Skip to content

Monday Maul: Fishermen Slaughtered by Dolphins in Taiji Cove

Vin Paneccasio

TAIJI, WAKAYAMA, JAPAN, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — “So red were the blood-rich waters of Taiji’s infamous cove,” one strangely delighted American tourist said, “that it must have looked from the moon like an open cold sore on Japan’s lip.”

For Taiji’s mayor, Kazutaka Sangen, the opening today of what a May 2012 Agence France-Presse report in the Herald Sun (Australia) described as “a marine mammal park where visitors can swim … alongside small whales and dolphins” was supposed to be a joyous occasion.

Members of the Taiji Fishermen’s Union were invited to be among the first people to swim with their future murder victims in Taiji’s infamous cove — “the scene,” as pointed out in the Agence France-Presse report, “of an annual slaughter when the fishermen of Taiji corral dolphins, select a few dozen for sale to aquariums and marine parks, and stab the rest to death for meat, turning the sea red with blood.”

No sooner did the fishermen plunge into the cove’s placid waters than a pod of dolphins — in a brave act of self-defense — slaughtered the unsuspecting fishermen with brutal efficiency.

“It was the most powerful and satisfying dose of schadenfreude I’ve ever had the pleasure to enjoy,” the American tourist, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “Still, to watch the waters turn from blue to red as the defenseless fishermen’s lifeblood spilled into the cove was to be reminded that the reach of man’s murderous arrogance extends far beyond the horizon and beyond the light of the rising sun.”

With area residents and animal-rights activists gathered at the cove for the opening of the “marine mammal park,” the streets of Taiji had been relatively quiet until a chorus of sirens erupted from all around the town in what the unidentified American tourist said “seemed like the score to which today’s beautiful blood-ballet was set.”

Simultaneously, as if part of the choreography, reporters on the scene — some of whom were vomiting uncontrollably into the cove’s blood-rich waters — began looking at their smartphones. The Internet itself seemed to have been cast in what was clearly the most important public service performed in Taiji since the filming of The Cove.

Around the world, people staring at news-aggregating websites were presented with headlines that collectively told a brilliantly conceived story: “Fishermen Slaughtered by Dolphins in Taiji Cove,” “Taiji Banks Robbed,” “Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, Earth Island Institute Receive Massive Donations.”

Local law-enforcement officials descended on the cove looking for a man they described as “an American tourist who was last seen standing knee-deep in the cove, smoking a Cuban cigar and wearing aviator-style Ray-Ban sunglasses and a white T-shirt with black lettering that read The Daily Maul.”

Taiji police believe an unbalanced American animal-rights activist named Monty Gelstein conspired with the dolphins “to rob us of our fishermen and our yen, our dignity and our way of life.”

“They have spilled our blood, and they have taken our treasure,” Taiji’s mayor, Kazutaka Sangen, said.

The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.

10 Comments

  1. Nikki Botha wrote:

    BRILLIANT!!!!!!! :)))) Having been to the cove as a Cove Guardian, I can seriously appreciate this article! :)

    Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 2:43 am | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:

    Nikki,

    I admire and appreciate your activism.

    David

    Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm | Permalink
  3. Naomi wrote:

    Any chance of using this pic on t-shirts! I already have an army of people who would buy them!

    Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 12:03 am | Permalink
  4. David Brensilver wrote:

    Naomi,

    I’ve sent you an e-mail.

    David

    Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm | Permalink
  5. Bart Hoppenbrouwers wrote:

    A great article David,animal activists can relate to this,it ‘s great to see the tables turned for a change! :-)

    Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 5:13 am | Permalink
  6. David Brensilver wrote:

    Bart,

    I find that a little schadenfreude-fantasy makes our all-too-depressing reality just a bit more bearable. Thanks for all you do to help make the world a better place.

    David

    Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 10:41 am | Permalink
  7. Cali Cheshelski wrote:

    Brilliant! Maybe if we do a event for all of us to pray like hell, all at the same time thinking the same thing,we can wish this to happen. It’s worth a try. Love this ! Wish it were true.

    Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm | Permalink
  8. Marilyn Melville wrote:

    Curiously satisfying! Thanks.

    Monday, June 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm | Permalink
  9. David Brensilver wrote:

    Cali,

    I wish each and every day for things like this to happen. Perhaps if we wish in great numbers those in charge of the karmic balance will grant our entirely reasonable request.

    David

    Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm | Permalink
  10. David Brensilver wrote:

    Marilyn,

    Someday, I will use “curiously satisfying” as the tagline for a Daily Maul-themed candy bar!

    David

    Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *
*
*