SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – State and federal law-enforcement authorities are urging residents not to participate in the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s 2013 Python Challenge out of concern that participants’ lives could be in danger.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a commission staffer told The Daily Maul that his “superiors were duped into approving the emergency cull of a ‘problem species’ they later realized was their own.”
“Frankly,” he said, “the commissioners were so excited about another opportunity to generate revenue by satisfying their constituents’ bloodthirst that they didn’t bother to scrutinize a request for the ‘immediate harvest of 2013 Python Challenge participants.’”
While commission officials say they don’t know where the request originated, the FBI believes an animal-rights activist named Monty Gelstein is behind the plot.
“I’ve chased that twisted vigilante from Indiana to Texas and from Ohio to California. I know he’s behind this – and I know he’s here, putting civic-minded Floridians’ lives in danger,” an FBI spokesperson said, adjusting his aviator-style sunglasses and spitting chewing-tobacco juice onto his jackboots.
Law-enforcement authorities suspect Gelstein of planning the officially sanctioned massacre in protest of the 2013 Python Challenge, which is scheduled to take place January 12, 2013, through February 10, 2013.
According to its website, the month-long event is an “opportunity to competitively harvest Burmese pythons” — a slaughter organized around the arrogant suggestion that “there is an ethical obligation to ensure a Burmese python is killed in a humane manner that results in immediate loss of consciousness and destruction of the brain.”
Among the “humane” execution methods identified on the event’s website are “using a captive bolt … using a firearm … (and) decapitating the python.”
Unlike the 2013 Python Challenge, which requires a $25 murder license, the approved harvest of event participants is open to residents and nonresidents, each of whom will be paid $25 for his or her commitment to eradicating a savage “problem species.”
And whereas the 2013 Python Challenge will award cash prizes to “the participant harvesting the most Burmese pythons” and “the participant harvesting the longest Burmese python,” language approving the harvest of python hunters promises each participant “the healthy dose of schadenfreude that comes with adding a measure of karma to the balance.”