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Category Archives: Wishful Fiction

Hunter Population Numbers One Fewer

Once in a while, in addition to giving us reason to celebrate, news of a fatal hunting incident can provide a decent grammar lesson. First, the news. According to the Associated Press, an inebriated dimwit in Florida, while taking a break from killing fish, checked to see if his handgun was loaded by putting the thing to his largely empty noggin and […]

For Royal Savages, Boxing Day Shoot Goes Wrong

NORFOLK, ENGLAND, TOMORROW — Law-enforcement officials in Norfolk, England, are searching for a man they suspect had something to do with an “unfathomable” Boxing Day hunting accident at the queen’s estate in Sandringham that claimed the lives of all the royals who participated in an annual pheasant slaughter. Police on the scene also believe that the editor of […]

Stuffing Chris Christie Into a Gestation Crate

“When we first starting working together,” my therapist said, “you were the angriest person I’d ever met.” Somehow, it pleased me to hear that. “You’ve made amazing progress over the past decade and a half,” she said, “but today, I sense an old, familiar rage.” I sipped my agave-nectar-laced tea and waited for her to […]

Hunter Mowed Down in Inspiring Accident

I was screaming into a pillow when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like the inside of a lawn mower. “What is that goddamned racket?” I shouted, tortured enough by the noise in my head. “It’s my new combine,” Monty explained. “I’m taking it for a spin.” […]

How Can Hunter Live With Himself After Shooting, Killing Brother?

I was working on a novella called Baptism by Piranha when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling to update me on his search for a way to partially light the darkness. “There was a fatal hunting accident in northeastern Utah over the weekend, and all I can think about are the bastards who live to […]

Hunter Falls to His Death; Oh, How I Wish He’d Been Pushed

If a hunter falls off the side of a mountain, does anybody hear him scream on the way down? It’s certainly a sound that would be music to my ears. And if I aim my ears to the west and listen very, very carefully, I can almost hear the echo of a vicious bastard named […]

Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force Forming

The Daily Maul is looking for a few fully evolved psychological ninjas to join a Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force, a group that will be dedicated to convincing bloodlust-full members of the drooling class to take their own worthless lives. Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and tireless animal-rights advocate who will chair the HSETF, promised that “getting […]

Vegans Should Refuse to Perform Heimlich Maneuver on Choking Meat-Eaters

I was working on my forthcoming Sonata No. 1 for Didgeridoo, Zither, and Theremin when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like a median strip somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike. It turned out that he was outside a restaurant in a Dallas suburb, where he’d been […]

The Relative Humorlessness of Veganism: A Nonjudgmental Lament

I was fretting over an essay I’m working on called “The Relative Humorlessness of Veganism: A Nonjudgmental Lament” when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling, quite coincidentally and unwittingly, to provide a case study. It was also an opportunity for me to amuse myself. “So, I’m at this mostly […]

Backlash to Bindi Irwin Partnering with SeaWorld Turns Violent

I was in line at the bank, minding my own business, when the guy behind me started poking me in the back and asking, “You think this is acceptable?” Apparently, my T-shirt had offended the guy, who, ironically, was wearing a SeaWorld baseball cap. “That ‘Crocodile Hunter’ was good people,” the dim-witted goon insisted. […]