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Category Archives: Reasonable Requests

Dear Bindi Irwin: Shut the F*@K Up

In a recent interview with Who magazine — an Australian version of People, and not, unfortunately, a periodical dedicated to the legendary British rock band — Bindi Irwin bitched about details of her father’s brutal death being made public. In March, on a Network Ten (Australia) TV show called Studio 10, a cameraman named Justin Lyons, who witnessed Steve Irwin […]

Python Successfully Defends Herself in Bali, Leaves Would-Be Captor Dead

Law-enforcement officials in Bali, Indonesia, are searching for a fugitive python they say killed a security guard at a local hotel. According to a Dec. 27 Agence France-Presse report, “The security guard, Ambar Arianto Mulyo, spotted the serpent and succeeded in catching it, a police official said. Mulyo, 59, gripped its head with his right […]

Heiskell Executives Should Take Responsibility for Abuse of Calves

The following is an open letter to J.D. Heiskell & Company executives Scot Hillman and Robert Hodgen, who insist that they’re in no way responsible for the animal cruelty depicted in video footage obtained during a recent undercover investigation at their company’s subsidiary, the Quanah Cattle Co. Scot and Robert, Are the usual tired and […]

“Hitler Prize” Established to Reward Perseverance in Face of Animal-Rights Activism

The Daily Mail (London) is reporting that “an Italian trade union has been slammed by Jewish groups for offering a spoof ‘Hitler Prize’ to people who work with animals, who have been targeted by extremists.” The report explains that “Feder Fauna, a union for people working with animals such as breeders and farmers, named the […]

Whole Foods Should Tell Consumers How Much Turkeys Enjoy Being “Humanely” Slaughtered

I was recently made aware of an insulting marketing campaign designed to make consumers feel really good about buying “humanely” raised turkeys. The propaganda was presented in an e-mail whose subject line reads: “Get to know your turkey at Whole Foods Market.” That sounds like something Dahmer might’ve said, I thought, replacing the word “turkey,” […]

U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance Apoplectic Over Anti-Hunting Promotion

The mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers at the U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance are apoplectic over the fact that an anti-hunting organization delivered its message to nearly 18,000 basketball fans at the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Oct. 30 game against the Orlando Magic. U.S. Sportsmen’s Alliance Foundation President and CEO Nick Pinizzotto was quoted in a Nov. 1 public word-tantrum as saying, […]

Poachers Use Cyanide to Kill 300 Elephants, War on Poaching Urged

I’m afraid the only way we’re going to protect elephants, rhinos, and other wildlife from poachers is to declare a War on Poaching. It’s time for language like, “either you are with us, or you are with the poachers,” to adapt a bellicose line delivered in September 2001 by President George W. Bush, and for […]

Crocodile Attacks Surfer in Costa Rica, Environment Minister Should Do Nothing

The following letter was sent to René Castro, Costa Rica’s environment and energy minister. Hi René, I understand that you’re contemplating what to do about a crocodile who on Sunday inflicted a few superficial wounds on a Spanish surfer. If you’re a rational person, you’ll do absolutely nothing. In case you haven’t been briefed on […]

Royal Navy Should Sink Whaling Ships to Redress 1982 Whale Killings

Since superpowers like the United States and the United Kingdom enjoy policing the world with impunity, I’d like to request that the Royal Navy sink as many whaling vessels as their captains can find, wherever they can find them. If anyone complains, British war-makers can pass the mission off as a “military exercise gone wrong” […]

Why Hunters Shouldn’t Invoke Hitler When Whining About Animal-Rights Advocates

It should come as no surprise that an enthusiastic participant in the slaughter of certain populations isn’t able to appreciate the irony of invoking Hitler when complaining about the outraged resistance. Case in point: Tony Makris, the bloodlust-full host of a recently canceled hunting show called Under Wild Skies, inadvertently revealed his intellectual shortcomings (among […]