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A Serpent and a Septuagenarian

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

If you listen carefully, you just might be able to hear the sound of a Florida cottonmouth laughing. And I’m laughing right along with him, relieved that he escaped execution at the hands of a Volusia County man, who — fortunately — shot himself in an attempt to murder the snake.

The snake hadn’t done a goddamned thing when 75-year-old Garrett Bauernschmidt decided to play cowboy, according to a report in The Daytona Beach News-Journal, which tells us: “No one else was injured, authorities said. The snake got away.”

I’m thrilled that the report’s author, staff writer Chris Graham, pointed out that “the snake got away.” I hope Mr. Graham is laughing, too.

The fact that “no one else was injured” should have Florida lawmakers breathing a sigh of relief. If this incident isn’t enough to convince state legislators to take guns out of the hands of sight-challenged seniors like Mr. Bauernschmidt, I don’t know what will be.

I realize that enacting such legislation in Florida would be about as easy as convincing the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to mandate that pharmaceutical companies conduct product tests on inmates and the infirm, instead of on non-human animals.

I’m certain that someone in Florida would have held a press conference by now had Mr. Bauernschmidt’s self-inflicted wound proven fatal, or had his gunplay caused the death of a neighbor or passerby.

You can be sure that we’d be hearing the word “tragedy” tossed around a lot had Mr. Bauernschmidt accidentally killed himself or someone else. And we’d be seeing all sorts of knee-jerk histrionics from talking-head types.

You can also be sure that this story would not even have been reported had Mr. Bauernschmidt been successful in his unconscionable assassination attempt without suffering any injury himself.

Rest assured, though, that I’d have heard about the incident from one of my trusted sources. And I’d have had some scathing words for Mr. Bauernschmidt for murdering a snake who hadn’t done a goddamned thing to him.


  1. scott babcock wrote:

    Hey Dave.
    Such an idiot you are. Or should I say your an idiot?
    You should know better because your such a smart guy and as you said before so much smarter than me. Murder is not quite an accurate description of what took place in Florida right?
    In order for a murder to have taken place a Human Being would have to have been the victim not a snake.
    I know that fucks with your mindset and causes you much agony but in the United State’s of America murder is defined as one human being killing another human being.
    Not a man killing a snake. Only a fucking nut job like you would call that murder.
    By the way, have a smoke asshole. It’d probably do you good.

    Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 12:22 am | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:


    Writing is clearly not your strong suit. Don’t further embarrass yourself.


    Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm | Permalink
  3. Scott Babcock wrote:

    Hey Dave
    Writing isn’t the way I make a living asshole and I could care less if you like my style or not. Im in no way embarrassed by what I write or the way it’s come across. You are a dick and need to be reminded as often as possible of that fact.
    So what about it pal? Murder? Really? It’s a fucking snake. Much the same as you are. How in the world can you confuse killing a snake with murder?
    Making up your own rules again Dave?
    By the way how is the gay lifestyle treating you? You the top or bottom? Have a smoke Dave. It’ll relax you I’m sure as you sit and wring your clammy hands fretting about the death of the next victim.

    Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 3:16 pm | Permalink
  4. David Brensilver wrote:


    As I’ve explained before, I do not place a higher value on human lives than I do on the lives of other species. If my use of a particular word has you this worked up, you might consider talking to a therapist.


    Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 5:11 pm | Permalink
  5. Scott Babcock wrote:

    Hey Dave
    What has me worked up is the fact you are such an arrogant prick. You continue to mock and ridicule people who come into contact with an animal and end up with some kind of injury that you find humorous.
    You just stated you don’t put any higher value on a human life compared to another specie.
    Ok. Answer me this. If your gay lover was being stung to death by a swarm of bees or maybe he was bitten by a snake that in turn was about to bite you, would you kill a bee? any bees? maybe kill the snake?
    I suspect I know the answer already. You fall into the same category so many other animal rights activists do that your answer is very predictable.
    You are blind to reality pal and this little blog you have going here is your fantasy that you actually make a difference.
    Gee. Seems like you are searching for an audience. You’ve extended the deadline for that little logo contest and I suspect you don’t have many takers.
    You are in the minority Dave. People don’t want to hear your stupidity coming from your mouth.
    I enjoy reminding you what a dickhead you are so I keep coming back.
    Therapy? This is my therapy asshole.

    Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm | Permalink
  6. Abby wrote:

    I read this blog and agree with everything in it.
    Go away.


    Sunday, September 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm | Permalink
  7. David Brensilver wrote:


    Evolved minds think alike, eh?


    Monday, September 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm | Permalink

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