The Daily Maul is looking for a few fully evolved psychological ninjas to join a Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force, a group that will be dedicated to convincing bloodlust-full members of the drooling class to take their own worthless lives.
Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and tireless animal-rights advocate who will chair the HSETF, promised that “getting the savages among us to turn their lead-filled phalluses on themselves will be as rewarding as it is relatively easy.”
Center for Fewer Humans research director Marcus Aurelius Armitage, who’ll advise HSETF members on matters of science, has advocated the complete and total eradication of those afflicted with savage cretinism. In an “extra scientific” study published in November 2013, Armitage wrote: “While not every human afflicted with cretinism is a hunter, we can say with near-absolute certainty that every hunter is afflicted with cretinism.”
Upon its publication, The Daily Maul reported that “Armitage’s study suggests that a hitherto unidentified form of cretinism — whose nonviolent symptoms include uncontrollable drooling, excessive mouth-breathing, and graceless knuckle-dragging — generates a demonic and insatiable bloodthirst in those afflicted.”
Armitage was quoted in The Daily Maul report as saying, “It’s really in everybody’s interests to wash our hands of the problem — to absolutely vanquish the drooling class.”
Another symptom of savage cretinism, Armitage said more recently, is a pronounced “victim complex.”
The establishment of the HSETF comes in response to news that the U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance has formed a “Hunter Advancement Task Force.”
According to a July 23 news release posted on the USSA’s website, “sportsmen, conservation organizations and outdoor personalities met at the U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance … headquarters yesterday to develop strategies to counter the recent increase in cyber-attacks on hunters.”
In a video produced by the USSA, that organization’s communications specialist — a barely intelligible hack named Kali Parmley — says, “With the growing world of social media at an all-time high, hunters have found themselves in the spotlight being labeled as animal serial killers, psychopaths, and a host of other false allegations from animal-rights activists from around the world who find it easy to attack hunters from behind their computer screens.”
The video also features an appearance by a repulsive lunatic named Jana Waller, who hosts a Sportsman Channel program called Skull Bound TV.
“To me,” Waller says, “the whole issue of harassment is so important because I’m afraid it’s going to deter people — women, kids — from standing tall and proud as hunters. And it’s so misdirected. It comes from such a point of people being uneducated about what hunting is all about. They think it’s all about killing, when, in my opinion, hunting is all about living.”
And Nick Pinizzotto, the USSA’s pitiful, shit-brained president and CEO, adds his voice to the video, saying, “We have to do a better job of framing who we are as a hunting community” and “we have to continue to portray ourselves as the logical people who want to manage wildlife through hunting.”
“The level of cognitive dissonance being put on display by Pinizzotto and his fellow barbarians is absolutely extraordinary,” Armitage said.
Gelstein was less diplomatic.
“The kind of demented narcissist who would actually say ‘hunting is all about living’ really needs to be convinced to shoot the monster she or he sees in the mirror,” Gelstein said, “because unfortunately, we’re living in a society that accepts and protects the kind of subhuman that believes she or he can legitimately deny being an ‘animal serial killer’ or a ‘psychopath.’”
Speaking on behalf of animal-rights activists everywhere, Gelstein said, “The reason we ‘find it easy to attack hunters from behind (our) computer screens’ is because we’re not violent people. We express ourselves in such a way that no one actually gets hurt. If these scum-sucking Neanderthals want to insist that they’re the victims — as pathetic a suggestion as that is – they ought to go ahead and be the goddamned victims.”
Hunters are so dim-witted, he said, that even an intermediate-level psychological ninja should be able to convince a hunter to put the victim in the mirror out of his or her misery.
“Every hunter simply needs to be convinced to put on his or her ridiculous orange and camouflage costume, look at the reflection in the mirror — or at the reflection in the moonshine bottle — see the victim he or she professes to be, and blow that poor victim’s underdeveloped brain all over the walls of his or her cave.”