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Monsters at Copenhagen Zoo Inspire Plan for Human Zoo

Photo by Tottelme

Photo by Tottelme

I’m looking into the possibility of opening a human zoo in Copenhagen. The legalities of the thing will no doubt present some challenges, but I think I’ve found a way to make it work — and to make some real money.

To be fair, my good friend Monty Gelstein is the one who suggested calling the facility a privately operated prison, and not what some folks would call an ethnological exposition.

The private-prison industry is a growing one here in the United States, which means there’s plenty of room for international expansion. Mine won’t be a prison for people who’ve broken laws enacted by humans. It’ll be a dark and terrible place that houses and exhibits human monsters who’ve trampled on morality — monsters like Bengt Holst, the Copenhagen Zoo’s scientific director, who last month ordered the brutal execution of a perfectly healthy 18-month-old giraffe named Marius.

Holst is all-but begging to be locked up in my human prison. On Tuesday, Agence France-Presse reported in an article published by The Guardian that officials at the Copenhagen Zoo have “killed two lions and their two cubs to make way for a new male.”

Unlike Marius, whose lifeless body was butchered and fed to lions in full view of zoo visitors, the carcasses of the slaughtered lions were not carved up in front of a ghoulish crowd.

A callous zoo spokesperson made that point clear, telling Agence France-Presse that “not all our animals are dissected in front of an audience.”

Well, I can promise that all prisoners who are euthanized at my human zoo to make room for newly arriving inmates (and they’ll all be euthanized sooner or later) will not only be butchered in front of an audience, they’ll be carved up by zoo visitors.

I’m fairly certain that such executions and dissections will take place on a daily basis. The facility I’ve got my eyes on is a rather small one that can only house a modest number of inmates, so I’ll have to rotate them in and out (and by out I mean off the face of this godforsaken planet) on a regular basis in order to exhibit all the monsters who deserve that treatment. And, naturally, I want to display the prisoners properly.

Psychopaths like Holst, for example, will be kept in filthy cages, while officials from prisons like those that SeaWorld operates will be forced to tread water in small, dirty pools until they drown — at which point they’ll be filleted by zoo visitors and fed to Holst and the other inmates.

Because Copenhagen is a long way for most people to travel, I’m planning to install a webcam system that will allow folks from all over the world to gawk at my human prisoners and watch when one or another has a bolt put through his head.


  1. catherine podojil wrote:

    I love it. Can we send in suggestions for inmates?

    Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 1:18 pm | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:


    Let’s start with Bengt Holst and the zoo spokesperson who said, “Not all our animals are dissected in front of an audience.”

    I’ll welcome your inmate suggestions.


    Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 2:16 pm | Permalink
  3. catherine podojil wrote:

    And excuse me, but “Not all our animals are dissected in front of an audience.” Is that a statement actually made by one of Copenhagen’s finest, or is it from the Onion?

    Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm | Permalink
  4. David Brensilver wrote:


    A Copenhagen Zoo spokesperson actually made that comment.


    Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

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