WYOMING, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — Hundreds of hunters are dead this morning after wolves launched a preemptive strike on their would-be human attackers.
“We’re taking the fight to the terrorists who want to destroy our way of life,” a gray wolf named David told The Daily Maul.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declared a War on Wolves in an August 31 press release, which announced that “the Wyoming population of gray wolves is recovered and no longer warrants protection under the Endangered Species Act (ESA). Beginning September 30th, wolves in Wyoming will be managed by the state under an approved management plan.”
“‘Managed’ is a euphemism for ‘slaughtered,’” David pointed out.
An August 31 news release issued by the Wyoming Game and Fish Department indicates that “at the end of December 2011, there were an estimated 328 wolves in Wyoming, including 48 packs and 27 breeding pairs. This included 224 wolves, 36 packs, and 19 breeding pairs outside Yellowstone National Park. Under state management, wolves in Wyoming are managed under a dual classification system. Wolves in northwest Wyoming are designated and managed as Trophy Game Animals. Wolves in the rest of Wyoming are designated as Predatory Animals.”
In an addendum to its Wyoming Gray Wolf Management Plan, the Wyoming Game and Fish Department explains that “Wyoming Statutes and the Wyoming Gray Wolf Management Plan direct the Department to manage the wolf population to reasonably ensure at least 10 breeding pairs of wolves and at least 100 individual wolves are located in Wyoming outside of (Yellowstone National Park) and the (Wind River Reservation) at the end of the current calendar year.”
Gray wolves in Wyoming launched their preemptive strike from “green zones” identified in plans for the War on Wolves. These include areas within Yellowstone National Park, Grand Teton National Park, the Wind River Reservation, National Elk Refuge, and John D. Rockefeller Jr. Memorial Parkway.
“With the evildoers’ War on Wolves scheduled to begin on October 1,” David said, “we knew they wouldn’t see us coming. And they didn’t. Our preemptive strike has resulted in an impressive human body count.”
The wolves’ predawn assault on unsuspecting Wyoming hunters went off without a hitch.
David told The Daily Maul that “the human evildoers are incredibly predictable. We know exactly how the vengeful monsters are going to react at this point, and they will do so at their peril. No amount of camouflage will protect the barbarians. We will hear their knuckles dragging, we will follow the trails of drool, and we will rip out the bastards’ throats.”
Until today, wolves had advocated the peaceful coexistence of all species.
“We have always been willing to share these lands with humans, and we’ve always resisted the urge to retaliate against their savage persecution of our species,” David said. “In the face, though, of this War on Wolves, we have no choice but to stand our ground. And in these past few hours, we have learned to love the smell of dead hunters in the morning. It smells like … karma.”
Monday Maul cartoons are created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio. Providing a fix for your schadenfreude jones, while spiritually rewarding, can be physically and emotionally exhausting. You can keep us alert and fairly lucid by keeping us caffeinated. And you can support our work by visiting the Shopping Maul and getting yourself some schadenfreude-fantasy you can wear.