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Tiger Escapes Circus, Surprises Woman in Bathroom

Photo by Jean Housen

Photo by Jean Housen

A Kansas woman trying to enjoy some wholesome family entertainment recently found herself face to face with an escaped slave. No sooner had Jenna Krehbiel entered a restroom at the Salina Bicentennial Center than she “got a close-up view” of the slave “she had just seen perform in the arena,” according to a report in The Salina Journal.

Another woman, who entered the restroom at the same time, was equally shocked, telling The Daily Maul that she’d assumed “the slaves had their own bathrooms.”

“It didn’t dawn on me that I was in the presence of an escaped slave,” the woman told The Daily Maul on condition of anonymity. “I just thought the savage beast had forgotten its place. Only later did I realize that the slave wasn’t wearing any shackles.”

Krehbiel was quoted in The Salina Journal story as saying she’d never been in such close proximity to a slave who was “not in a cage” and that in the future she’ll only attend slave shows “where I know they won’t get loose.”

Murder is Meat: Egyptian Butcher Slaughters Wife, Sells Flesh

Photo by Ferdinand Reus

Photo by Ferdinand Reus

Citing information from the Arabian News Agency, Emirates247.com reported last year that “an Egyptian butcher blindly in love with his profession slaughtered his wife and sold her flesh in his shop.”

That lede from the Emirates247.com story is a bit misleading. The crime had less to do with the monster’s career infatuation than it did with his violent temper. In other words, the psychopath merely used his trade in an unsuccessful attempt to cover up the murder by passing off his late wife’s flesh as lamb meat.

This is where I turn my attention from the domestic-violence aspect of this story to focus on the arrogant notion that brutally slaughtering a lamb and selling the creature’s body parts to someone who has a taste for animal flesh is perfectly acceptable.

In February, The Guardian published a comprehensive article about the so-called “horsemeat scandal” that recently freaked out a lot of folks on both sides of the Atlantic.

In the first part of her report for The Guardian, Felicity Lawrence explained that “the Food Safety Authority of Ireland tested a range of cheap frozen beefburgers and ready meals from supermarkets last November for the presence of DNA from other species which were undeclared. It found horse DNA in over one-third of the beefburger samples, and pig in 85% of them.”

While it came as no surprise that consumers were repulsed by the presence of horse flesh in their cow meat, their complaints sounded to me like a lot of morally obtuse whining.

Earlier this month, The New York Times reported that “police had caught a gang of traders in eastern China who bought rat, fox and mink flesh and sold it as mutton.”

And while The New York Times’ story focused on food-safety concerns in China, it struck me as little more than an exposé of false advertising in that country’s meat industry.

Those who’d be outraged to learn that what they thought was cow or lamb was actually horse, rat, or human can bitch all they want. My sympathy is reserved for the animals who’ll soon be led onto the killing floor.

Bones of Poacher Trampled by Elephant in Demand in China

Photo by Stuart Bassil

Photo by Stuart Bassil

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call “Jim,” told me over dinner recently that he was analyzing the “demand for dead poachers’ bones” in the Chinese marketplace.

We’d been wondering — over plates of vegan lasagna and bottomless glasses of whiskey — why it isn’t more common for people to stuff and display their deceased loved ones, when Jim asked what I thought about a business venture he was considering.

“If there’s a market for ivory among China’s wealthy assholes,” he speculated, “there’s got to be a demand in that country’s anti-poaching community for dead poachers’ bones.”

While Jim admitted that “there might be some legal issues to deal with in terms of slaughtering poachers and having their bones mailed to China,” he didn’t let those details darken his optimistic, can-do attitude.

No sooner had Jim flown to Shanghai to explore his options than a story in The Daily Telegraph (London) indicated that “a suspected poacher has reportedly been trampled to death by an elephant as he tried to shoot the beast in Zimbabwe. The bloodied remains of Solomon Manjoro were found by rangers after what was thought to be a botched poaching trip.”

Another friend of mine, whom we’ll call “Joe,” linked to the news story from his Facebook page.

Naturally, I added the following comment and question to Joe’s post: “I was thrilled to learn of Mr. Manjoro’s death. Are there photographs of his lifeless corpse?”

I wish,” he responded. “I’d probably make it my next tattoo.”

“I think you’re onto something, Joe,” I told him. “You could be a trendsetter.”

That’s when Jim called from Shanghai.

“I assume you’ve heard the good news?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just wish there were photographs of the bastard’s loathsome carcass,” I said.

“Forget about photographs,” Jim insisted. “We’ve got to get our hands on that scumbag’s remains.”

“We?” I asked.

Jim ignored that detail and told me to “get in touch with your people in Zimbabwe and have the carcass sent to my hotel in Shanghai.”

“My people?”

“Don’t you know somebody who can steal the body and mail it to me?”

I flipped through my Rolodex.

“I’ll tell you what,” Jim said. “I don’t actually need the whole carcass. If you can have the femurs, ribs, and skull delivered to me at the Holiday Inn, here in Shanghai, we’ll be in business.”

“Where, exactly, do you plan to sell these things?” I asked.

“At the goddamned Holiday Inn,” Jim said, as if answering a ridiculous question.

“I suppose you already have buyers lined up?”

“Better than that,” he said. “I’ve got investors who want to put poachers out of business by creating a massive demand for their bones.”

“That makes sense,” I said. “To make this work, though, we’re going to need suppliers in Africa.”

“I knew this would interest you, David,” Jim exclaimed enthusiastically. “All you have to do now is have your people in Zimbabwe and South Africa kill all the poachers they can and send me the savages’ bones.”

“I don’t have any people in Zimbabwe or South Africa — or anywhere else, for that matter,” I told him with growing disappointment.

“Well how the hell are we going to sell dead poachers’ bones to the Chinese anti-poaching community if we don’t have anyone to supply them?”

It was an important detail, even to Jim.

“I’ll put an ad on Craig’s List,” I told him, “something along the lines of: ‘Seeking Veterans/Ex-Military Types for Commission-Based Business Opportunity — Must Love Animals.'”

“That’s perfect,” he agreed. “Good thinking, David. First things first, though: Get me Solomon Manjoro’s bones. I’ve got a bidding war going on here.”

“Vanquishing of Savages” Claiming Lives of Spanish Hunters

Photo by Marieke Kuijpers

Photo by Marieke Kuijpers

Law-enforcement officials in Spain say they’re unable to control “what appears to be a well-organized and deadly campaign of vengeance against the country’s pig-hunting enthusiasts.” And they’re blaming lawmakers for “putting a target on every sportsman’s back.”

The bloodletting began in April, after NPR reported that “an ancient hunting ritual is making a comeback in modern Spain: the practice of hunting wild boar on horseback with spears — and no guns. The sport dates to Roman times, and was recently approved and added to Spanish hunting regulations.”

No sooner had the NPR story aired than the severed heads of “pigsticking” hunters began appearing on stakes along the streets of Madrid.

“Each head has had the word ‘pigsticker’ carved into it,” a police spokesman told The Daily Maul, “and in each mouth we’ve found a business card boasting nothing but the words ‘Badass Band of Brutes.'”

Law-enforcement officials say that a “deranged American animal-rights activist named Monty Gelstein is behind these ruthless murders,” although they admit to having “no idea where he is.”

Gelstein and his Badass Band of Brutes made news in April 2012 when they traveled to Newfoundland, Canada, to stop that year’s seal slaughter, only to find — to their delight — that the seals had successfully defended themselves in what Gelstein described at the time as “a breathtaking blood-ballet whose choreography was like a cross between Nijinsky and SEAL Team 6.”

According to a January 2013 report in The Daily Maul, Gelstein’s Badass Band of Brutes claimed responsibility for the “brutal enslavement, exploitation, torture, and murder of two men who publicly abused a tiger in Qinhuangdao (China).”

In that case, The Daily Maul explained, “police in Chengde found the words ‘Badass Band of Brutes’ carved into the torsos of the deceased tiger abusers.”

Police in Spain say that each hunter whose severed head has been displayed on a stake in downtown Madrid had previously been reported missing.

“We suspect that hunters are venturing quite far from home in search of a boar to kill, and that they’re being murdered before finding their quarry,” the police spokesman said. “And we have reason to believe that Gelstein’s Badass Band of Brutes relocated the country’s entire boar population to a well-defended location and is feeding the animals the slain hunters’ headless remains.”

While they’re urging hunters in Spain to think twice before taking up “pigsticking,” law-enforcement officials in that country are also warning their counterparts in other parts of the world that “Gelstein’s Badass Band of Brutes will undoubtedly be coming for the pigstickers who call your countries home.”

The police spokesman pointed out that the above-cited NPR report “included a link to a website maintained by The Pigsticking Club,” and that “the website has a page dedicated to ‘Global Pigsticking.'”

In response to what NPR dubbed a “Renaissance For ‘Pigsticking’ In Spain,” animal-rights advocates in that country and around the world are openly celebrating the Badass Band of Brutes’ assassination campaign, calling it a “Vanquishing of Savages.”

One enthused animal-rights advocate, who traveled to Madrid from the United States to take photographs of the publicly displayed severed heads, told The Daily Maul that “the only thing more beautiful than a pigsticker’s head on a stake would be a video of the bastard being decapitated.”

Police on the scene quickly chased the tourist from the area, shouting, with great frustration, “Don’t give Gelstein and his Badass Band of Brutes any more goddamned ideas!”

Keep Guantanamo Open for Animal Abusers

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Before we become too divided over whether or not to close the detention center at Guantanamo Bay, let’s understand that we’re asking the wrong question. What we need to be thinking about is utilizing the military prison facility to indefinitely house those who’ve terrorized and murdered species other than our own. I’m referring, for example, to the subhuman monsters who participate in dogfighting.

In her voice-over for the WPLG (the Miami-based ABC affiliate) news video provided above, reporter Sasha Andrade says, “A good Samaritan called animal services … to report a crime. She says a pet owner … repetitively threw dogs in a trunk and let them fight to death. It’s called ‘trunking,’ and unfortunately it’s becoming a trend in the underground dogfighting community.”

Call me a cynic, but I think I’ve found a way to bring together the bureaucrats who can’t agree on what to do about the detainees who’ve been held at Guantanamo Bay, or about what to do with the facility itself. The answer is: Turn the place into a prison for animal abusers.

I also think we could settle our differences over the use of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” “extraordinary rendition,” and “black sites,” if we would turn our punitive focus to those who terrorize and murder other species for spiritual reward.

I have no doubt that such detainees could be convinced — with the help of dogs, for example — to give up information about domestic, animal-targeting terror cells whose intended victims deserve the protection of an aggressive War on Terrorism Against Nonhuman Species.

Congressman Introduces “Recreational Fishing and Hunting Heritage and Opportunities Act”

Rep. Dan Benishek

Rep. Dan Benishek

Rep. Dan Benishek of Michigan has introduced a foul piece of legislation that would “direct Federal public land management officials to exercise their authority under existing law to facilitate use of and access to Federal public lands for fishing, sport hunting, and recreational shooting.” What follows is an open letter to Rep. Benishek.

Rep. Benishek,

It’s difficult to tell from the text of the proposed “Recreational Fishing and Hunting Heritage and Opportunities Act” where your cretinism ends and your arrogance begins. While some people believe that these are distinct diseases with hardly discernible symptoms, I’ve been assured by the Center for Fewer Humans’ research director, Marcus Aurelius Armitage, that cretinism and arrogance are really just different stages of the same affliction.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I’m writing to ask that you grow some stones and replace the tired euphemisms that litter HR 1825 with more accurate language.

As I’ve pointed out before, “‘wildlife management’ is a rather uninspired euphemism for ‘sanctioned slaughter.'” Instead of asserting in your proposed legislation that “recreational anglers and hunters have been and continue to be among the foremost supporters of sound fish and wildlife management and conservation in the United States,” why not admit — with that chest-thumping bravado you and your knuckle-dragging ilk like to display — that “recreational anglers and hunters have been and continue to be the most merciless serial killers our nation’s wildlife have ever had to fear”?

When you say that “recreational fishing and hunting are environmentally acceptable and beneficial activities that occur and can be provided on Federal public lands and waters without adverse effects on other uses or users,” you simply betray the cretinism we talked about earlier. You’ve got to specify — so as not to look like the ignoramus that you are — that those murderous “activities” don’t have “adverse effects” on the American drooling class.

And when you worry that “opportunities to … fish, hunt, and shoot are declining,” you might want to look out your Cannon House Office Building window, and then into a mirror, and wrap your puny mind around the differences between the drooling class and those members of our species who’ve crawled out of the primordial ooze and evolved.

Do you understand what I’m getting at here, Dan? If not, ask one of the staffers who’s dedicated his or her career to holding your slimy, prehuman hand.

Wishing you all the worst,

David

Florida Woman Trampled by Bull on “Cracker Day”

Photo by Bart Slingerland

Photo by Bart Slingerland

Get yourself a video clip of a stateside Marine rushing to the aid of a fallen civilian and you’ve got a story about selflessness. At least that’s what many nonthinking journalists believe.

Case in point: A video provided to CNN by the Orlando, Florida-based CBS affiliate WKMG-TV boasts the headline “A woman in Florida was trampled by a bull during a ‘money grab’ game at a rodeo event.”

In the video, John Weideman-Beal tells a reporter that while he was helping Desiree Cicero, who’d been knocked ass over teakettle by a pissed-off bull, the creature “got me in the head, right in the temple. That should have killed me, and it’s an act of god that it didn’t.”

Upon learning from the reporter of Cicero’s gratitude, Weideman-Beal tells the convalescing woman, via his interviewer, “Better you be living and me in a little bit of pain than anything else that could’ve happened.”

The truth is, none of it had to happen. It did thanks to the Volusia County Cattlemen’s Association, which organized the “64th Annual Cracker Day” event, according to its website.

On “Cracker Day,” apparently, members of Florida’s drooling class gather at what’s more commonly known as a “rodeo” and take turns abusing *other species.

On April 27, in Deland, Florida, Cicero was attempting to remove a ribbon from an unamused bull’s horn when she was deservedly put in her place — that is, facedown in the dirt. While she’d hoped for a cash prize — which I think we can fairly assume she’d have spent on moonshine and crystal methamphetamine — Cicero got nothing for her trouble but a handful of relatively minor injuries.

The sympathy I have is for the creatures who are tortured for the amusement of the drooling class.

Had Weideman-Beal wanted to play the hero on “Cracker Day,” he’d have liberated the real victims of this sanctioned sadism from their brutal enslavement.

And if those who insultingly framed this incident as a story of selflessness had looked into those tortured creatures’ eyes instead of Cicero’s and Weideman-Beal’s, they’d have written about our species’ shameful and revolting selfishness.

* In this context, “other species” refers to those that are neither human nor members of the human drooling-class subspecies.

Bloody Semantics: Poland Debates Humane vs. Ritual Slaughter

Photo by Yofial

Photo by Yofial

If one wants to take a measure of just how arrogant mankind can be, he or she has to look no further than the government officials in Poland who for nearly six months have been giving themselves whiplash trying to figure out which executioners should feign compassion and which should be permitted to luxuriate in their barbarism.

In November 2012, the country’s Constitutional Tribunal, which adjudicates legislative disputes, declared so-called “ritual slaughter” unconstitutional and banned the savage practice as of December 31, 2012.

Thenews.pl reported on November 28, 2012, that “the Attorney General argued that a 2004 amendment, allowing ritual slaughter on religious grounds, was unconstitutional in that it contravenes animal rights legislation dating back to 1997, which only allows slaughter ‘following the loss of consciousness’ after the farm animal has been stunned.”

On December 13, 2012, thenews.pl reported that “Polish coalition MPs have prepared legislation that will ensure that ritual animal slaughter continues in Poland, but are awaiting a decision from the prime minister.”

And on April 24 of this year, thenews.pl reported that “Poland’s government has approved draft legislation that would reinstate the slaughter of livestock according to the customs of Jewish and Muslim minorities.” 

Opponents of the proposed legislation have argued that ritual slaughter is “cruel,” while those who are determined to ensure the legality of the practice have cited religious and economic interests.

At issue — as far as the government officials in Poland are concerned — is whether certain segments of the country’s population should be exempt from practicing so-called “humane slaughter.”

As I pointed out in an August 24, 2012, commentary, “humane slaughter is as insulting a phrase as there is, one that Hitler might have directed Joseph Goebbels to include in Nazi Party press releases.”

What’s particularly insulting about the notion of “humane slaughter” is that it was conceived for us and not for the animals who wait to be led onto the killing floor. It is the terminology and methodology we use to feel better about participating in a largely unchallenged holocaust, as if “stunning” a terrified animal before cutting the creature’s throat makes us less monstrous.

Taxidermy Planned After Turkey Hunter is Attacked by Bobcat

Photo by Gary Kramer/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Photo by Gary Kramer/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Somewhere in an alternate universe, a prideful bobcat named David is looking forward to displaying in his den the stuffed carcass of a once-bloodthirsty human.

“I was out getting lunch when I smelled the foul stench of an interloping human,” David said during a telephone conversation with The Daily Maul. “Then I saw the monster, dressed like a tree and wheezing into a stupid hand-held appliance that he seemed to believe would bring a turkey into his crosshairs. Well, I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

The “monster,” who’s since been identified as 44-year-old Kentucky knuckle-dragger Bud Griffith, never saw David approach.

“I pounced on the bastard’s shoulder and clawed out his wide, surprised eyes — which had been set disturbingly close together as a result of unchecked multigenerational inbreeding,” David said. “Then I waited rather impatiently as he discharged his lead-filled phallus in a desperate attempt to put down his unseen assailant. And when he went to reload, I opened his jugular and watched the mouth-breather bleed out.”

A Neanderthal-management official who arrived on the scene shortly thereafter told David that Griffith’s nasty remains would have to be checked for signs of reverse-zoonotic diseases typically found in the human drooling class.

“If such a disease is present, we’ll incinerate the remains,” the Neanderthal-management official said. “If no disease is found, David will be permitted to take possession of the carcass and do with it what he chooses.”

David told The Daily Maul that his plans would be to “stuff Griffith’s lifeless corpse and add it to my growing trophy collection.”

“It’ll make a terrific conversation piece,” David said. “I’ll never tire of telling visitors how I turned a savage into a statue.”

West Virginia Lawmaker Wants More Hunting Grounds

Photo by Marion Post Wolcott

Photo by Marion Post Wolcott

West Virginia state Sen. Daniel Hall, whose legislative biography cites affiliations with the Friends of Coal and the West Virginia Farm Bureau, is worried that as property owners are increasingly restricting public access to their land, his barbaric constituents are running out of places to kill wildlife.

An April 8 report in The Register-Herald explains that “in his home county, (Hall) noted, about 85 percent of the land is owned by large companies. … Hall said such companies are leasing property to hunt clubs. … the senator has taken the matter up with the West Virginia Coal Association, since much land is occupied by operators, and a lobbyist for the landowners.”

Mr. Hall is hoping that a public-private partnership can secure a killing floor large enough to satisfy his sadistic constituents’ bloodlust — which he told The Register-Herald is “part of the culture in southern West Virginia.”

In other words, Mr. Hall wants the state and those who profit from environmental destruction to invite the savage drooling class into not-yet-destroyed habitats to slaughter the wildlife therein.

The West Virginia Farm Bureau’s parent organization, the American Farm Bureau Federation, “does not support any actions or policy that federal agencies could adopt, or the utilization of any existing authority, to regulate emissions of (greenhouse gases),” according to language on the organization’s website, which outlines a host of insultingly backward policy positions.

And according to its mission statement, Friends of Coal’s “goal is to provide a united voice for an industry that has been and remains a critical economic contributor to West Virginia.”

If Mr. Hall fancies himself a leader, he ought to “evolve” — as so many of his counterparts are wont to do when forced to confront the Neanderthal nature of their politics — and work to improve the lives of all species who make southern West Virginia home. Doing so won’t be easy for Mr. Hall, given that he’s aligned himself with the most arrogant and callous of interests.

Still — his responsibility to represent the voters of his district notwithstanding — if Mr. Hall aspires to more than gutless sycophancy and reelection, he’ll need to get his head out of his ass.