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Category Archives: Crocodile Tears

Alligator Executed After Encounter with Florida Woman

Animals almost always lose. It’s the maddening reality that motivated me to launch this blog in the first place. The latest example of humankind’s arrogant expectation that other species play by our absurd rules involves a Florida woman who nearly lost one of her hands to an alligator when she reached into the water to retrieve a […]

Meet “Kid Schadenfreude,” a 4-Year-Old Animal-Attack Connoisseur

Yesterday, I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. It came up in conversation that her 4-year-old son is a budding connoisseur of successful animal-on-human attacks. Naturally, I proposed that my friend, whom we’ll call “Lady Gogo,” read my latest blog post to her son and record his reaction. My most […]

Alligator 1, Reckless Dude 0

I have an idea for a short comedic film about a guy being killed by an alligator. As the film begins, we meet a reckless young man who’s preparing to go for a swim in a Texas bayou. Scoffing at posted and verbal warnings that alligators had recently been spotted in the area, he disrobes and dives in. […]

Crocodile Attacks Surfer in Costa Rica, Environment Minister Should Do Nothing

The following letter was sent to René Castro, Costa Rica’s environment and energy minister. Hi René, I understand that you’re contemplating what to do about a crocodile who on Sunday inflicted a few superficial wounds on a Spanish surfer. If you’re a rational person, you’ll do absolutely nothing. In case you haven’t been briefed on […]

Police Murder Four Crocodiles After One Allegedly Kills Idiotic Partygoer

More than once, I’ve been asked how I can possibly say that a human life is no more precious than that of another species. Today, in memory of four crocodiles who were brutally slain for being crocodiles, I’m able to offer a fresh example. Authorities (and I use that word with ample contempt) in Australia’s […]

Man Who Lost Hand to Alligator Should Send Me His Other Hand

ABC-7.com WZVN News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral I’m hoping to convince a one-handed Florida ne’er–do–well to chop off his right hand and send it to me so I can skin it and use the flesh for a new wallet. The potential donor I’m referring to is Wallace Weatherholt, about whom I wrote in June […]

Crocodile Kills 9-Year-Old in Australia’s Northern Territory

Australia’s Top End does not have a problem with crocodiles. It has a problem with greedy and vengeful humans. ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) reported on Monday that “Northern Territory Police have suspended their search for a 9-year-old boy taken by a saltwater crocodile near the eastern tip of Arnhem Land. Police say the attack […]

Suicide by Crocodile Draws Attention to Holocaust in Thailand

Ordinarily, headlines promising details of a suicide by crocodile would thrill me to no end. And it was with great anticipation and enthusiasm that I read a recent news report about a Thai woman who apparently ended it all in just that manner. According to the International Business Times, “Tiphawan Prakarn, 36, never returned from […]

Florida Man Arrested After Alligator Bites Off His Hand

Let’s give authorities in Collier County, Florida, a hand for filing charges against a guy with (deservedly) only one. I’m talking, of course, about Wallace Weatherholt, who lost a hand to an alligator back in June. Mr. Weatherholt, an airboat captain working for the Everglades City, Florida-based Captain Doug’s Everglades Tours, was “essentially baiting the […]

Alligator Bites Off Florida Airboat Captain’s Hand

Since he lost one of his hands to an alligator on Tuesday, Wallace Weatherholt’s friends, family, and coworkers have indicated that they plan to raise money to help support the Everglades tour guide’s recovery. I’m encouraging people, including Mr. Weatherholt, to donate funds to wildlife-protection organizations in memory of the alligator who was executed for […]