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Bigfoot Hunters Should Give Up the Ghost

Sasquatch hunters, I feel obligated to point out, share at least one unflattering character trait with degenerate gamblers.

“What brought this on?” you might ask.

And I’d tell you, “John Reed brought this on.”

To wit: The Patriot-News (Pennsylvania) recently reported that “according to Reed … a Bigfoot type of creature is responsible for smashing the windows and taillights out of his 1973 Dodge Winnebago.”

Your scrutiny of the vehicle description included in that excerpt is nothing to feel ashamed of. In fact, you’ve identified an important clue to the essence of Mr. Reed’s character.

On its own, the mention of a 40-year-old motor home attracts limited suspicion. One has to put that detail into context.

As The Patriot-News report indicated, our subject “is a member of Lykens Valley Sasquatch Hunters.”

Let’s let Mr. Reed tell us a bit about that organization.

In The Patriot-News video provided above, Mr. Reed explains, “What we do is, we come over here in the mountains and try and find evidence of Sasquatch. … What we want is for people to come here and see it and experience it and, you know, become believers.”

If seeing is believing, Mr. Reed is downright zealous.

Our intrepid Sasquatch hunter tells us in The Patriot-News video that after an earlier sighting he “didn’t tell (his girlfriend) that I’d seen it. She told me that she had seen it. And when I asked her to describe what she saw, she saw exactly the same thing I did.”

Mr. Reed’s latest attempt to secure his 15 minutes has already wasted more than an equal measure of my time.

I’m sure that Mr. Reed’s explanation as to how a dedicated Sasquatch hunter like him – who’s had the good fortune to encounter the legendary if hitherto mythical beast on more than one occasion – could, in good conscience, find himself ill-equipped to document his historic discovery would be less-than original.

And if Mr. Reed’s vehicle is any indication, it’s safe to say that our determined Sasquatch hunter hasn’t invested in any recording equipment of a more-recent vintage than his hairdo (see video).

Until he’s willing to put forth a respectable effort, I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask Mr. Reed to give up the ghost, as it were. His half-assed attempts to join such iconic con artists as Roger Patterson and Dr. Robert Kenneth Wilson remind us that only well-conceived hoaxes can generate fame and (some would argue) historical significance.

Mr. Reed’s laziness is certainly not a character trait that is shared by history’s most influential explorers – or by those who mistake playing the lottery for investing in their ambitions.

If there is a reason to be thankful that no conclusive evidence of Sasquatch’s existence has been discovered, it is because of what Homo sapiens would undoubtedly do with such proof.

And so, while I’m satisfied that no self-described Sasquatch hunter has managed to capture a single, compelling photograph of the mythical beast, I’ll continue to dismiss the ridiculous claims of shameless fools.

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