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Category Archives: No Maul at All

Connecticut Officials Execute Bear Leaving Cubs Motherless

In their infinite wisdom (insert sarcasm here), officials — or should I call them cowboys? — at the Connecticut Department of Energy and Environmental Protection executed a black bear who dared to behave like a black bear on private property, leaving her cubs motherless. According to a news release issued on May 29 by the […]

Tiger Escapes Circus, Surprises Woman in Bathroom

A Kansas woman trying to enjoy some wholesome family entertainment recently found herself face to face with an escaped slave. No sooner had Jenna Krehbiel entered a restroom at the Salina Bicentennial Center than she “got a close-up view” of the slave “she had just seen perform in the arena,” according to a report in […]

Bigfoot Hunters Should Give Up the Ghost

Sasquatch hunters, I feel obligated to point out, share at least one unflattering character trait with degenerate gamblers. “What brought this on?” you might ask. And I’d tell you, “John Reed brought this on.” To wit: The Patriot-News (Pennsylvania) recently reported that “according to Reed … a Bigfoot type of creature is responsible for smashing […]

Imprison Man Who Endangered Bronx Zoo Tiger

We’ve heard a lot in the past few weeks about David Villalobos, the 25-year-old New York man who jumped into a Bronx Zoo tiger enclosure in an attempt to “be one” with the animal therein. And yet all that’s been written about the tiger is that he won’t be executed for giving Villalobos what amounted […]

Kentucky Group Seeks Proof that Bigfoot Exists

I know a little something about monsters. When I was young, I spent portions of a few summer vacations on the Vermont side of Lake Champlain, near the Canadian border. The lake, young campers were told, is home to a “resident monster, affectionately known as ‘Champ,’” to quote from the Lake Champlain Region website, which […]

Ohio Sheriff Honored for Killing Exotic Animals

Yesterday, many in the United States acknowledged the leadership of the late Martin Luther King, Jr., who, on Sunday, would have turned 83. And, as I write this, many are celebrating the strength of Muhammad Ali, who turns 70 today. Others still (I am not among them), are honoring Muskingum County, Ohio, Sheriff Matthew Lutz […]

Drunk Teen in Bolivia Commits Suicide by Piranha

On November 28, I invited those “who’ve abused and brutally killed animals” to apply to my River of Blood Baptism Program. Having read in the Daily Mail that “thousands of flesh-eating piranhas have infested a Brazilian river beach popular with tourists,” I knew I’d found the perfect location for my recently established human-sacrifice initiative. Imagine […]

Man Sentenced in Bear Attack Murder Plot

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player Clyde Gardner’s plan to kill a bear and wear its carcass to carry out the murder of his estranged girlfriend was ridiculously stupid. Even he, the alcoholic loser, sensed as much and opted instead to ask a friend to murder the woman in a phony automobile accident. I’m relieved that […]

Open Letter to America’s Hunting Apologists

Dear bloodthirsty cretins, You are hereby banned from a) claiming that you were “attacked” by the animal you were hunting, and b) claiming that your murder of that animal was an act of “self-defense.” Allow me to present, as an example of what henceforth will be treated with due ridicule, this lede from a story […]

Murder Before Morning Tee Time

Yesterday, an Arizona Game and Fish Department official executed a mountain lion so the animal wouldn’t have to go through life fearing humans. According to The Daily Courier, Prescott, Arizona, resident Donna Michael saw the creature through her kitchen window. The Daily Courier report quotes Michael as saying: “I just looked at that thing and […]