Skip to content

Category Archives: Crocodile Tears

NRLC Victory: Crocodile Bites Man’s Testicles

The drooling class is up in arms after a crocodile performed a nonconsensual vasectomy on an Zimbabwean farmer. “Monsters and demons have escaped from our nightmares and are threatening our very existence,” said a creepy religious freak whose name I didn’t get. The creepy religious freak made his paranoid comments in response to a report […]

Crocodile — or Shark — Attack in Northern Australia Leaves Scuba Diver Dead

As is so often the case, my celebration of a successful animal-on-human attack has been muted, as bloodthirsty, vengeful “authorities” hunt down the alleged, offending beast. “A Cairns barge captain has been killed in an apparent crocodile attack in waters off the Cape York peninsula,” according to an Australian Associated Press report in The Sydney […]

Did Crocodile Attack in the Solomon Islands Provide an Opportunity for Murder?

Something’s been bothering me about a crocodile attack last month in the Solomon Islands. What strikes me as odd has been the absence in local news reports of the phrase “evidence of foul play.” I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that husbands and wives are usually viewed as possible suspects in their spouses’ […]

Seeking Interns to Videotape Decapitations

Have you always wanted to watch a saltwater crocodile tear the head off a dim-witted tourist? Can you hold a video camera steady? If you answered “yes” to these two questions, apply now for an internship at The Daily Maul. While interns are not offered salaries, they are fed massive servings of delicious schadenfreude. The […]

To Save or to Sleep: Neighbors Choose Shut-Eye

Thanks a lot, assholes. I’m being torn limb from fucking limb and you’re just too tired to save my ass. That’s certainly what Edwin Lucero must have been thinking last week as he was being dismembered by a crocodile. From the Journal Online (Philippines): “Residents in the area said they heard noise coming from the […]

Fighting a One-Armed Man

Mr. Wiencek, I’m writing to let you know that I’ll be suing you on behalf of American alligators — and in memory of the creature who was executed for tearing your arm off in October 2009. Are you really surprised that I’d work to put your old, wrinkled ass (minus your right arm) in the […]

One Man’s Horror is Another Man’s Schadenfreude

Filmmaker Ben Stookesberry and photographer Chris Korbulic failed to capture video footage or still images of Hendrik Coetzee’s last moments on Earth when, according to The Associated Press, a “crocodile snatched him from his kayak while he led an American expedition from the source of the White Nile into the heart of Congo.” The Associated […]

Have You Lost Your Head?

A “demon crocodile” decapitated 60-year-old Mohomed Buhari in Sri Lanka’s Eastern Province last week. According to Sri Lanka’s slanderous Daily News — I use the word slanderous to point out the Daily News’ ridiculous description of the crocodile — Mr. Buhari “was attacked and killed by a demon crocodile while he was fishing in the […]