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Category Archives: Wishful Thinking

Selling Caskets to Hunters, A Dream Job

For the past 24 hours or so, I’ve been enjoying a beautiful daydream in which I’m a clairvoyant casket salesman pushing a new product on a soon-to-be deceased Ted Nugent. The daydream was inspired by an OutdoorHub.com story titled “More Hunters Opting for Hunting-themed ‘Camo Caskets,’” which explains that “one of the designs on the market is a hunting-themed, camouflage-lined […]

Stuffing Chris Christie Into a Gestation Crate

“When we first starting working together,” my therapist said, “you were the angriest person I’d ever met.” Somehow, it pleased me to hear that. “You’ve made amazing progress over the past decade and a half,” she said, “but today, I sense an old, familiar rage.” I sipped my agave-nectar-laced tea and waited for her to […]

Hunter Mowed Down in Inspiring Accident

I was screaming into a pillow when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like the inside of a lawn mower. “What is that goddamned racket?” I shouted, tortured enough by the noise in my head. “It’s my new combine,” Monty explained. “I’m taking it for a spin.” […]

How Can Hunter Live With Himself After Shooting, Killing Brother?

I was working on a novella called Baptism by Piranha when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling to update me on his search for a way to partially light the darkness. “There was a fatal hunting accident in northeastern Utah over the weekend, and all I can think about are the bastards who live to […]

Hunter Falls to His Death; Oh, How I Wish He’d Been Pushed

If a hunter falls off the side of a mountain, does anybody hear him scream on the way down? It’s certainly a sound that would be music to my ears. And if I aim my ears to the west and listen very, very carefully, I can almost hear the echo of a vicious bastard named […]

Raise Money to Protect Animals, Let Wounded Hunters Die

Nothing would fill me with rage more than being stuck at an intersection where a bunch of mouth-breathing troglodytes were raising money to help the “victim” of a hunting accident. A few weeks ago, in Etowah County, Alabama, the community set out to do just that, in an effort to help pay a worthless thug’s medical bills. On […]

Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force Forming

The Daily Maul is looking for a few fully evolved psychological ninjas to join a Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force, a group that will be dedicated to convincing bloodlust-full members of the drooling class to take their own worthless lives. Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and tireless animal-rights advocate who will chair the HSETF, promised that “getting […]

I Was a Victim of Vegan Profiling, Your Honor

I plan to tell a traffic-court judge that I was a victim of “vegan profiling.” I’m not sure yet when I’ll have to appear in court, but when I do, I’ll argue that I was pulled over because of a bumper sticker that I have on my car. The incident happened earlier this afternoon on a […]

Vegans Should Refuse to Perform Heimlich Maneuver on Choking Meat-Eaters

I was working on my forthcoming Sonata No. 1 for Didgeridoo, Zither, and Theremin when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like a median strip somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike. It turned out that he was outside a restaurant in a Dallas suburb, where he’d been […]

Monsters at Copenhagen Zoo Inspire Plan for Human Zoo

I’m looking into the possibility of opening a human zoo in Copenhagen. The legalities of the thing will no doubt present some challenges, but I think I’ve found a way to make it work — and to make some real money. To be fair, my good friend Monty Gelstein is the one who suggested calling […]