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Category Archives: Grinning and Bearing It

Bears Who Didn’t Attack Florida Woman Executed by Wildlife Gestapo

After 54-year-old Seminole County, Florida, resident Susan Chalfant sustained injuries during a Dec. 2, 2013, encounter with a black bear, the state’s vengeful Wildlife Gestapo profiled, captured, and executed two animals and imprisoned three others. No sooner had the state’s death squad executed a female bear than they turned their punitive attention to a male […]

Pious Drunk in Alaska Endangers Bear’s Life

On its face, a news report out of Alaska about a man’s tussle with a black bear seems to have a happy ending, inasmuch as both survived the encounter. The truth of the matter is that the bear is alive, fortunately, in large part because the human in question made it painfully (if you’ll pardon […]

Alaska Man Mauled by Bear, Troopers Kill First Suspect They See

Law-enforcement officials in Delta Junction, Alaska, have executed a bear they hope was responsible for a local man’s death. Citing information provided by the Alaska State Troopers, the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner has reported that “a Fairbanks man was killed by a bear Thursday evening at George Lake” and that “troopers who responded to the scene […]

Hunter Loses Leg After Shooting Himself, Black Bear Dies

The good news is: A California savage has one fewer legs than he did before going bear hunting earlier this month. The bad news is: A black bear was executed for being a black bear. A December 28 post on Outdoor Life’s “Newshound” blog explains that “the man was bear hunting with friends when the […]

Denali Bear Attack Leaves Backpacker Dead

A grizzly bear was executed last month in Denali National Park and Preserve after killing an irresponsible backpacker who got too close and hung around too long. “The hiker had photographed the bear for more than eight minutes and appeared to have come within 50 yards of the animal before he was attacked” on Friday, […]

Bear Euthanized, Cub Orphaned After Florida Attack

Central Florida residents have long been encouraged to appreciate and peacefully coexist with bears — unless, of course, a bear dares to wander out of residents’ nightmares and onto their streets. With the 13th annual Florida Black Bear Festival scheduled to take place in Umatilla on March 31, one would-be guest of honor has been […]

Bear-Attack Victim Shot, Killed by Friend

Last week, I challenged claims that Ty Bell “has a soft spot” for wildlife and “true hunter ethic.” Bell, for those unfamiliar with the bloodthirsty mouth-breather, was heroized by hunting apologists for killing a grizzly bear in an effort to save his hunting buddy’s superfluous life. In railing against this heroizing — and against the […]

Grizzly Bear Attacks, Kills Hunter

I was reading Marcus Aurelius Armitage’s treatise on isolation, If China Were a Chicken, I’d Be Reading Sophocles at Wrigley Field, when the red phone rang. It was my friend Monty Gelstein calling from his psychiatrist’s office, where he was waiting for an administration of electroshock therapy. “They’re making a martyr of him,” Monty was […]

Open Letter to America’s Hunting Apologists

Dear bloodthirsty cretins, You are hereby banned from a) claiming that you were “attacked” by the animal you were hunting, and b) claiming that your murder of that animal was an act of “self-defense.” Allow me to present, as an example of what henceforth will be treated with due ridicule, this lede from a story […]

What’s the Matter, Bear Got Your Tongue?

I’ve heard people say that young people, these days, are always on their cell phones, connected to family and friends by an electronic umbilical cord they won’t allow to be cut. Take 19-year-old Olga Moskalyova, for example, who, according to the Daily Mail, went with her stepfather, Igor Tsyganenkov, “to retrieve a fishing rod that […]