Yesterday, I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. It came up in conversation that her 4-year-old son is a budding connoisseur of successful animal-on-human attacks. Naturally, I proposed that my friend, whom we’ll call “Lady Gogo,” read my latest blog post to her son and record his reaction.
My most recently published commentary is about a dunce in Orange, Texas, who scoffed at warnings that an alligator had been seen in the area, defiantly said, “Fuck that alligator,” and jumped into a bayou, never to been seen alive again.
I later read that the alligator who killed the dunce was mercilessly executed by a vengeful asshole who believes animals should live by our rules. That subhuman thug, not surprisingly, was essentially given a pat on the back by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department.
What follows is a transcript of the conversation Lady Gogo had with her son, whom we’ll call “Kid Schadenfreude.”
Lady Gogo: So what happened was, the guy said, “I don’t care … I don’t like alligators,” and he jumped into the water, and then almost immediately he yelled for help. But then he was never seen again. What do you think of that?
Kid Schadenfreude: Hmm. I like it. Is there another story that he had?
Lady Gogo: That’s it. What do you think about that?
Kid Schadenfreude: I like it.
Lady Gogo: What do you like about it?
Kid Schadenfreude: I just do. Mama, why is there always blood in the water?
Lady Gogo: Because some people are always killing animals’ environments. What do you think about that?
Kid Schadenfreude: Hmm. Sad. But [animals] killing people is happy! … Mama I would like a story about a person getting squeezed by an anaconda. I’m really interested in snakes … And a black mamba. A black mamba please. Mama? Mama I would like to meet that man …
Lady Gogo later told her son that the alligator in Texas had been killed, despite having been “an animal in its natural habitat, doing its natural thing.”
Kid Schadenfreude described the alligator’s senseless death as “sad.”