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Monday Maul: Alligator Bites Off Florida Woman’s Arm

Vin Paneccasio

LAKE COUNTY, FLORIDA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – An unrepentant alligator named David says he was “standing his ground” when he bit off a Leesburg woman’s arm. Eighty-four-year-old Carol Hough was attacked on September 26 in a canal in the Cypress Creek Mobile Home Park where she lives. Trigger-happy wildlife authorities immediately executed another suspect, despite having no evidence that he was involved in the attack.

The Orlando Sentinel reported that “no one knows why Hough was in the water or how long she had been in there” and that “it’s not known what prompted the attack.”

Despite those unanswered questions, the Orlando Sentinel reported, “state wildlife officials trapped and killed the alligator suspected of biting off Hough’s right arm.”

David – who surrendered voluntarily to law-enforcement authorities “to honor the memory of the slain alligator” – lashed out at prosecutors who he said are “shamefully defending the kind of arrogant vigilantism that killed Trayvon Martin.”

David, who is representing himself, read aloud the following passage from the above-mentioned Orlando Sentinel report: “Although a necropsy found no human body parts in the gator’s stomach, (Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesperson Lt. Joy) Hill said wildlife officials are comfortable it was the gator that bit Hough based on reports of its size, but that ‘it is impossible to say with 100 percent certainty.’”

“What is possible ‘to say with 100 percent certainty,’” David told the judge, “is that an innocent alligator suffered a brutal death at the hands of murderous cowboys. Would that I could have stood my ground and torn those bloodthirsty savages limb from fucking limb.”

David is claiming self-defense under Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, applicable language of which states that “a person who is not engaged in an unlawful activity and who is attacked … has no duty to retreat and has the right to stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary to do so to prevent death or great bodily harm.”

I bit off that unlucky octogenarian’s arm, and I had every right to do so,” David told the judge, who condescendingly responded, “You are not a person. You are an animal.”

“Is George Zimmerman not an animal?” David asked the judge, rhetorically. “Are the bloodthirsty savages who brutally executed a completely innocent alligator not animals?”

Monday Maul cartoons are created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio. Providing a fix for your schadenfreude jones, while spiritually rewarding, can be physically and emotionally exhausting. You can keep us alert and fairly lucid by keeping us caffeinated. And you can support our work by visiting the Shopping Maul and getting yourself some schadenfreude-fantasy you can wear.

2 Comments

  1. Dan Flowers wrote:

    OMG, such wit… I can’t take it!

    Thursday, October 25, 2012 at 9:35 pm | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:

    Dan,

    Perhaps you should stop reading my commentaries. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

    David

    Tuesday, November 13, 2012 at 11:09 am | Permalink

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