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Festival Seeks Volunteers for Public Executions


Contact: Monty Gelstein

Festival Seeks Volunteers for Public Executions

Were you left hideously disfigured or disabled after being mauled by another species while hunting? Was your career as a matador cut short as a result of being beautifully gored by a prideful bull? Have these setbacks sapped your will to live? If so, we’d like to invite you to The Daily Maul’s inaugural Karmic Balance Festival, during which animal advocates from all over the world will gather at the opulent Château Schadenfreude, in the French Alps, to celebrate the measures of karma that were added to the balance over the past year.

The Daily Maul is looking for three uniquely qualified members of the drooling class who tortured and murdered countless nonhuman species before suffering the above-mentioned killing-spree-ending injuries.

The most qualified applicant will be served a vegan meal fit for a king before being placed in a cage, paraded around the Château Schadenfreude’s immaculately manicured grounds, and *butchered alive for the entertainment of schadenfreude-addicted festivalgoers.

“The butchering event was modeled after a savage custom in the village of Nem Thuong, Vietnam, during which a live pig is sacrificed in the same brutal manner,” Monty Gelstein, the festival’s events coordinator, said in an e-mail.

In that unconscionable tradition, as described in a February 2, 2012, article by Clare Richardson (now Reuters’ world editor) in The Huffington Post, “a live pig is shuttled around the village before being placed on the ground on its back. Assistants hold ropes attached to the pig’s legs, spreading the animal’s appendages apart to expose its belly. A man wielding a large blade then chops the pig in half, and the villagers rush to smear the blood on bank notes, hoping for good luck in the new year.”

To whet the appetites of schadenfreude-addicted festivalgoers, the other two members of the drooling class chosen to be publicly executed will endure the same barbaric treatment as the victims of Peruvian Yawar festivals, during which mouth-breathing revelers are entertained by a knuckle-dragging **Neanderthal who oversees the panicked suffering of two tortured creatures.

In a January 29, 2013, report, The Guardian’s Latin American correspondent, Jonathan Watts, explained that “the bindings for the condor are sewn into the hide of the bull. Agitated by the stitches in its back, the beat of wings above its head and the matador’s provocations in front of its eyes, the enraged bull storms around the ring with the condor lolling from side to side.”

Watts tells us in his article that “the bulls are often slaughtered” and that “there are no definitive figures on the mortality rate of condors at Yawar festivals, but environmentalists estimate 10% to 20% are killed during the fights, while others break or dislocate bones and are likely to struggle to survive after their release.”

In his e-mail, Gelstein said, “For the piggyback persecution, one subhuman will be stapled to the back of another, and the two of them will be tormented by a torch-wielding festivalgoer. … While both savages will likely survive the exhibition, they’ll be fed soon thereafter to festival-attending pigs.”

Members of the drooling class who are interested in being tortured and executed during the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival should submit their qualifications in the comments section of this commentary.

The inaugural Karmic Balance Festival is scheduled for June 26, 2013, at the Château Schadenfreude, directions to which will be sent, via e-mail, to The Daily Maul subscribers.

* Don Parnell will serve as butcher-in-chief at the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival.

** The first The Daily Maul subscriber to RSVP for the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival will serve as the torch-wielding Neanderthal during the piggyback persecution.

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