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Taxidermy Planned After Turkey Hunter is Attacked by Bobcat

Photo by Gary Kramer/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Photo by Gary Kramer/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Somewhere in an alternate universe, a prideful bobcat named David is looking forward to displaying in his den the stuffed carcass of a once-bloodthirsty human.

“I was out getting lunch when I smelled the foul stench of an interloping human,” David said during a telephone conversation with The Daily Maul. “Then I saw the monster, dressed like a tree and wheezing into a stupid hand-held appliance that he seemed to believe would bring a turkey into his crosshairs. Well, I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

The “monster,” who’s since been identified as 44-year-old Kentucky knuckle-dragger Bud Griffith, never saw David approach.

“I pounced on the bastard’s shoulder and clawed out his wide, surprised eyes — which had been set disturbingly close together as a result of unchecked multigenerational inbreeding,” David said. “Then I waited rather impatiently as he discharged his lead-filled phallus in a desperate attempt to put down his unseen assailant. And when he went to reload, I opened his jugular and watched the mouth-breather bleed out.”

A Neanderthal-management official who arrived on the scene shortly thereafter told David that Griffith’s nasty remains would have to be checked for signs of reverse-zoonotic diseases typically found in the human drooling class.

“If such a disease is present, we’ll incinerate the remains,” the Neanderthal-management official said. “If no disease is found, David will be permitted to take possession of the carcass and do with it what he chooses.”

David told The Daily Maul that his plans would be to “stuff Griffith’s lifeless corpse and add it to my growing trophy collection.”

“It’ll make a terrific conversation piece,” David said. “I’ll never tire of telling visitors how I turned a savage into a statue.”

West Virginia Lawmaker Wants More Hunting Grounds

Photo by Marion Post Wolcott

Photo by Marion Post Wolcott

West Virginia state Sen. Daniel Hall, whose legislative biography cites affiliations with the Friends of Coal and the West Virginia Farm Bureau, is worried that as property owners are increasingly restricting public access to their land, his barbaric constituents are running out of places to kill wildlife.

An April 8 report in The Register-Herald explains that “in his home county, (Hall) noted, about 85 percent of the land is owned by large companies. … Hall said such companies are leasing property to hunt clubs. … the senator has taken the matter up with the West Virginia Coal Association, since much land is occupied by operators, and a lobbyist for the landowners.”

Mr. Hall is hoping that a public-private partnership can secure a killing floor large enough to satisfy his sadistic constituents’ bloodlust — which he told The Register-Herald is “part of the culture in southern West Virginia.”

In other words, Mr. Hall wants the state and those who profit from environmental destruction to invite the savage drooling class into not-yet-destroyed habitats to slaughter the wildlife therein.

The West Virginia Farm Bureau’s parent organization, the American Farm Bureau Federation, “does not support any actions or policy that federal agencies could adopt, or the utilization of any existing authority, to regulate emissions of (greenhouse gases),” according to language on the organization’s website, which outlines a host of insultingly backward policy positions.

And according to its mission statement, Friends of Coal’s “goal is to provide a united voice for an industry that has been and remains a critical economic contributor to West Virginia.”

If Mr. Hall fancies himself a leader, he ought to “evolve” — as so many of his counterparts are wont to do when forced to confront the Neanderthal nature of their politics — and work to improve the lives of all species who make southern West Virginia home. Doing so won’t be easy for Mr. Hall, given that he’s aligned himself with the most arrogant and callous of interests.

Still — his responsibility to represent the voters of his district notwithstanding — if Mr. Hall aspires to more than gutless sycophancy and reelection, he’ll need to get his head out of his ass.

Felony Charge Dropped in Florida Case Against Animal-Rights Activist

Arnold Christopher Lagergren

Arnold Christopher Lagergren

Florida Assistant State Attorney Jonathan Raiche has dropped a felony charge that could have landed Arnold Christopher Lagergren in prison for up to five years under the Florida Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act. Raiche had added the felony charge to a handful of misdemeanor trespassing and vandalism charges Lagergren was already facing in connection with an August 21, 2011, incident at the Marine Mammal Conservancy in Key Largo, Florida.

Needless to say, this development comes as welcome news.

If there is a downside to Mr. Raiche dropping the felony charge against Mr. Lagergren, it is that the odious Florida Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act itself won’t stand trial.

Mr. Lagergren still faces up to three years in prison and up to $3,000 in fines if convicted on three, first-degree misdemeanor charges filed under Florida statutes 806.13 1b2 and 810.09.

In a November 11, 2011, commentary, I wrote: “the misdemeanor charges Lagergren was already facing sufficiently cover the crimes he’s alleged to have committed.”

Yesterday, I sent Mr. Raiche an e-mail asking what prompted him to drop the felony charge he’d filed against Mr. Lagergren.

In an e-mail response today, Mr. Raiche wrote, “In accordance with our policies, I must decline to comment on this matter as it is a pending case.”

With the felony charge being dropped, the Florida Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act and its proponents will accidentally avoid the intense scrutiny they deserve. The law, like its federal model, seeks to define as “terrorists” those who threaten the bottom lines of industries that profit from the enslavement, exploitation, torture, and murder of other species. The irony of that label is as rich as it is insulting.

In a December 20, 2011, commentary, I pointed out that “language on the Office of Policy and Legislative Analysis website reads, in part: ‘The intended targets of (the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act) are a subset of animal rights activists and environmental activists, sometimes called ecoterrorists, who engage in acts of force, violence, and threats involving animal enterprises.'”

That “targeting” scheme was codified on behalf of agricultural and pharmaceutical interests. The Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act and state adaptations thereof are relatively little-known, redundant and discriminatory pieces of legislation that most Americans would rail against if they understood the laws’ dangerous implications.

What more Americans need to realize is that the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act and state adaptations thereof allow special interests to “target” those whose flesh they want to take.

Prior to Mr. Raiche dropping the felony charge against him, Mr. Lagergren and his attorney, Richard Wunsch, were prepared to argue that “the FAEPA does not apply to this case and therefore the alleged facts do not establish a prima facie case of guilt against the Defendant based on the FAEPA,” according to language in a motion to dismiss that charge.

On his Facebook page yesterday, Mr. Lagergren wrote that one downside to Mr. Raiche dropping the felony charge against him is that “it … prevented any negative precedent from being set under the FAEPA.”

Last month, Blum v. Holder, a federal lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, was dismissed by a U.S. District Court judge in Massachusetts, according to the Center for Constitutional Rights, which filed the complaint in December 2011.

In my November 11, 2011, commentary, I wrote: “Until state adaptations of the Animal Enterprise Protection Act of 1992, and the shameful Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, are repealed, state and federal prosecutors will have to ask themselves if they’re willing to do the bidding of those with pockets deep enough to buy such sinister ‘designer laws.'”

As we’ve been reminded recently, many lawmakers can be easily convinced to bend over for special interests and ignore the majority’s will — although doing so with the lights on only serves to embolden the majority, whose members will eventually take their pound of flesh.

Unfortunately, the chances of the arrogance-steeped Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act and state adaptations thereof being repealed won’t improve until many more Americans understand why and for whom these obnoxious laws were enacted.

Connecticut Dog Killer Avoids Prison, Desmond Gets No Justice

Desmond. Photo by Micah Rapini

Desmond. Photo by Micah Rapini

Almost a year ago, I made public my opinion that a Connecticut psychopath named Alex Wullaert should be sentenced to death if found guilty of brutally torturing and murdering his dog, Desmond.

I reported at the time that “Wullaert faces a felony charge under Connecticut statute 53-247(b), which states that ‘any person who maliciously and intentionally maims, mutilates, tortures, wounds or kills an animal shall be fined not more than five thousand dollars or imprisoned not more than five years or both.'”

Last week, New Haven Superior Court Judge Maureen Keegan insulted Desmond’s memory by letting the dog’s 23-year-old killer walk out of her courtroom after promising to get help.

According to an article in the New Haven Register, “Judge Maureen Keegan accepted Alex Wullaert’s application for a pre-trial diversionary program for people with psychiatric disabilities. The program is intended for someone with a mental illness, accused of a crime for which prison time may be imposed but the crimes or violations ‘are not of a serious nature.'”

Court documents made available last year by WTNH indicate that “Wullaert … rendered a taped and written voluntary statement admitting he had killed his dog, Desmond, by strangulation.”

Wullaert dumped Desmond’s lifeless body in a nearby lake and marked the spot with a bouquet of flowers to acknowledge “the great memories they had,” the court documents tell us.

The New Haven Register story indicates that during last week’s court proceeding, “prosecutor Joseph LaMotta … mentioned that Wullaert had previously tried to strangle his girlfriend, but after completing a domestic violence program those charges were also dropped.”

There is no indication that Wullaert bought flowers for his then-girlfriend after choking her.

One thing is certain: Had Wullaert killed the girl and dumped her body in a lake, the bastard wouldn’t have avoided prison by entering a treatment program.

Judge Keegan was quoted in the New Haven Register report as telling those gathered in her courtroom: “We know Desmond didn’t get the same rights Alex Wullaert has.”

She might as well have said that the little consideration Desmond was theoretically afforded under Connecticut statute 53-247(b) was too much.

This case reminds us that today, the disparity between the “rights” afforded us and other species, and the applications thereof, can be measured in arrogance. It also reminds us that while we pursue the enactment of more sophisticated laws, what needs to change, above all, is the majority’s attitude toward the lives and well-being of other species.

Legislation to Protect Canned Hunting Facilities Proposed in Indiana

John Stehn/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

John Stehn/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Legislation has been proposed in Indiana that would protect that state’s captive deer hunting industry, including the so-called “deer farmers” who breed the victims. In its latest form, proposed Indiana Senate Bill No. 487 “provides for the licensing and operation of cervidae hunting preserves on which legally farm raised and released cervidae are hunted.”

According to an April 8 article in The Indianapolis Star, the Indiana “House natural resources committee added language to SB 487 that grandfathers in Indiana’s existing high-fence hunting facilities, which have been in a legal dispute with the DNR for eight years over whether they can legally operate.”

An April 1 story in The Indianapolis Star indicates that proponents of the amended legislation believe it “would create jobs and guarantee the state’s nearly 400 deer farmers would have a place to sell their animals.”

Obviously, Indiana’s deer farmers are worried about how they’d survive were the state to ban the operation of these execution grounds.

Fortunately for them, I have a suggestion: They should breed and raise inbred humans and sell them for scientific experimentation. There are plenty of inbred Hoosiers to start with and the demand for their spawn would be huge. Inbred-human farmers could supply research subjects to laboratories around the world and make a lot of money doing so.

I also have a suggestion for those who own and operate Indiana’s captive-hunting facilities: They ought to turn their properties into members-only man caves that serve strychnine and host pay-to-play paintball tournaments whose winners receive the losers’ severed heads as trophies.

Death of Bullfighter Patricia McCormick is Overdue

Upon learning of the long-overdue death of Missouri-born bullfighter Patricia McCormick, I worked diligently to perfect my sewing skills, hopeful that her family would consider donating her ugly carcass to a magic-based reality TV show I’d quickly conceived.

In an obituary that appeared in Texas Monthly (and in a slightly different form in The New York Times), Texas-based writer Bryan Mealer explained that McCormick’s “love of the sport came during a vacation to Mexico City when she was seven years old” after which “she staged mock bullfights in her yard using neighborhood kids.”

If only the aspiring terrorist had stuck to torturing her consenting peers.

McCormick lived longer than many of us would have liked. The Daily Telegraph (London) reported that after she was gored during a bullfight in Ciudad Acuña, McCormick “received a letter that read: ‘I’m sorry the bull didn’t kill you.'”

I, too, am sorry.

Mealer’s Texas Monthly piece tells us that “McCormick had her bullfighting debut on September 9, 1951, in Juárez. According to the Big Spring Daily Herald, a bull trampled her twice and tossed her on its horns before she managed to plunge the estoque between its shoulders. … Reporters also noted that after killing the animal, McCormick, her clothes streaked in its blood, knelt down and caressed its head.”

Needless to say, news of the twisted psychopath’s natural death was somewhat bittersweet.

Before reading that her shriveled remains would be cremated, I tried unsuccessfully to convince McCormick’s relatives and officials in Del Rio, Texas, to send me her lifeless corpse. My plan, I explained, was “to stuff … (and) turn the deceased into a life-size voodoo doll.”

There was no doubt in my mind that at least one forward-thinking Hollywood producer would see the value of a magic-based reality TV show in which I’d regularly bleed McCormick’s loathsome memory.

In a pitch letter I’d started drafting, I promised that “with enough practice, I’ll eventually be able to use my life-size Patricia McCormick voodoo doll to slaughter the world’s most popular matadors on their own killing floors” and promoted my widely shared desire to “let the barbarians who cheer them on watch their murderous heroes get brutally tortured and slain by the badass measures of karma they’d so shamelessly tempted.”

And for those who might be outraged by what they perceive as a savage blood sport, I suggested “marketing the show as an unprecedented glimpse into a misunderstood cultural tradition.”

Dead Hunters Museum Theater Planned for Chicago

Chicago – April 1, 2013

Contact: Monty Gelstein

Dead Hunters Museum Theater Planned for Chicago

Chicago’s burgeoning Logan Square neighborhood is expected to become something of a mecca for those involved in the anti-hunting movement, when the nation’s first cultural organization dedicated to celebrating the deaths of so-called “sportsmen” opens its doors a year from now.

According to The Daily Maul’s David Brensilver, a planned Dead Hunters Museum Theater will feature, among other conventional and interactive exhibits, “live reenactments of spectacular predator-on-hunter attacks.”

Brensilver, who’ll curate the museum’s collections and oversee its programs, said the long-overdue establishment of the organization has been made possible by a generous gift from philanthropist and self-described “successful-animal-on-human-attack connoisseur” Monty Gelstein.

Reached at Chicago’s timelessly splendid Drake Hotel, Gelstein said the Dead Hunters Museum Theater will be located “in a former public-library building whose doors were closed years ago, when the culturally incurious stopped reading.”

In addition to footing an estimated $66 million renovation bill, Gelstein said he’s endowed the nonprofit Dead Hunters Museum Theater with “the funds required to operate and maintain the organization for generations to come.”

Brensilver plans to hold auditions in Chicago this summer for a full-time Dead Hunters Theater cast, whose members will be expected to perform a vast repertoire based on commentaries published at The Daily Maul.

“I’m looking for like-minded actors, performers who’ll be comfortable playing a variety of species including the drooling-class knuckle-draggers who’ll meet their much-deserved ends, over and over again, in our schadenfreude-jones-fixing reenactments,” Brensilver said.

The museum’s exhibits will showcase dead hunters’ remains, autopsy reports and photographs, and information about each remarkable animal who dispatched his or her savage, would-be murderer.

The Dead Hunters Museum Theater, which Brensilver said will be free and open to subscribers of The Daily Maul, will also house a gift shop and a vegan restaurant, the proceeds from which will be donated to a nationwide campaign to take private hunting grounds by eminent domain.

“Our goal is to protect other species from bloodlust-full humans, while luxuriating in the removal from this planet of a portion of the drooling-class,” Brensilver said.

Actors and actresses interested in auditioning for full-time positions with the Dead Hunters Museum Theater should apply in the comments section below.

Video Shows Slaughterhouse Worker Shooting Horse

I have a problem with people who claim that they can’t stomach images of animals being slaughtered.

In my October 12, 2012, commentary, “Exposed: Animal Cruelty at an Idaho Dairy Farm,” I wrote: “To he who lacks the courage to engage his conscience – I say: Your avoidance is contemptible.”

Most of that avoidance is exercised when horrifying images find their way into news reports, as has video of a man in New Mexico shooting an otherwise healthy-looking horse in the head.

On Saturday, the Los Angeles TimesJohn Glionna reported that “the clip, posted on YouTube, shows an employee of a southeastern New Mexico slaughterhouse – a business that is seeking federal approval to slaughter horses – shooting a colt between the eyes with a .45-caliber handgun after he taunts activists who have opposed reintroducing horse slaughter in the U.S.”

Like many other news stations, the Albuquerque, New Mexico-based CBS affiliate KRQE “blurred” the portion of the video (included above) that shows the horse’s brutal execution.

By shielding their viewers in this way, media outlets are protecting institutions that would prefer to keep hidden the brutality that feeds their bottom lines.

So-called “ag-gag” legislation and the sinister Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act and state adaptations thereof represent the extent to which captains of murderous industry – with the eager help of the sycophantic power brokers who do their bidding – will go to keep the killing floors open for business.

The more evolved among us must challenge others to not only watch videos like the one included above, but to look carefully at the many sickening images that have been made available by those who’ve gone undercover to document the ongoing holocaust.

It is worth asking: Would the holocaust continue if slaughterhouse operators were forced to install webcams on the killing floors?

Dance of the Fur Trapper, Or, No Leg to Stand On

Illustration by Alfred Edmund Brehm (1829-84)

Illustration by Alfred Edmund Brehm (1829-84)

SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State law-enforcement officials have charged a drug-addicted vagrant with the brutal murder of a local fur trapper.

Responding to an anonymously placed telephone call, police say they found 26-year-old Jim Pat Stuasy “rummaging through a dead man’s belongings” on a piece of heavily wooded private property in central Pennsylvania.

“The suspect was stretched-out on crystal meth in a cabin owned by Tom Rennsam, whose mutilated corpse lay just outside,” a police spokesperson said.

The state medical examiner’s report indicates that Rennsam, a lifelong fur trapper, was missing his left foot, “which appears to have been removed premortem.”

Police say Stuasy was “thoroughly soaked in the victim’s blood” when they arrived at the scene, and that Rennsam’s “severed appendage was not recovered.”

“We believe that the suspect stumbled upon the deceased, who was caught in one of his own leghold traps,” the police spokesperson said. “The evidence suggests that the deceased was separated from his appendage during the incident and then bludgeoned to death.”

Stuasy’s public defender, Lonny Bladuck, claims that his client “was preyed upon and framed by a ghoulish animal advocate named Monty Gelstein, whom federal authorities have been chasing for years.”

According to Bladuck, Stuasy was “lured to the crime scene by the promise of more crystal methamphetamine than he could ever smoke” and “forced to watch Mr. Gelstein place Mr. Rennsam in the leghold trap, saw off his left foot, make him dance on his remaining leg to Richard Strauss’ Burleske, and destroy him with several ax-handle blows to the temples.”

Proof of his theory, Bladuck says, was found in Mr. Rennsam’s shirt pocket, in the form of his will, which names Gelstein as the sole beneficiary of the deceased’s property.

“Given that Messrs. Rennsam and Gelstein couldn’t possibly have been friends, and that – rather conveniently – the deceased had no living relatives, I think that document tells us exactly what happened here,” Bladuck said with visible frustration.

Police, though, say there’s no evidence whatsoever that Gelstein was anywhere near the crime scene at the time of the murder.

“As much as some of us would like to believe the suspect, we just can’t tie Mr. Gelstein to the crime,” the police spokesperson said.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an FBI investigator who’s been trying for months to pin a number of animal-advocacy-related murders on Gelstein told The Daily Maul that he “absolutely believes Mr. Stuasy” and plans to “search high and low for Mr. Rennsam’s foot,” which police assume was taken by any one of many species who call central Pennsylvania home.

“I don’t believe that for a goddamned second,” the FBI investigator said. “Monty Gelstein kept the deceased’s foot as a trophy, the sick bastard. I’m sure of it.”

Reached by telephone at the Château Schadenfreude, in the French Alps, where he’s making preparations for a June 26 event called the Karmic Balance Festival, Gelstein told The Daily Maul that Stuasy and Bladuck “don’t have a leg to stand on,” and that he plans to use the property Rennsam bequeathed to him to “add a measure of karma to the balance.”

Reality TV Show to Document Human-Hunting Contest


Contact: Monty Gelstein

Reality TV Show to Document Human-Hunting Contest

The Daily Maul has partnered with animal advocate and philanthropist Monty Gelstein and Schadenfreude-Fantasy Productions to produce a reality TV show called Cull of the Subhumans, which will document a 16-week human-hunting contest.

“We’re catering to a massive demographic that is saddened and enraged by the proliferation of television programs whose aim is to glorify man’s desire to take the lives of other species,” Norman Szantrough-Brichtahlt, the production company’s programming director, said. “We’ve already received a tremendous response from potential advertisers whose target audiences are haunted by the global wildlife holocaust.”

The Daily Maul’s David Brensilver said the series will have a significant interactive component.

“Animal advocates all over the world will be able to participate online by culling an initial field of 64 to 16 locked-and-loaded competitors,” Brensilver said.

Each week, one contestant will be successfully harvested until only one remains. The surviving hunter will be given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to face off, unarmed, against a predator he identified during the application process as his “dream trophy.”

“The ‘dream trophy,’ in this case, will be the ‘winning’ hunter’s head, which will be auctioned off for charity,” Szantrough-Brichtahlt said.

Reached at the Château Schadenfreude, in the French Alps, where he’s preparing for the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival, Gelstein said he conceived the reality TV series after reading a column by Richard Simms.

In his piece, which was published by under the headline “The ‘real’ reason we hunt not an option on survey,” Simms wrote: “A recent survey … by quantified the reasons that American sportsmen like to hunt. Sadly, the survey left out a critical option … I remain convinced that a key reason many, or most, hunters hunt is that they like to kill stuff. … The thrill of the hunt and the kill are nothing to be ashamed of.”

“What could be more thrilling for such proud, bloodlust-full savages than a chance to show America who’s the most macho of them all, and who’s the most fearless?” Gelstein asked, rhetorically. “Everybody wants his 15 minutes these days, and the Neanderthals among us are no less narcissistic.”

Cull of the Subhumans will take place in an undisclosed location, on a piece of property that Gelstein *recently acquired from a since-deceased fur trapper.

The Daily Maul and Schadenfreude-Fantasy Productions are entertaining offers from a host of cable networks, each of which is hoping to carry the series. Brensilver said 20 percent of advertising revenues will be donated to animal-advocacy and anti-hunting organizations.

Filming for Cull of the Subhumans is expected to begin in the fall. Hunters who are interested in competing should apply in the comments section below.

* A story about Monty Gelstein’s recent property acquisition will be published on Thursday, March 21, at