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Fur Shop Closes After Cruelty-Free Clothing Store Opens Nearby

Fur-sewing machineCHICAGO, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – A furrier whose Gold Coast boutique had long attracted the patronage of Chicago’s drooling class has closed its doors after being driven out of business by a pop-up clothier specializing in garments and accessories crafted from human flesh.

“I’ve been robbed of my life,” Cal Lousprick, the dispirited owner of Broad Shoulders Furs, managed to say while sobbing uncontrollably. “It’s as if I was targeted, exploited, and destroyed like some kind of animal.”

Lousprick’s problems began when Lake Shore Flesh Fashions, which sells high-end formal wear and accessories made of human skin, opened in the early morning hours of Black Friday.

Monty Gelstein, the owner of the fashion-forward emporium, said he’s “thrilled to see Lousprick’s disgusting carcass shop go the way of John Galliano’s reputation.”

In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Lousprick’s regular clients, among them those from Chicago’s old- and new-money circles and numerous celebrities — from athletes and actors to rock stars and royalty – abandoned him.

“These are people who fancy themselves trend-setters,” an obviously wounded Lousprick said. “Many of them saw Mr. Gelstein’s horrifying fashions as aesthetically daring.”

Some, Lousprick said, were “thoroughly creeped-out by Gelstein’s execrable bazaar and vowed to take their business to more civilized and hospitable environs.”

And others, he said, “simply refused to be extras in the negative advertising campaign Mr. Gelstein conceived to depict me as a callous, blood-money-grubbing monster and himself as an innovative hero with karma on his side.”

Among the items for sale at Lake Shore Flesh and Fashions are tuxedos and flapper dresses, scarves, evening gloves, cummerbunds, and suspenders.

In addition to poaching a sizable portion of Lousprick’s suddenly unfaithful customer base, Gelstein has established himself as one of the world’s most sought-after designers. His designs, all of which are created on the premises, have become all the rage among the city’s image-conscious vegans.

“I just love these opera gloves,” a pixieish customer named Sybil Saint-Hélène said upon exiting Gelstein’s shop. “It’s like I’m wearing my own skin, except that it’s someone else’s skin.”

Saint-Hélène, a vegan breakfast-cereal magnate who recently relocated to Chicago from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, said she “would have been more likely to burn Broad Shoulders Furs to the ground than to walk in the door, let alone wear fur.”

“I’ve bitten people because they were wearing fur,” Saint-Hélène said, matter-of-factly.

Mr. Gelstein, on the other hand, can count on Saint-Hélène’s frequent business.

“His stuff is inimitably stylish and cruelty-free,” she said, pointing to a label on the inside of one of her evening gloves that read: “No humans were harmed in the construction of this product.”

Gelstein explained that “100 percent of the human flesh I use in my designs is donated by victims of fatal hunting and fur-trapping accidents.”

One Comment

  1. Pattieb wrote:

    Brilliant piece of writing. I love it. Once the news of this new store gets around, every discerning fashionista will be wanting in. I can see it now, royalty and their sisters, and those lovely Countryside Alliance people, as well as the big chested celebs from reality television, all queuing at the doors. Mega stars like Lady Gaga will of course be able to arrange to have the place closed for a day to browse at leisure. I do think however, that instead of using damaged flesh from hunting accidents etc, it would be better to set up human farms, origin assured of course. And I am sure that some of the more mentally challenged sycophantic celeb followers would be more than happy to donate skin if they thought it be worn by their idols.

    Thursday, January 10, 2013 at 2:04 am | Permalink

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