SOMEWHERE IN HIDALGO, COUNTY, TEXAS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State and federal law-enforcement officers have launched a nationwide manhunt for an animal-rights activist they suspect helped organize a Hidalgo, County, Texas, cockfight that ended in the brutal slaughter of more than 200 spectators.
Police dispatchers late last night received numerous telephone calls from cockfight-goers begging to be saved from the wrath of vengeful roosters hell-bent on tearing to pieces every man, woman, and child in attendance. By the time police arrived on the scene, it was too late. There were no human survivors.
“It was like Lizzy Borden meets Jonestown,” one tearful police officer said, turning away from The Daily Maul’s reporter to vomit.
“We have reason to believe that a gentleman named Monty Gelstein is somehow involved in this unthinkable tragedy,” Sgt. Michael Guschtrecht, a spokesman from the Hidalgo County Sheriff’s Office, said. “Officers found the initials M.G. carved into body parts.”
Local, state, and federal officials believe last night’s massacre was perpetrated in response to an incident last week here in Hidalgo County in which “masked gunmen ambushed a cockfight near La Blanca early Thursday morning,” as The Monitor (McAllen, Texas) reported. According to the Associated Press, the shooting resulted in “about 20 dead roosters.” (Three humans were also killed, and eight were injured, for those keeping score.)
“From what I’ve been told, it would be just like this Gelstein fellow to launch a retaliatory — and at the same time preemptive — war against those who force animals to fight to their deaths,” Sgt. Guschtrecht said.
A state medical examiner told The Daily Maul that “the dead and dismembered spectators stood no chance” against birds he said “might as well have been psychopathic, steroid-using pterosaurs with switchblades.”
Law-enforcement officials on the scene collected several smartphones and handheld video cameras hoping to find clues to how and why the massacre was organized.
An FBI agent who spoke to The Daily Maul on condition of anonymity said he’s been after Monty Gelstein for months.
“His fingerprints are all over this bloodbath,” the agent said. “Anyone in Hidalgo County with ties to organized cockfighting is in serious and imminent danger right now. Unless, of course, you’re a rooster.”
The agent urged anyone with information about Gelstein’s possible whereabouts to call the nearest FBI office.
The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.