LONDON — Organizers of the 2012 Summer Olympics, whose opening ceremonies on July 27 in London will kick off the Games of the XXX Olympiad, are hoping to boost television ratings by publicly executing a man who was recently convicted of torturing his bull terrier to the point that the dog had to be put to sleep.
“While the death penalty was last applied here nearly a half-century ago, people’s overwhelming desire to see Andrew Summerfield brutally executed is shared by members of Parliament, Prime Minister Cameron, and Her Majesty the Queen,” a London 2012 spokesperson told The Daily Maul. “Those in attendance at the opening ceremonies and visitors to the great City of London will all be part of a cathartic administration of justice.”
As the Daily Mail reported earlier this month, Summerfield, of Colchester, Essex, England, “shot his own dog 10 times, stabbed it eight times with a meat cleaver, then left it for dead with a noose around his neck.”
An American tourist named Monty Gelstein said he “bought tickets to the Games as soon as rumors of Summerfield’s public execution began to circulate on the Internet.”
Reading aloud from a tattered copy of the June 12 edition of the Daily Mail, Gelstein — whose voice was spiced with equal measures of sadness and rage, pointed out that “vets had to put the bull terrier down.”
“Dogs are euthanized every day for simply existing in this callous and unevolved society,” Gelstein said with unrestrained emotion. “Summerfield’s mere existence on this planet is an insult to all other life forms. I can’t wait to watch the scumbag die.”
“We’re absolutely determined to make the millions watching the Games on television feel like they’re participating in Summerfield’s well-deserved public execution,” the London 2012 spokesperson said. “Everyone wants a piece of this sadistic bastard — and that includes our city’s dogs.”
While London 2012 organizers are keeping details of the public execution secret, a source close to the London Organizing Committee, speaking on condition of anonymity, told The Daily Maul that Summerfield will be beheaded during the opening ceremonies.
“Summerfield’s headless carcass will be fed to a pack of hungry dogs in Olympic Stadium,” The Daily Maul’s anonymous source said, “and his severed head will join the Olympic rings that were recently suspended from Tower Bridge.”
“We’re hoping that Summerfield’s public execution will bring the festivities to life — pun unintended — and that sports fans here in London and all over the world will stick around and stay tuned for such compelling athletic events as table tennis and trampoline,” the London 2012 spokesperson said.