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Monday Maul: Internet Post Declares Halloween “National Kill a Pit Bull Night”

Vin Paneccasio

SOMEWHERE IN THE TERRESTRIAL UNITED STATES, ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT — A monster masquerading as a madman was found dead tonight, a discovery that has allowed federal law-enforcement officials to call off their investigation into who recently took to the Internet and declared October 31 “National Kill a Pit Bull Night.”

The deceased, whose identity has not been revealed, had posted the terrorist threat under the name Terry Jones.

“Pit bulls everywhere can relax a bit tonight,” a Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesperson said. “A terrorist is dead, nevermore to threaten pit bulls or any other breed.”

The deceased, according to the medical examiner on the scene, was “poisoned, stabbed multiple times, and bludgeoned to the point of overkill.”

Federal law-enforcement officials had been trying to identify the source of the terrorist threat since it was first posted on the Internet.

KMIR-TV, the Palm Desert, California-based NBC affiliate, reported on October 8 that “the posting first popped up on Tumblr and reads in part, ‘I’m here by announcing October 31st Kill a Pit Bull Day. After you take the kids trick or treating, keep your costume on, round up some friends and kill as many Pit Bulls as you can before midnight.’”

Language in the terrorist threat, a screen grab of which can be seen here, reads: “Baseball bats, knives, bricks and poisons (a hotdog soaked in radiator fluid works well) are all suitable tools.”

“What message does that kind of violent hate speech send our impressionable children?” the FBI spokesperson asked, rhetorically. “I shudder to think how animal-loving young people might have reacted to that language.”

Since the post was uploaded to the Internet under the name Terry Jones, a city official of the same name in Slater, Missouri, has been the subject of public scrutiny.

The Marshall Democrat-News, which serves that community, reported on September 19 that “Slater’s Jordan may have been incorrectly attributed to the post because of his work with developing a new animal ordinance for the city of Slater.”

A December 5, 2011, story in The Marshall Democrat-News explained that “Councilman Terry Jordan said he hoped the ordinance would automatically list pit bulls as vicious animals.”

In an e-mail to The Daily Maul, Maggie Menderski, a former staff writer at The Marshall Democrat-News who now works at the Quincy Herald-Whig in Quincy, Illinois, said, “There is a vicious animal component to the Slater animal ordinance. It was approved earlier this year. It is not breed specific. … Slater’s ordinance was heavily researched and plenty of opportunities were allowed for public comment. The ordinance was originally written as breed specific toward pit bulls, but was changed before it was approved.”

Aside from hundreds of candy wrappers that were found at the crime scene, federal law-enforcement officials said they have very few clues as to who might have killed the monster behind the terrorist threat.

Pit bulls don’t particularly care who’s responsible.

“Whoever tricked that evil psychopath into opening his front door gave us one hell of a treat,” one appreciative pit bull told The Daily Maul.

Monday Maul cartoons are created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio. Providing a fix for your schadenfreude jones, while spiritually rewarding, can be physically and emotionally exhausting. You can keep us alert and fairly lucid by keeping us caffeinated. And you can support our work by visiting the Shopping Maul and getting yourself some schadenfreude-fantasy you can wear.

9 Comments

  1. Phoebe wrote:

    My pit bull declares that every night is “kill a barbarian night.”

    Wednesday, October 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:

    Phoebe,

    I applaud and admire your pit bull.

    David

    Sunday, October 21, 2012 at 9:45 am | Permalink
  3. Needer wrote:

    Thank you for this creatively-written and update! Lets just hope those with the tendency for the sinister didn’t take this “prank” seriously (assuming that’s all it was).

    Friday, October 19, 2012 at 3:47 am | Permalink
  4. David Brensilver wrote:

    Needer,

    Unfortunately, we can’t assume that the savages among us have interpreted the “National Kill a Pit Bull Night” Internet post as anything other than a call to murder.

    David

    Sunday, October 21, 2012 at 9:44 am | Permalink
  5. Loly wrote:

    If it was a joke, it’s not funny. Good article, by the way.

    Friday, October 19, 2012 at 4:02 am | Permalink
  6. David Brensilver wrote:

    Loly,

    Thanks for the compliment. Whoever uploaded the “National Kill a Pit Bull Night” post to the Internet should not get to hide behind the claim that he was joking.

    David

    Sunday, October 21, 2012 at 9:39 am | Permalink
  7. Dan Flowers wrote:

    Why wait until Halloween? There are plenty running loose almost any time of the year…

    Thursday, October 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm | Permalink
  8. David Brensilver wrote:

    Dan,

    That’s exactly what Karma’s going to say when she decides it’s time to rid the planet of Homo sapiens.

    David

    Tuesday, November 13, 2012 at 11:02 am | Permalink
  9. ME wrote:

    You want a national kill a pit bull day really!!! well why don’t we have a national kill a piece of shit ignorant people day then???

    Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 3:14 am | Permalink

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