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Backlash to Bindi Irwin Partnering with SeaWorld Turns Violent

Photo by Monty Gelstein

Photo by Monty Gelstein

I was in line at the bank, minding my own business, when the guy behind me started poking me in the back and asking, “You think this is acceptable?”

Apparently, my BindiDeathWatch.com T-shirt had offended the guy, who, ironically, was wearing a SeaWorld baseball cap.

“That ‘Crocodile Hunter’ was good people,” the dim-witted goon insisted. “How dare you wish harm to befall his precious daughter.”

At that point, I ran out of patience and dropped the bastard with a mean, karate-style kick to the groin. I ripped the hat from his head as he writhed on the bank floor.

“SeaWorld is a goddamned prison system,” I shouted in his sweaty, red face. “And now the wardens and their propaganda ministers have innocent little Bindi in their pockets.”

Yeah!” snapped an elderly woman, who spat on the temporarily crippled non-thinker and used her cane to deliver a merciless blow to the dude’s throat. “I saw that little jerk and her family on Good Morning America, trying to convince the rabble that a partnership with SeaWorld could help make the world a better place for all species.”

“What a freaking crock!” a security guard chimed in, spraying about half a can of mace into the SeaWorld fan’s eyes.

“If you watched the March 6 edition of Good Morning America,” the SeaWorld fan cried, “then you heard Bindi say she’s ‘thrilled to finally be joining SeaWorld on a brand new initiative called Generation Nature, which is all about encouraging kids to get involved and be game-changers for wildlife and wild places.'”

“She can start by working to close wildlife prisons like those that SeaWorld operates,” I said. “Instead, she’s become an apologist for the wildlife-slave industry. Apparently, she didn’t hear herself say ‘wildlife and wild places.'”

“I saw that episode of Good Morning America,” the security guard said. “I almost threw up on myself when Bindi sat there with a penguin on her lap and explained to Robin Roberts that “as kids … we’re the next voters, we’re the next decision-makers and the next generation to really be changing the world.”

“And Roberts played right into the Irwin family’s hands,” the elderly woman pointed out, “by rhetorically asking Terri Irwin, ‘The message is about these beautiful animals and making sure that they have what they need and that we have a better understanding of them?'”

By then, the cops had arrived, and one of them, while slapping a pair of handcuffs on the SeaWorld fan, said to the deservedly wounded drooling-class dolt, “You need to learn to be a little skeptical, my friend. You’re under arrest for not thinking.”

After the police had hauled the SeaWorld fan off to jail, I and those with whom I’d just shared a few cathartic moments gave ourselves a round of applause.

Resuming the errand that had brought me to the bank in the first place, I deposited $6, which had been donated to The Daily Maul by a few thoughtful readers, and thanked my new friends for helping me subdue the dangerous non-thinker. And as I walked out of the bank, I felt another poke in the back. It was the elderly woman’s cane.

“Is BindiDeathWatch.com a real website?” she asked with excitement in her eyes.

“I have no idea,” I confessed. “It certainly should be.”

3 Comments

  1. Muahahahahaaaaa…..BLOODY BRILLIANT!

    Friday, March 14, 2014 at 6:51 pm | Permalink
  2. Brenda Calvillo wrote:

    David how much money are you being paid by the animal abusers? Your blog reeks of working for animal abusers. We know violence never solves anything.

    Sunday, March 16, 2014 at 5:24 pm | Permalink
  3. David Brensilver wrote:

    Brenda,

    Your question is stupid. I write what I want. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

    David

    Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 2:29 pm | Permalink

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