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Hunter Mowed Down in Inspiring Accident

Photo by Rastrojo

Photo by Rastrojo

I was screaming into a pillow when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like the inside of a lawn mower.

“What is that goddamned racket?” I shouted, tortured enough by the noise in my head.

“It’s my new combine,” Monty explained. “I’m taking it for a spin.”

“Combine?” I asked. “What the fuck is a combine?”

“Most people use it for harvesting grain,” he said.

“But you’re using it for …” I interrupted, eager for him to get to the point.

“I’m going to use it to accidentally mow down hunters,” Monty told me, matter-of-factly. “Surely you read about the Illinois bow hunter who was mowed down by one of these machines earlier this month.”

The news, which I hadn’t read, was good enough to brighten my mood.

“He was walking along a roadside wearing camouflage,” Monty said. “It was after sundown, so, apparently, the combine operator didn’t see him. And no charges have been filed — because it was an accident.”

I knew where he was going with this, and, frankly, it was temporarily improving my outlook on life in this terrible world.

“What typically happens when one hunter is accidentally shot by another?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I answered. “Usually, no one faces prosecution.”

“Don’t you see?” he demanded. “As long as a hunter is wearing camouflage, his death can always be ruled an accident. We can always say, ‘Honestly, your honor, I never saw the bastard.'”

We?” I asked.

“Oh come on, Brensilver,” he snapped. “You’re never any fun.”

“I’ll leave the harvesting to you,” I said. “Just make sure you put a dashboard camera on your new combine.”

2 Comments

  1. Candace wrote:

    Go babe! Happy harvesting.

    Monday, November 10, 2014 at 6:44 pm | Permalink
  2. Matt Sanders wrote:

    Candace, you are a dumb ass as well.

    Tuesday, February 3, 2015 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

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