SOMEWHERE IN HOLLYWOOD, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — Even the paparazzi lining the red carpet at a launch event for Kim Kardashian’s new shampoo line were horrified when the reality TV star was fatally mauled on Monday by the fox stole she was wearing.
“I thought maybe some lunatic animal-rights activist might try to flour-bomb her again — especially with this being the launch of Kim’s new shampoo line — but I never expected this kind of savagery,” one celebrity photographer, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Daily Maul.
The reality TV star — or whatever accomplishment made her worthy of seemingly nonstop media attention — was the target in March of what has been widely described as a “flour bomb” attack.
As Jen Chaney wrote on her Washington Post blog Celebritology, “Kardashian was celebrating the launch of her new perfume True Reflection at an event to benefit the charity Dress for Success. … a woman walked up to Kardashian, yelled what sounded like ‘lousy fur hag’ and ‘flour bombed’ the reality star. … Kardashian has been photographed wearing fur at public events many times.”
That incident pitted the 31-year-old national embarrassment and members of her family against People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, whose special projects manager, Michelle Cho, is the sister of the alleged “flour bomber,” Christina Cho.
During an interview on NBC’s Today show, Ann Curry asked Kardashian “about this woman from PETA who threw this flour at you … What do you think her punishment should be?”
Kardashian, responding in what resembled the English language, told Curry, “It’s just a little odd to me that their whole message is nonviolence towards animals, yet they are being violent towards humans. I don’t think that assaulting someone is appropriate at all.”
“Has it changed your mind about whether you want to wear fur?” Curry asked.
“We cautiously do not carry fur in our Dash stores anymore,” Kardashian said. “I don’t carry real fur in our clothing lines — for my QVC line and my Sears line. My personal opinion and my personal choice: I believe everyone has the choice of what they want, and that’s my personal opinion. It’s not illegal to buy fur. I have vintage furs that were my great-grandmother’s that mean the world to me with her initials inscribed in them, and I, you know, I won’t get rid of that memory of my great-grandparents. So, I think it’s a personal choice, but I don’t think it’s OK to assault anybody.”
The fox who fatally mauled Kardashian in Los Angeles on Monday spoke to reporters about what he called “a necessary act of self-preservation.”
“Listen up, you brainwashed, bottom-feeding sycophants,” the fox said. “You know what I don’t think is appropriate? The violence that’s visited upon me and my friends and relatives so that materialistic narcissists like the late Ms. Kardashian can wear us.”
“Did PETA put you up to this?” the above-mentioned, unidentified photographer asked the fox. “Do you know Christina Cho — or Michelle Cho?”
“Kim Kardashian put me up to this, you half-wit,” the fox answered, lighting a cigarette. “I was defending myself.”
Police on the scene told The Daily Maul that the fox cited a new California “Stand Your Ground” law, which was adapted from a controversial Florida statute, and that they gave the fox the benefit of the doubt after he said he felt his life would be in imminent danger as long as the “fur hag” was around.
“Understand this, you useless motherfuckers,” the fox told reporters on Monday, pointing his cigarette threateningly in their direction, “this isn’t about PETA, or Christina Cho, or Michelle Cho, or Khloe Kardashian, or Robert Kardashian, or O.J. Simpson, or Bruce Jenner. While you window-lickers have been enjoying the ratings-generating soap opera brought to you by Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Christina Cho’s flour power, I’ve been wondering who among my friends and family will be the next to be brutally tortured and murdered for the fashion industry.”
“Do you think celebrities will think twice now about wearing fur?” asked a blond-haired, fauxhawk-sporting, spray-tanned entertainment reporter whose eyes were too close together.
“I think it’s going to be a very long time before the drooling class willingly disposes of its callous and arrogant inhumanity,” the fox said.
The Monday Maul cartoon was created for The Daily Maul by New York-based artist Vin Paneccasio.