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Category Archives: Bull’s-Eyes

Bullfighting Opponent to Produce Controversial Choreographer’s “Blood-Ballet”

Wealthy philanthropist and animal-rights advocate Monty Gelstein has infuriated Spanish bullfighting aficionados with his plan to produce controversial Catalan choreographer Jerónimo de Sarasate’s never-before-seen ballet Danza de los Muertos Toreros (Dance of the Dead Matadors). The work will be staged in an undisclosed location in the United States and streamed live at In a press […]

Death of Bullfighter Patricia McCormick is Overdue

Upon learning of the long-overdue death of Missouri-born bullfighter Patricia McCormick, I worked diligently to perfect my sewing skills, hopeful that her family would consider donating her ugly carcass to a magic-based reality TV show I’d quickly conceived. In an obituary that appeared in Texas Monthly (and in a slightly different form in The New […]

Bull Attacks Florida Police Officer After Traffic Accident

WHDH-TV – A noncompliant slave was gunned down by Florida law-enforcement officers earlier this month after the truck in which he was being transported suffered a flat tire and crashed. After escaping from the wreckage, the angry slave charged and flattened responding police Sgt. Richard LaLonde of the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office. In the WHGH […]

Bull with Flaming Horns Fatally Gores Man in Spain

I am thrilled to report that a superfluous Spaniard was fatally gored by a bull on Saturday. A story in the Daily Mail tells us that “a reveller was gored to death by a flaming-horned bull at a Spanish fiesta … The half-ton beast charged the unnamed 45-year-old, trampling on his head and goring his body.” […]

Drunk Spaniard No Match for Half-Ton Mouse

When I first read about a drunk Spaniard being gored to death by a bull named Mouse, I immediately began to wonder how long it would take for a reenactment of the incident to be featured on Spike TV’s 1000 Ways to Die. Producers of the highly informative and entertaining series could borrow this feel-good […]

Over the Limit, Hole in Your Chest

Just the other day I was telling a friend that people who ride motorcycles under the influence of alcohol are asking for trouble. Terrence Binney, for example, got drunk and collided with a water buffalo, who, in turn, drove a horn into the old sot’s abdomen. Ronald Sumilang, a police officer in the Philippines, where […]

“Black Death” Accused of Hate Crime

The good news is: An African buffalo killed two humans last week. The bad news is: The buffalo is being accused of committing a hate crime. How else could one interpret this lede from an Agence France-Presse report: “A wounded buffalo gored a white Kenyan farmer and his guard to death on the shores of […]