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Rhode Island Senate Approves Animal-Advocate Bill

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Rhode Island Senate has approved legislation that would “help protect the interest of pets that become part of a court proceeding,” according to a press release issued by the Rhode Island General Assembly on May 9.

Rhode Island state Sen. John Tassoni Jr., the bill’s primary sponsor, was quoted in the press release as saying, “If the eventual welfare of a pet is being determined by a human being sitting on a court bench, those dogs or cats need a human to recommend how they should be treated. … Abuse or abandonment of animals is a horrible thing. … I would feel better knowing that a (Department of Environmental Management) veterinarian or a representative of the (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) is there (in) court, speaking for any pet that relies on humans for its well-being.”

Relevant text in the bill reads: “The director of the Department of Environmental Management may designate a department veterinarian or veterinarians to act as animal advocates. A general agent or special agent from the Rhode Island Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals may also act in that capacity. The animal advocate shall make recommendations to any court before which the custody or well-being of an animal is at issue.”

The bill, which was co-sponsored by Rhode Island state Sens. Erin Lynch, Rhoda Perry, and Michael Pinga, was approved by a 37-1 vote. Rhode Island state Sen. Nicholas Kettle — whose biography indicates that he’s a 21-year-old college student, was elected in 2010, and has worked at Cracker Barrel — voted against the legislation.

According to an Associated Press report in the Providence Journal, the bill “now moves to the (Rhode Island House of Representatives), which is already considering its own version of the bill.”

Would that I could feel totally assured that Rhode Island lawmakers will — if this legislation is enacted — make good on their legislative promise to “protect the interest of pets that become part of a court proceeding.”

In an e-mail to Dennis Tabella, co-founder and director of Defenders of Animals, and Lee Hall, vice president for legal affairs at Friends of Animals, I wrote, “While the bill seems like a positive piece of legislation, we all know that state agencies don’t always have animals’ best interests in mind, even when we expect them to. While the bill would provide more protection and advocacy than is currently offered in Rhode Island statutorily, I worry about its implementation — about who would be designated an animal’s advocate, etc.”

In his response, Tabella, whose organization, Defenders of Animals, is based in Providence, Rhode Island, wrote, “We think that the proposed legislation should have included other individuals.”

Tabella told me that “the (Rhode Island) state veterinarian has not always taken positions in the best interest of animals.” He also expressed concern about the character of the director of the Rhode Island SPCA. (He was more specific, but I’ll leave it at that, for now.) Tabella also told me that Defenders of Animals has in the past taken advantage of a state law pertaining to victims’ rights to speak on behalf of animals in court.

Per Rhode Island law, “the victim of the criminal offense shall be afforded the opportunity to address the court regarding the impact which the defendant’s criminal conduct has had upon the victim. … any person, association or other group of persons may file a community impact statement with the court prior to the imposition of sentence on a defendant.”

Responding to my e-mail on behalf of Friends of Animals, Hall wrote, “What stands out to me is the overly dramatic description of this proposal. This legislation has been glorified as a means to ‘give animals a voice before the courts.’ I’d like to see the proposal discussed in a sober manner. As we understand it, the law will ensure that a  person selected by the Department of Environmental Management will offer the court more information than a prosecutor normally would. Prosecutions for animal maltreatment without genuine investigations can devastate decent pet owners, so this second-opinion concept could be beneficial if the DEM veterinarian or representative of the Rhode Island SPCA acts and speaks with pure motivations. Thus, though the law could be helpful if it’s followed with integrity, let’s be clear: The state-designated person — not the animal — would be the one with the voice.”

Filed in Department of Applause, Law & Odor, Reasonable Requests | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Alleged Connecticut Dog Killer Deserves Death Penalty

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Even though Connecticut lawmakers recently repealed the death penalty, they might want to make an exception for Alex Wullaert, who, according to a WTNH report, “is accused of strangling his dog, Desmond.”

“In court documents,” the WTNH report indicates, “Wullaert admitted to strangling the dog, dumping him in a lake, and then returning to put flowers on the water as a sort of apology for what he did.”

Wullaert faces a felony charge under Connecticut statute 53-247(b), which states that “any person who maliciously and intentionally maims, mutilates, tortures, wounds or kills an animal shall be fined not more than five thousand dollars or imprisoned not more than five years or both.”

Outside the courthouse in New Haven yesterday, Connecticut resident Carol Richart told WTNH’s Erin Cox that it’s time to “put a scare (into) in these people, as a deterrent … let them know that … we’re not going to stand … for it any longer.”

It is my opinion that Mr. Wullaert, who is scheduled to appear in court again on June 5, should indeed be made an example of.

Upon signing legislation that abolished the state’s use of the death penalty going forward, Connecticut Gov. Dannel Malloy issued a press release in which he said, “The 11 men currently on death row in Connecticut are far more likely to die of old age than they are to be put to death.”

I’d like to see Gov. Malloy grant clemency to those 11 inmates and appease lawmakers who opposed the state’s death-penalty repeal by feeding Mr. Wullaert to a pack of hungry dogs in a public execution at the Yale Bowl. A portion of the proceeds from ticket sales could go to animal-rescue organizations, and the balance could be used to help alleviate the state’s budget crisis.

Hell, I’d buy a ticket right now.

Filed in Animal Assassinations, Reasonable Requests, The Scum Among Us, Wishful Thinking | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (4)

Proposed Senate Bill Would Kill Canada Geese

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It should come as no surprise that the alarmists among us would rather eradicate part of a population than coexist with it. As my good friend Steve would point out, “Hitler tried that.”

I’m referring, of course, to legislation introduced by Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) that would “provide to the Administrator of the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service of the Department of Agriculture expedited authority to remove geese that threaten aircraft.”

A press release issued by her office in April quoted Sen. Gillibrand as saying, “We cannot afford to sit back and wait for a catastrophe to occur before cutting through bureaucratic red tape between federal agencies … We cannot and should not wait another day to act while public safety is at risk.”

Gillibrand’s proposed legislation would order the extermination of Canada geese “on a determination by the Federal Aviation Administration that the population of Canada geese residing on land under the jurisdiction of the National Park Service that is located within (five) miles of any commercial airport poses a risk to flight safety.”

Gillibrand’s bill also calls on the powers that be at John F. Kennedy International Airport to “issue a record of decision for the document entitled ‘Supplement to the Environmental Impact Statement Bird Hazard Reduction Program: John F. Kennedy International Airport’” and to “commence consultation with the Secretary of the Interior to complete the collection and removal of Canada geese from the applicable National Park Service land.”

Gillibrand is, of course, overreacting to reports that in less than one week’s time, two commercial airliners were forced to make emergency landings after colliding with Canada geese.

As described by CBS News’ Scott Pelley in the video provided above, “A JetBlue flight took off from Westchester County, New York, bound for West Palm Beach, Florida, when it collided with at least two Canada geese” and “a flock of birds damaged the engine of a Los Angeles-bound Delta flight after takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport.”

In the CBS News video provided above — and as featured on the Friends of Animals website — Pelley reports that “over the past two decades, bird strikes have increased from nearly 1,800 a year to more than 9,600,” and he asks Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger (who famously and safely landed a commercial airliner in the Hudson River after the plane collided with Canada geese), “Why (has) the number of bird strikes increased so dramatically?”

“The bird populations have increased and we’re flying more flights now than we ever have before,” Sullenberger says.

“What can airports do about this?” Pelley asks.

“Effective land-use planning around local airports is the best (way) to prevent birds from roosting near the airport,” Sullenberger says. “It’s important that we not build anywhere near an airport anything likely to attract birds, especially trash facilities.”

Pelley points out, “You don’t want to build a garbage dump next to an airport, for example.”

“Exactly,” Sullenberger says. “In fact in New York City right now there are plans to do just that, and it’s a terrible idea to build something there that’s likely to attract birds.”

Still, there are those who expect wildlife to get the hell out of mankind’s way or be forcibly removed.

Aviation consultant Michael Boyd, the president of Boyd Group International, contributed an opinion piece to Fox News in which he insisted that “any factor that threatens the safety of air travel must be (addressed) to the fullest extent reasonably possible. So if there is a bird sanctuary or avian nesting area that generates or attracts flying creatures which may even distantly represent a threat to air safety, there is only one option: remove it. Birds can go live and play and make little birds someplace else. … Birds can live somewhere other than near major airports.”

If Sen. Gillibrand and Mr. Boyd get their way, Canada geese will even be forcibly removed from areas designated for the birds’ protection.

The good folks at Friends of Animals point out on the organization’s website that Gillibrand’s legislation “would change current law and open up the federally protected Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge to the USDA’s Wildlife Service agents and allow them to capture and kill the Canada geese in the New York City refuge. We cannot allow this destructive bill to pass and set a dangerous precedent that would declare open season on wildlife in refuges that exist to protect them. Air safety will be only improved by focusing on deterring geese and other birds from airports through habitat modification, effective land-use planning and radar detection, not by killing birds.”

In his opinion piece, Mr. Boyd admits that “on a probability scale, the odds of an airliner accident being caused by running into birds are right up there with winning the lottery.”

The Federal Aviation Administration website tells us that “since 1990, there have been a total of 23 fatalities attributed to wildlife strikes with U.S. civil aircraft.”

If we’re going to kill off each and every species that presents a potential threat to human safety, we might as well start with the biggest threat of all: Homo sapiens.

Filed in Hyperbolic Humans, Law & Odor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (2)

Monday Maul: Animal Cruelty and Abuse on a Wyoming Pig Farm

Monday, May 14, 2012

Vin Paneccasio

Video footage from the Humane Society of the United States’ recent undercover investigation of animal abuse, cruelty, and torture at a Wyoming Premium Farms facility in Wheatland, Wyoming, has me mining the depths of depression and restraining impulses fueled by unabated rage. The following is an open letter to Doug DeRouchey, general manager, Wyoming Premium Farms; Mamoru Horio, president, Itoham Foods; Jack Mori, board chairman, Itoham America; Donnie Smith, president and chief executive officer, Tyson Foods; James Lochner, chief operating officer, Tyson Foods; and John Tyson, board chairman, Tyson Foods.

Messrs. DeRouchey, Horio, Mori, Smith, Lochner, and Tyson:

I can’t get the sound of a screaming sow out of my head, and frankly, it’s driving me to madness. Part of me, though, doesn’t want the screaming to stop. Like a concentration camp or plantation soundtrack, it’s something those among us with a conscience need to hear to understand that factory farming perpetuates the darkest evils of the Holocaust and the slave trade.

The images captured by the Humane Society during its undercover investigation at Wyoming Premium Farms is all the evidence many of us need — as if we needed more — that our so-called “developed” nations are populated by two subspecies of Homo sapiens: those who seek financial or spiritual reward through the brutal exploitation, torture, and murder of other species, and those who rail against the same.

The Humane Society’s report, Undercover at a Tyson Supplier: A Humane Society of the United States Investigation, describes horrors that many don’t think (“don’t think” being the operative words) are perpetrated beyond the faraway genocides they hear about in passing. The Humane Society’s findings, though, don’t surprise you, do they? How could they? You are, after all, in the killing business.

I’ll bet you watched the video footage from the Humane Society’s investigation while snacking on fresh bacon. And I think it’s safe to say that the only thing that bothers you about the video footage is that it was made public. A “public-relations disaster” is what greed-heads like you call this sort of thing, isn’t it?

Mr. DeRouchey was quoted in a KUSA report as saying, “We will not tolerate abuse. It’s just, not tolerable. And we’ve had isolated incidents in the past — and we’ve terminated the people.”

The Humane Society’s video footage documents nothing less than a culture of abuse, which Mr. DeRouchey prefers to describe as “isolated incidents,” involving several employees during the month of April 2012.

“There’s probably possible major abuse, and that’s a termination,” DeRouchey told KUSA, which reported that DeRouchey “says he can’t guarantee everybody in the video will be fired. He says an investigation is underway to figure out what exactly happened.”

“I just can’t jump on what I’ve seen on 4 minutes on a video. I wasn’t there,” DeRouchey explained to KUSA reporters.

Well, Mr. DeRouchey, I can “jump on what I’ve seen on four minutes on a video,” and “I wasn’t there” either.

Tyson Foods’ “response” to the Humane Society’s investigation matter-of-factly indicates that “contrary to the impression left by HSUS, there is no connection between this Wyoming farm and the pork that we process. Tyson Foods does not buy any of the hogs raised on this farm for our pork processing plants. We do have a small, but separate hog buying business that has previously purchased aged sows from this farm; however, these animals are subsequently sold to other companies and are not used in Tyson’s pork processing business. The subsidiary has discontinued buying sows from the farm shown in the video.”

So much for “no connection,” eh? Tyson Foods’ “response” is, in fact, very much a confirmation of the company’s “connection” to Wyoming Premium Farms.

Messrs. Smith, Lochner, and Tyson would like us to appreciate their company’s “position point” on “animal well-being,” which is that “Tyson Foods has long been committed to animal well-being and has had formal programs in place for some time. We believe proper animal handling is an important moral and ethical obligation we owe to our suppliers, customers, ourselves and, most of all, to the animals we depend on for our products and our livelihood. … Animal well-being is part of Tyson’s Core Values, which call on the company’s Team Members to ‘serve as stewards of the animals, land and environment entrusted to us.’”

The problem with this “position,” Messrs. Smith, Lochner, and Tyson, is that one cannot be in the business of slaughtering animals while claiming to be “committed” to their “well-being.”

But this is not news to you, is it? Nor is it news to Mr. DeRouchey or his superiors at Itoham Foods, whose U.S. subsidiary, Itoham America, conveniently “filed an article of dissolution with the Colorado Secretary of State’s office” on April 6, according to the KUSA report — and whose 2010 annual report boasted the insulting headline Full of Smiles.

Well, gentlemen, the pigs in the Humane Society’s video are not smiling. They’re screaming in pain.

And I’m not smiling either, nor are many others who feel empathy for the animals for whom you feel nothing.

An msnbc.com report indicates that “Steve Keigley, sheriff for Platte County, where the farm is located, told msnbc.com that an investigation is under way and being led by the livestock board. The Humane Society provided ‘quite a bit of documentation,’ he said, adding that any charges would probably amount to a ‘high misdemeanor’ with a maximum of several months in county jail and a fine.”

I think that you, Messrs. DeRouchey, Horio, Mori, Smith, Lochner, and Tyson, should each be sentenced to “several months” in a gestation crate. And I think the subhumans at Wyoming Premium Farms whom the Humane Society filmed brutalizing terrified and long-suffering sows and piglets should be treated the very same way and fed, upon their deaths, to pigs liberated from your factory farms.

The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

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Coyote Attacks Turkey Hunter in Maine

Friday, May 11, 2012

Photo by Rebecca Richardson

The good news is that a coyote attacked a turkey hunter in Maine and got away with it. The bad news is that the hunter survived.

“The wild canine sprang while the Maine Guide was hunkered down in the brush, using a mouth-call to lure a turkey into the open while hunting on private property near the Washington County community of Cooper,” the Bangor Daily News reported on May 1.

“I’ll never forget looking up and seeing a jaw full of teeth coming at me. … He was determined to have turkey for breakfast and was also determined that the sound he heard was a hen turkey,” the hunter, Bill Robinson, told the Bangor Daily News, which reported that “once the coyote realized it had jumped a human, not a hen, it sprinted away.”

Mr. Robinson told the Bangor Daily News that the coyote “ran 100 miles an hour across that field” and that the animal “was as shocked and surprised to see me, as I was to see it. I took a shot at it, but it was too far off by then. I turned it around for a second when I hit him in the haunch with a few pellets from my turkey load, just to say goodbye. … But I don’t blame the coyote. It was doing what coyotes do, hunting. My guess is that coyote was perfectly healthy and was not rabid. He was big, probably 50 pounds. I’m just glad it didn’t grab my neck.”

I, on the other hand, am disappointed that the coyote didn’t manage to sink his teeth into Mr. Robinson’s throat.

Telling us, by way of the Bangor Daily News, that he doesn’t “blame the coyote,” that the animal “was doing what coyotes do, hunting,” is a lame attempt by Mr. Robinson to call things relatively even — that because both he and the coyote were turkey hunting, and no serious harm was done, no foul needs to be assessed.

Sure, doctors put Mr. Robinson on “a two-week regimen of precautionary rabies vaccine injections,” as the Bangor Daily News reported, but that treatment was administered just to be on the safe side.

Mr. Robinson wants us to know that he harbors no ill will toward the coyote — just as he harbored no ill will toward the turkey whose head he’d hoped to blow off. It’s not personal, in other words. Mr. Robinson was doing what hunters do — seeking spiritual reward through the killing of wildlife.

In a discussion forum on Paco Kelly’s Leverguns.com, an individual posting under the screen name “TedH” wrote (poorly): “I bet Bill will be doing some some coyote hunting in the future?”

“Marlin32″ wrote (also poorly): “Coyotes … have cost me a few toms, and some of them paid for it with their lives. A 2 1/2oz dose of #5 lead at under 20 feet will sure do a coyote in. Almost turned him inside out.”

And “MrMurphy” wrote: “And people wonder why we hunt coyotes around here.”

The Bangor Daily News reported that Mr. Robinson “lives in Edmunds Township” and has been “a Maine Guide for eight years.” The Maine Professional Guides Association website lists a Bill R. Robinson of Edmunds Township as being affiliated with Dennys River Guide Service, which helps hunters kill a variety of wildlife.

Want to kill a black bear? According to its website, which identifies Bill Robinson as its owner, “Guided Bear hunts with the Dennys River Guide Service are all done over bait from tree stands. Washington County is known for its high concentration of black bear and the success rate is high over bait. All bait sites are maintained daily by Bill, with each site chosen carefully in regard to wind and location. Clients are only put in tree stands at bear baits that are being hit on a frequent basis. Transportation and tree stands provided.”

Murder-scene photos on the Dennys River Guide Service website show bloodthirsty sadists posing pridefully with their lifeless victims.

Describing his recent coyote encounter, Mr. Robinson told the Bangor Daily News, “I’ll never forget looking up and seeing a jaw full of teeth coming at me.”

I’m pretty sure that at least one of Mr. Robinson’s would-be murder victims — a bear, deer, moose, or other species — has thought, “I’ll never forget looking up and seeing a lead-filled phallus pointed at me.”

But I’m equally certain that the creatures whom Mr. Robinson and his savage friends and clients have hunted would not have absolved their killers by saying, “They were doing what hunters do” — rather, they would have lamented that unfortunate reality.

Filed in Animal Assassinations, Coyote Studly, The Scum Among Us | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (1)

Monday Maul: Cat Killer Timothy Kooyman Executed “Dexter” Style

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Vin Paneccasio

SOMEWHERE IN CORONA, CALIFORNIA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — In January 2011, convicted cat killer Timothy Kooyman was contacted by The Devil, who told Kooyman, “I’ll be in charge of your future from now on — for eternity, actually,” after a “laughable 32 months … (was) added to the paltry five-year prison sentence you’re already serving for torturing and murdering cats.”

If the discovery this morning of a gruesome murder scene in a Corona, California, hotel room is any indication, Kooyman has arrived in hell.

“It’s like something right out of an episode of Dexter,” a Corona Police Department spokesman told The Daily Maul.

“The evidence suggests that Mr. Kooyman was the victim of a brutally torturous vivisection,” a state medical examiner said.

A recent City News Service report indicated that “Timothy Arie Kooyman will be paroled next month from Avenal State Prison … In January 2011, Kooyman was sentenced to two years, eight months behind bars for torturing and killing three cats in a Corona motel room. After serving just more than half of his sentence, the 28-year-old convicted felon is being released based on good time and other credits.”

The City News Service report explained that “Kooyman was serving the last few months of a five-year prison term in 2010 for animal cruelty and arson in Rancho Cucamonga when Riverside County prosecutors … filed charges against him in connection with the Corona case.”

State and federal law-enforcement officials have launched a nationwide manhunt for a man they believe lured Kooyman to his execution.

“We believe that an unbalanced vigilante named Monty Gelstein lured Mr. Kooyman to the hotel, probably with the promise of would-be feline victims,” the Corona Police Department spokesman said. “Mr. Gelstein reserved Room 666 the same day the City News Service reported that Mr. Kooyman was being paroled.”

Police have made public a Polaroid snapshot they found amid Kooyman’s remains that shows the deceased being ripped to bloody shreds by three cats, one of whom is holding Kooyman’s heart in his paw and showing it to the expiring psychopath.

“Someone besides the cats obviously took the photograph,” the police spokesman said. “And we think that someone is Mr. Gelstein.”

Kooyman’s remains were discovered by a hotel chambermaid who spoke to The Daily Maul after providing a statement to police.

“That Polaroid might as well be a freaking Rembrandt, as far as I’m concerned,” the chambermaid told The Daily Maul on the condition that her comments “remain off the record until I’ve left the scene.”

“Those dim-witted cowboys didn’t even bother to ask if the cats were still here when I opened the door to Room 666,” the chambermaid said, laughing hysterically as she changed out of her work clothes and into a pair of jeans and a tight-fitting tank top that failed to cover a tattoo on the small of her back that read: “Monty Was Here.”

The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

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Exotic Animals Returned to Ohio Concentration Camp

Friday, May 4, 2012

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Marian Thompson, whose late husband, Terry Thompson, all-but ensured the brutal deaths of 49 so-called “exotic” animals in Ohio last year, is expected to welcome home the creatures who survived the October 18, 2011, Zanesville Massacre.

The Columbus Dispatch has reported that “Terry Thompson’s farm near Zanesville could have its animals back today. His widow is expected to bring them home from the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium.”

Another way that lede could have been written is: “The late Terry Thompson’s state-sanctioned wildlife concentration camp could have its prisoners back today.”

The Columbus Dispatch report explains that “(Terry) Thompson didn’t release six animals” on the night of October 18, 2011, and that five of those creatures “have been at the Columbus Zoo under quarantine. The sixth animal, a spotted leopard, was euthanized after being crushed by a closing gate at the zoo.”

As I wrote in February, “Six animals survived Thompson’s state-sanctioned concentration camp only to be imprisoned anew at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium. One of those creatures, a long-suffering leopard, was euthanized on Sunday after being ‘crushed by a gate’ at that facility, according to a report in The Columbus Dispatch.”

In that same commentary, I cited a “Statement from the Ohio Department of Agriculture and the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium,” which read, in part: “A Columbus Zoo keeper was moving the leopard between enclosures to conduct routine feeding and cleaning procedures. The leopard moved through the opening but then unexpectedly darted back as the door was being lowered, striking it on the neck. … Upon examination it was determined that the animal had suffered an irreversible spinal cord injury, was unable to breathe on its own, and State Veterinarian Dr. Tony Forshey, who had responded and was on-site to observe the animal, made the decision to euthanize the leopard.”

Reporting on that incident, The Columbus Dispatch quoted Dr. Forshey as saying, “Because this animal had a history of being improperly fed, its bones were left in a permanently weakened state. … In addition, it had a previously undetected genetic malformation to its cervical vertebrae (that was only detected after the incident by X-ray), which also left its spine extremely weak. Unfortunately, the combination of these factors meant that the leopard wasn’t able to survive an injury that would have had little effect on a normal, healthy animal.”

The five tortured animals who are expected to be transferred back to Marian Thompson’s state-sanctioned wildlife concentration camp aren’t exactly leaving a Club Med. The United States Department of Agriculture’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service issued the following findings after investigating the above-mentioned long-suffering leopard’s violent death: “The handling of this animal was not conducted in a manner to prevent trauma to the animal. … Closing the shift door at the wrong time and not having enough people present to shift the cat safely directly resulted in the cat’s death. In addition, the employee was not adequately briefed and re-trained on the shift door procedures following her return to work after being gone for an extended amount of time. The zoo failed to provide a sufficient number of employees to maintain a professionally acceptable level of husbandry.”

Today’s report in The Columbus Dispatch mentions that “legislation is pending in the Ohio Senate that would restrict and regulate exotic-animal ownership.”

In fact, on April 25 — six months after 49 animals were gunned down in the Zanesville Massacre — the “Ohio Senate voted 30-1 to approve legislation restricting ownership of exotic wild animals,” The Columbus Dispatch reported. 

The bill, SB 310, is a woefully inadequate effort by Ohio’s lawmakers to correct the state’s unconscionable permissiveness as it relates to exotic-animal “ownership.”

The legislation, as described in the Ohio Legislative Service Commission’s analysis, “prohibits a person from possessing a dangerous wild animal on or after January 1, 2014, but states that the prohibition does not apply to a person whose possession of a dangerous wild animal is authorized by an unexpired wildlife shelter permit or a wildlife propagation permit issued under the bill or to certain other persons.”

According to the Ohio Legislative Service Commission’s analysis, SB 310 “requires the (Ohio Agriculture) Director to adopt rules establishing standards of care for … dangerous wild animals.”

Let’s hope the state’s agriculture director doesn’t adopt the “standards of care” practiced by the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium.

The Ohio Legislative Service Commission’s analysis also indicates that SB 310 “requires a person that possesses a dangerous wild animal or restricted snake that escapes to notify immediately applicable local law enforcement officers and the Division of Animal Health in the Department of Agriculture” and “authorizes a law enforcement officer or a natural resources law enforcement officer to destroy a dangerous wild animal or restricted snake that has escaped and poses a threat to public safety.”

The authorization to “destroy a dangerous wild animal … that has escaped and poses a threat to public safety” seems rather unnecessary given that Muskingum County, Ohio, Sheriff Matthew Lutz’s decision on October 18, 2011, to order his trigger-happy henchmen to massacre the animals Terry Thompson released from his state-sanctioned wildlife concentration camp was supported by TV personality and Columbus Zoo and Aquarium Director Emeritus Jack Hanna.

As I’ve pointed out in previous commentaries, Hanna told ABC News’ Diane Sawyer, “I’m sorry to say that what the sheriff did had to be done or else we would have had carnage out here this morning in Zanesville, Ohio.”

(Mr. Hanna should have specified that “we would have had human carnage out here this morning.”)

Sheriff Lutz was even lionized (pun sarcastically intended) by the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund for directing the Zanesville Massacre, as I reported in January.

Just as the debate over Ohio lawmakers’ narrow-minded attempts to correct the state’s callous permissiveness with regard to exotic-animal “ownership” will undoubtedly continue, so, too, will the suffering of creatures whom the less-evolved among us consider property. It is abundantly clear that non-domesticated animals in Ohio will not be rescued from their torturous captivity by the state’s currently serving lawmakers.

And so, while much of America considers Ohio a battleground on which partisan greed-heads fight for control over our lives, some of us believe it’s time to empower those who are willing to fight for those in captivity and in memory of those whose blood forever stained the streets of Zanesville.

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Monday Maul: Elephants Kill King Juan Carlos of Spain

Monday, April 30, 2012

Vin Paneccasio

SOMEWHERE IN BOTSWANA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — King Juan Carlos of Spain, who was stomped to death by vengeful elephants in Botswana today, should have realized that the bogus and insulting apology he offered after his previous elephant-hunting trip fell on rather large, deaf and angry ears.

“I’m very sorry, I made a mistake. It won’t happen again,” the bloodthirsty king had been quoted by the BBC News as saying.

Little did he know that a couple of very pissed-off elephants were waiting for their chance to guarantee as much.

“When I heard that the bastard was coming back to Botswana, I jumped at the chance to add his geriatric carcass to the karmic balance,” an elated elephant told The Daily Maul.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a spokesman from the World Wildlife Fund told The Daily Maul, “For us, the king’s brutal death simply means that we won’t have to convince him to step down as the honorary president of WWF-Spain.”

Following King Juan Carlos’ last elephant-hunting trip, WWF-Spain’s secretary general sent a letter to the Royal Palace “(requesting) a meeting with the royal authorities to share widespread public concerns and public calls for His Majesty to step down as Honorary President of WWF-Spain.”

Another elephant who participated in the king’s execution told The Daily Maul, “That bastard’s septuagenarian skeleton has long been destined for the karmic balance. Have you seen the sickening photographs the Daily Mail published of that royal savage posing with his murder victims during previous African killing sprees?”

Adding delicious insult to fatal injury, the elephants who stomped King Juan Carlos to death had their prideful photographs taken with the lifeless king, who looked more like an unsightly throw rug than a deceased monarch.

The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

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Scathing “Romney Rides on the Roof” T-Shirt Design Unveiled

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Vin Paneccasio

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
New London County, CT — April 24, 2012

Contact: Monty Gelstein
(860) 823-7410
monty.gelstein@gmail.com

Scathing “Romney Rides on the Roof” T-Shirt Design Unveiled

Mitt Romney’s so-called “dog problem” has just gotten a whole lot worse. David Brensilver, the author of the animal-rights blog The Daily Maul (which can fairly be described as a celebration of successful animal-on-human attacks), has partnered with Dogs Against Romney founder Scott Crider to offer those who agree with Mr. Brensilver’s suggestion that Mitt Romney “should be strapped to the roof of his campaign bus and hosed down every time he soils his silk pants” a limited-edition T-shirt featuring a scathing editorial cartoon by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

The cartoon depicts Mitt Romney strapped to the roof of his campaign bus, which is being driven by a dog who looks strikingly similar to Seamus – the family pet Romney so infamously abused in 1983.

In a recent commentary published at The Daily Maul, Mr. Brensilver wrote: “I’ve often wondered why the likely Republican presidential nominee hasn’t volunteered for such treatment given that he’s been perfectly willing to embarrass himself in countless other ways in hopes of securing the votes of gullible primary voters. Hell, I’ve thought, he might even enjoy it, just as he’s enjoyed cheesy grits and having the ability to fire people. After all, Seamus couldn’t have known how much he’d enjoy being transported on the roof of Romney’s car until he gave it a try.”

“Given that Mr. Romney won’t humor me,” Mr. Brensilver said, “I decided to humor myself – and all those who agree that Mr. Romney is a callously inhumane narcissist who’s about as qualified for the presidency as a canister of Aqua Net – by asking Mr. Paneccasio to create an editorial cartoon that at very least offers us a measure of schadenfreude-fantasy.”

“If dogs could vote,” Mr. Crider was quoted as saying in a recent interview with The Daily Maul, “they wouldn’t … think this was very funny at all. … What if it was 30 years ago that (Romney) abused his wife or his kids in some horrible way?”

“We wanted to give like-minded folks a piece of protest-wear – a wearable anti-Romney sign – that reflects how so many of us feel about Romney’s sadistic treatment of Seamus,” Mr. Brensilver said. “We also wanted to share Mr. Paneccasio’s brilliant editorial cartoon, which is like a heavy dose of schadenfreude-fantasy.”

Vin Paneccasio’s original cartoon Romney Rides on the Roof can be viewed at The Daily Maul. Limited-edition Romney Rides on the Roof T-shirts are available for purchase at the Dogs Against Romney website. A portion of proceeds from sales of Romney Rides on the Roof T-shirts will be donated by Dogs Against Romney to an animal-rescue organization.

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Monday Maul: Animal-Rights Activist Suspected in Cockfight Massacre

Monday, April 23, 2012

Vin Paneccasio

SOMEWHERE IN HIDALGO, COUNTY, TEXAS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State and federal law-enforcement officers have launched a nationwide manhunt for an animal-rights activist they suspect helped organize a Hidalgo, County, Texas, cockfight that ended in the brutal slaughter of more than 200 spectators.

Police dispatchers late last night received numerous telephone calls from cockfight-goers begging to be saved from the wrath of vengeful roosters hell-bent on tearing to pieces every man, woman, and child in attendance. By the time police arrived on the scene, it was too late. There were no human survivors.

“It was like Lizzy Borden meets Jonestown,” one tearful police officer said, turning away from The Daily Maul’s reporter to vomit.

“We have reason to believe that a gentleman named Monty Gelstein is somehow involved in this unthinkable tragedy,” Sgt. Michael Guschtrecht, a spokesman from the Hidalgo County Sheriff’s Office, said. “Officers found the initials M.G. carved into body parts.”

Local, state, and federal officials believe last night’s massacre was perpetrated in response to an incident last week here in Hidalgo County in which “masked gunmen ambushed a cockfight near La Blanca early Thursday morning,” as The Monitor (McAllen, Texas) reported. According to the Associated Press, the shooting resulted in “about 20 dead roosters.” (Three humans were also killed, and eight were injured, for those keeping score.)

“From what I’ve been told, it would be just like this Gelstein fellow to launch a retaliatory — and at the same time preemptive — war against those who force animals to fight to their deaths,” Sgt. Guschtrecht said.

A state medical examiner told The Daily Maul that “the dead and dismembered spectators stood no chance” against birds he said “might as well have been psychopathic, steroid-using pterosaurs with switchblades.”

Law-enforcement officials on the scene collected several smartphones and handheld video cameras hoping to find clues to how and why the massacre was organized.

An FBI agent who spoke to The Daily Maul on condition of anonymity said he’s been after Monty Gelstein for months.

“His fingerprints are all over this bloodbath,” the agent said. “Anyone in Hidalgo County with ties to organized cockfighting is in serious and imminent danger right now. Unless, of course, you’re a rooster.”

The agent urged anyone with information about Gelstein’s possible whereabouts to call the nearest FBI office.

The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

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