“We are gathered here today to celebrate the death and disparage the life of Gregory Rodriguez, a bloodlust-full serial killer whose savage exploits long delighted the drooling class. …”
“You’re not actually going to say that, are you?” an anonymous voice asked from somewhere in the balcony.
“Well someone’s at the wrong memorial service,” I said, encouraging laughter among the congregants at my Washington, D.C.-based church, Karmic Balance Ministries. “This service,” I continued in a serious tone, “is offered in memory of the victims of Mr. Rodriguez’s shameful killing sprees.”
I’d gone off-script, and that was OK.
Ad-libbing like a chatty stoner, I explained to any newcomers that “just as Mr. Rodriguez reveled in the brutal murder of other species, we are brought together today to luxuriate in his equally violent end.”
I offered a toast – one of many – to the measure of karma that had been added to the balance.
Twelve-hundred miles away, in a godforsaken place called Richmond, Texas, a different set of humans gathered at what the Sugar Land Sun (Houston Community Newspapers) had promised would be “a celebration of Gregory Rodriguez’s life.”
Rodriguez, a hunting enthusiast who encouraged and enabled savagery through his Sportsman Channel TV show, A Rifleman’s Journal, and through his bloodthirst-satisfaction concern, Global Adventure Outfitters, was allegedly executed last week by an otherwise unimportant psychopath named Wayne Bengtson, who apparently didn’t like the fact that his wife – whom he viciously assaulted for her part – was entertaining the popular Neanderthal.
“Subsequently, Bengtson was found in his house of an apparent self inflicted gunshot wound to the head,” according to the Sugar Land Sun report, which tells us, quoting language on the Global Adventure Outfitters website, that the loathsome Rodriguez had “taken 140 species of big game” before being slaughtered.
“Our rejoicing is tempered only by the fact that Mr. Rodriguez’s terrorist organization will continue to feed the deranged addictions of cretinous evildoers,” I instructed the enlightened churchgoers before me. “Still, let us remind those who celebrate after visiting death on other species that we have gathered here today with no blood on our hands.”