I’m hoping to convince a one-handed Florida ne’er–do–well to chop off his right hand and send it to me so I can skin it and use the flesh for a new wallet. The potential donor I’m referring to is Wallace Weatherholt, about whom I wrote in June after an alligator removed his left hand.
Weatherholt, as I indicated in a follow-up commentary in August, “was charged on July 27 with violating a state law that prohibits feeding alligators.”
He did so while working as an airboat captain for Captain Doug’s Everglades Tours.
For “baiting the alligator into a photo-op,” as I described his recklessness in June, Weatherholt got little more than a slap on the (other) wrist. WZVN-TV reported in November that “Weatherholt pled no contest … to the charges from FWC for illegally feeding an alligator. … The conditions of his plea are one year of probation, one year suspension of his captain’s license and a $500 fine.”
As I lamented in my June 14 commentary, “the alligator was put to death.”
In other words, Weatherholt got a time-out for being an asshole, and the alligator got executed for being an alligator (to borrow once more from my original piece.)
Weatherholt would probably challenge my suggestion that he got off easy. He’d probably whine about having one less hand than he did before all-but ensuring the alligator’s brutal death.
Still, if Weatherholt – who “declined to comment after the hearing” in November, as WZVN-TV reported – wants to plead his case to my unsympathetic ears, he’s welcome to pay for the privilege. My listening fee, for him, is his remaining hand and $500.
I’ll use some of the money to buy a sewing machine and carry the balance in my new Weatherholt-skin wallet.