In a recent interview with The Daily Maul, an angry hog from South Carolina complained bitterly about his species being indirectly blamed for the death of a hunter in that state.
According to a recent WHNS-TV (Greenville) news report, “Greenwood County deputies said a man in a deer stand shot and killed a fellow hunter, thinking he was a wild hog.”
“You’ve got to be a goddamned ignoramus to mistake a member of the drooling class for one of us,” the pissed-off hog told The Daily Maul.
At issue, the hog said, is “the insulting claim of mistaken identity.”
“First of all,” he said, lighting a cigarette and pouring himself a healthy measure of bourbon, “a hog walks on all fours, whereas a subhuman is a semi-biped whose knuckles drag along the ground during locomotion.”
The hog continued, explaining that “a hog has tusks that increase in size throughout his lifetime, whereas a subhuman loses what few teeth he has by the time he reaches adulthood,” and that “hogs’ eyes have the appropriate amount of space between them, unlike those of subhumans, which are set way too close together.”
Asked if he thought it was possible that the shooter referenced in the WHNS-TV story could have a case of cretinism so severe that he simply can’t tell one species from another, the hog lit another cigarette, poured another glass of bourbon, and shrugged his shoulders.
“If that were the case, wouldn’t subhumans be perpetually hunting one another?” he asked, before remembering that the severity of a subhuman’s cretinism depends on how many generations his family has been inbreeding.
Soon thereafter, the alcohol started doing its job, and the hog began to calm down a bit.
“I’m constantly having to remind myself to see the upside of things,” he said, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “I mean, at least one member of the drooling class is dead, right?”
Lifting his glass, the hog offered a toast.
“To more dead hunters,” he said. “May their ugly carcasses litter the earth.”