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Category Archives: Bull’s-Eyes

Bullfighting Opponent to Produce Controversial Choreographer’s “Blood-Ballet”

Wealthy philanthropist and animal-rights advocate Monty Gelstein has infuriated Spanish bullfighting aficionados with his plan to produce controversial Catalan choreographer Jerónimo de Sarasate’s never-before-seen ballet Danza de los Muertos Toreros (Dance of the Dead Matadors). The work will be staged in an undisclosed location in the United States and streamed live at thedailymaul.com. In a press […]

Death of Bullfighter Patricia McCormick is Overdue

Upon learning of the long-overdue death of Missouri-born bullfighter Patricia McCormick, I worked diligently to perfect my sewing skills, hopeful that her family would consider donating her ugly carcass to a magic-based reality TV show I’d quickly conceived. In an obituary that appeared in Texas Monthly (and in a slightly different form in The New […]

Bull Attacks Florida Police Officer After Traffic Accident

WHDH-TV – A noncompliant slave was gunned down by Florida law-enforcement officers earlier this month after the truck in which he was being transported suffered a flat tire and crashed. After escaping from the wreckage, the angry slave charged and flattened responding police Sgt. Richard LaLonde of the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office. In the WHGH […]

Bull with Flaming Horns Fatally Gores Man in Spain

I am thrilled to report that a superfluous Spaniard was fatally gored by a bull on Saturday. A story in the Daily Mail tells us that “a reveller was gored to death by a flaming-horned bull at a Spanish fiesta … The half-ton beast charged the unnamed 45-year-old, trampling on his head and goring his body.” […]

Drunk Spaniard No Match for Half-Ton Mouse

When I first read about a drunk Spaniard being gored to death by a bull named Mouse, I immediately began to wonder how long it would take for a reenactment of the incident to be featured on Spike TV’s 1000 Ways to Die. Producers of the highly informative and entertaining series could borrow this feel-good […]

Over the Limit, Hole in Your Chest

Just the other day I was telling a friend that people who ride motorcycles under the influence of alcohol are asking for trouble. Terrence Binney, for example, got drunk and collided with a water buffalo, who, in turn, drove a horn into the old sot’s abdomen. Ronald Sumilang, a police officer in the Philippines, where […]

“Black Death” Accused of Hate Crime

The good news is: An African buffalo killed two humans last week. The bad news is: The buffalo is being accused of committing a hate crime. How else could one interpret this lede from an Agence France-Presse report: “A wounded buffalo gored a white Kenyan farmer and his guard to death on the shores of […]