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Call for Submissions Open to Vegan Musicians

Photo by Cheryl Albaine

Photo by Cheryl Albaine

The Daily Maul’s David Brensilver wants to hear from musicians whose original work reflects a commitment to animal advocacy and champions the vegan lifestyle.

Brensilver (left), a classically trained percussionist who has music degrees from the Peabody Institute of the Johns Hopkins University (BM, 1992) and The Juilliard School (MM, 1994) and has worked with numerous ensembles in this country and abroad, encourages submissions from musicians working in all genres.

Interested artists should send samples of their work (links to high-quality audio and/or video are preferred) and letters of introduction, via e-mail (with “Maul Music” in the subject line), to maul@thedailymaul.com. All will soon be revealed.

Kentucky Pastor Demands Return of Confiscated Snakes

Photo by Russell Lee

Photo by Russell Lee

A creepy faith-salesman named Jamie Coots is demanding from officials in Tennessee the immediate return of potentially dangerous prisoners who were removed from his custody during a routine traffic stop.

Coots was transporting five newly purchased slaves from Alabama to Kentucky when law-enforcement officers in Tennessee placed the captives in a local jail.

An Associated Press report published in The Washington Post explains that “Coots handles snakes as part of worship services at Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name Church in Middlesboro. In this case, the five snakes confiscated last month by Tennessee wildlife officials were bought in Alabama for $800 … Coots wants the state to return the three rattlesnakes and two copperheads he purchased.”

According to the Associated Press report, “the five snakes are being cared for at the Rainforest Adventure Zoo in Sevierville, Tenn.”

The prison in which the snakes are being held boasts on its website: “The majority of the animals at RainForest Adventures zoo have been born, or hatched in captivity.”

The prison’s website also tells us that “the zoo began as the brainchild of businessman William Lucey” and that “RainForest is proud to be affiliated with several trade organizations including the Zoo and Aquarium Buyers Group … and the ZAA (Zoological Association of America),” whose website identifies Lucey as a director.

According to its website, “the goals of ZAG are to increase and improve communication between buyers, and to raise awareness and professionalism of the field within the zoo and aquarium industry.”

And according to language on its website, “the Zoological Association of America was formed in February 2005 to promote responsible ownership, management, conservation, and propagation of animals in both the private and public domains through professional standards in husbandry, animal care, safety and ethics.”

Lucey’s bio on the ZAA website reads, in part: “Bill has over 20 year’s (sic) retail experience in the big box home improvement industry at both the retail management level, as well as corporate headquarters. Areas of operational focus for Bill include innovative retail merchandising in the zoological arena with an eye towards combining his skills at mass merchandising with the boutique look and feel of the historical zoo gift shop.”

Needless to say, the imprisoned snakes deserve better and should not have been kidnapped from their natural habitats in the first place.

It’s quite possible that we’ll read someday of Coots’ untimely death – that he was spewing his ridiculous gibberish when one of his reptilian slaves decided he’d had enough of life as a biblical prop. (Hopefully, the execution will be captured on high-definition video.)

If Coots and his dim-witted ilk want to rant like methamphetamine-addicted lunatics in some unintelligible patois while acting out their favorite fairy tales, they should go right ahead. What they shouldn’t do is forcibly cast other species in their childish dramatizations.

At some point, a patient social anthropologist needs to help these unsophisticated hillbillies understand that snakes don’t believe in magic any more than I do. Until that happens, I’m willing to make the following deal: If the above-mentioned Sevierville, Tennessee-based wildlife prison will permit a compassionate herpetologist to oversee the snakes’ liberation, and if Coots will stop enslaving other species for his silly faith-based productions, I’ll encourage my readers to send Coots fake, rubber snakes purchased through (obviously) fakerubbersnakes.com.

Proposed Constitutional Amendment Would Guarantee Hoosiers “Right to Hunt”

Illustration by Awanda 737

Illustration by Awanda 737

On February 11, the Indiana Senate voted 38-10 in favor of a constitutional amendment that would guarantee residents the “right to hunt and fish.” A joint resolution (SJR 7) authored by Indiana state Sen. Brent Steele “provides that the people have a right to hunt, fish, harvest game, or engage in the agricultural or commercial production of meat, fish, poultry, or dairy products … (and) that hunting and fishing are the preferred means of managing and controlling wildlife.”

If approved by Indiana’s House of Representatives, the proposed constitutional amendment would be put to the state’s voters during the 2014 elections. Similar ballot measures, about which I wrote in my November 6, 2012, commentary, were approved during the 2012 elections by voters in Idaho, Kentucky, Nebraska, and Wyoming.

The Post-Tribune reported that “Steele worries the ability to hunt, fish and raise animals on farms is under threat from creeping influence of animal rights organizations” and quoted Steele as saying, “fishing, hunting and farming are parts of our heritage in Indiana, and all are under attack.”

An Associated Press report published in The Courier-Journal indicated that state “Sen. Greg Taylor … voted against the proposed amendment, saying it was unnecessary because hunting and farming are already protected by state law and that no one is trying to change that.”

Taylor was quoted in the Associated Press report as saying, “I just wonder why we’re doing these things … There hasn’t been one state in the country to make it illegal to hunt and fish.”

Steele’s proposed constitutional amendment is little more than an attempt to plant yet another bloodstained flag in the primordial ooze that the drooling class calls home. Steele and his knuckle-dragging ilk have no interest in claiming a place on the moral high ground. Unfortunately, the bastards are just too shamelessly lazy to extricate themselves from the fetid muck.

Ultimately, what the Indiana Senate overwhelmingly approved was a pact to remain unevolved.

Mankind Deserves Karmic Retribution for Animal Testing During Space Race

NASA Photo

NASA Photo

According to NASA’s website, an asteroid named 2012 DA14 will cruise past our planet this afternoon at “a remarkably close distance, but the asteroid’s path is understood well enough that there is no chance of a collision with the Earth.”

That the asteroid is not expected to collide with our planet is something of a disappointment, since mankind deserves every bit of space-related karmic retribution the universe can muster.

The pain of that disappointment was somewhat mitigated earlier today by what astronomer Alan Fitzsimmons, of the Astrophysics Research Centre at Queens University (Belfast), described to the BBC News as “a cosmic coincidence, although a spectacular one.”

A report in The New York Times explains that “bright objects, apparently debris from a meteor, streaked through the sky in western Siberia early Friday, accompanied by a thunderous shock wave that damaged buildings across a vast territory. Russia’s Interior Ministry said more than 1,000 people were injured, 200 of them children, mostly from shards of glass that shattered when the meteor entered the atmosphere.”

According to the BBC News report, “the Russian Academy of Sciences estimates that the meteor weighed about 10 tonnes and entered the Earth’s atmosphere at a speed of at least 54,000 km/h (33,000mph). It would have shattered about 30-50km (18-32 miles) above ground, with most of the meteor burning up.”

I’d like to think that the cosmic wake-up call was the universe’s attempt to add a measure of karma to the balance. With regard to asteroid 2012 DA14, I’m still hoping that NASA’s assurance that “there is no chance that the asteroid might be on a collision course with Earth” is based on faulty calculations.

NASA’s website tells us that “if another asteroid of a size similar to that of 2012 DA14 (about 150 feet across) were to impact Earth, it would release approximately 2.5 megatons of energy in the atmosphere and would be expected to cause regional devastation.”

We could only be so lucky.

A blog post by University of British Columbia doctoral candidate Eric Michael Johnson on the Scientific American website provides a useful overview of an American Cold-War initiative called “Project Discoverer, a series of research space launches that were actually a front for covert espionage.”

In his piece, Johnson writes: “In all, 31 rhesus monkeys were involved with the program and trained in a series of psychomotor tests to be performed while in orbit. … All of the monkeys used in the program either died in subsequent experimental failures or were sent to various government labs for a range of biomedical testing. Their involvement, as it is with all of the animals sacrificed during the space race, remain (sic) a largely forgotten chapter in our history of scientific discovery.”

According to its website, “Virgin Galactic has been making it possible for aspiring astronauts to pay a deposit to reserve a place on SpaceShipTwo since 2005 and several hundred people from around the globe have now booked their place in space. … The starting price for flights is $200,000 with refundable deposits starting from $20,000.”

Even decades ago, plenty of Americans (and those from Russia and elsewhere) would have been willing to risk their lives for a chance to travel into space.

That our scientists and government officials didn’t offer such extravagant opportunities to interested humans – from the adventurous to the terminally ill – and chose instead to enslave another species betrays an arrogance that continues to metastasize.

For that reason, I’m doing the asteroid dance.

Festival Seeks Volunteers for Public Executions

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CHÂTEAU SCHADENFREUDE – February 14, 2013

Contact: Monty Gelstein
monty.gelstein@gmail.com

Festival Seeks Volunteers for Public Executions

Were you left hideously disfigured or disabled after being mauled by another species while hunting? Was your career as a matador cut short as a result of being beautifully gored by a prideful bull? Have these setbacks sapped your will to live? If so, we’d like to invite you to The Daily Maul’s inaugural Karmic Balance Festival, during which animal advocates from all over the world will gather at the opulent Château Schadenfreude, in the French Alps, to celebrate the measures of karma that were added to the balance over the past year.

The Daily Maul is looking for three uniquely qualified members of the drooling class who tortured and murdered countless nonhuman species before suffering the above-mentioned killing-spree-ending injuries.

The most qualified applicant will be served a vegan meal fit for a king before being placed in a cage, paraded around the Château Schadenfreude’s immaculately manicured grounds, and *butchered alive for the entertainment of schadenfreude-addicted festivalgoers.

“The butchering event was modeled after a savage custom in the village of Nem Thuong, Vietnam, during which a live pig is sacrificed in the same brutal manner,” Monty Gelstein, the festival’s events coordinator, said in an e-mail.

In that unconscionable tradition, as described in a February 2, 2012, article by Clare Richardson (now Reuters’ world editor) in The Huffington Post, “a live pig is shuttled around the village before being placed on the ground on its back. Assistants hold ropes attached to the pig’s legs, spreading the animal’s appendages apart to expose its belly. A man wielding a large blade then chops the pig in half, and the villagers rush to smear the blood on bank notes, hoping for good luck in the new year.”

To whet the appetites of schadenfreude-addicted festivalgoers, the other two members of the drooling class chosen to be publicly executed will endure the same barbaric treatment as the victims of Peruvian Yawar festivals, during which mouth-breathing revelers are entertained by a knuckle-dragging **Neanderthal who oversees the panicked suffering of two tortured creatures.

In a January 29, 2013, report, The Guardian’s Latin American correspondent, Jonathan Watts, explained that “the bindings for the condor are sewn into the hide of the bull. Agitated by the stitches in its back, the beat of wings above its head and the matador’s provocations in front of its eyes, the enraged bull storms around the ring with the condor lolling from side to side.”

Watts tells us in his article that “the bulls are often slaughtered” and that “there are no definitive figures on the mortality rate of condors at Yawar festivals, but environmentalists estimate 10% to 20% are killed during the fights, while others break or dislocate bones and are likely to struggle to survive after their release.”

In his e-mail, Gelstein said, “For the piggyback persecution, one subhuman will be stapled to the back of another, and the two of them will be tormented by a torch-wielding festivalgoer. … While both savages will likely survive the exhibition, they’ll be fed soon thereafter to festival-attending pigs.”

Members of the drooling class who are interested in being tortured and executed during the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival should submit their qualifications in the comments section of this commentary.

The inaugural Karmic Balance Festival is scheduled for June 26, 2013, at the Château Schadenfreude, directions to which will be sent, via e-mail, to The Daily Maul subscribers.

* Don Parnell will serve as butcher-in-chief at the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival.

** The first The Daily Maul subscriber to RSVP for the inaugural Karmic Balance Festival will serve as the torch-wielding Neanderthal during the piggyback persecution.

Use Eminent Domain to Take South Carolina Hunting Grounds

Robert Burton/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Robert Burton/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

A sadistic lawmaker in South Carolina is doing all he can to make sure that his mouth-breathing constituents can kill anytime they feel the urge. Naturally, the bastard doesn’t have the stones to describe his bloodlust-full legislative efforts in that honest a way. Instead, he’s suggesting that property owners in his state have hitherto been unfairly restricted in terms of when they can sate their bloodthirst.

I’m referring here to South Carolina state Sen. George “Chip” Campsen III, who recently introduced an odious piece of legislation that’s reminiscent of Florida’s barbarous “Stand Your Ground” law.

According to a February 12 report by Allison Stice in The Island Packet (South Carolina), “the Senate Fish, Game and Forestry Committee has forwarded a bill to the full Senate that would allow hunters who commit violations – such as shooting game out of season or at night – a way to claim self-defense or defense of another person, hunting dogs or house pets.”

The bill, S 223, complements (if that’s the right word) a heinous piece of legislation (S 165, which is being co-sponsored by Campsen) that would extend the season during which property owners could murder alligators.

As the South Carolina Radio Network’s Matt Long reported on January 16, “right now, landowners can apply for ‘tags’ to kill a certain amount of gators on their property from September 1 to October 15. A bill sponsored by Charleston Republican Chip Campsen would expand the season through May 31 on private property only. … Campsen … says the current season is too short and falls during a time when most land managers are busy with other things.”

As I pointed out in my November 6, 2012, commentary, “so-called ‘wildlife management’ is a rather uninspired euphemism for ‘sanctioned slaughter.’”

Long’s January 16 South Carolina Radio Network article tells us that “opponents of the new idea say some of those landowners want to change the law so they’ll have more time to sell safari-style alligator hunts to guests” and identifies Campsen as being “a property manager himself.”

What we’re talking about here are laws designed to satisfy the bloodthirst of the drooling class and put money in the pockets of those whose properties are home to their unfortunate victims.

If we can’t cure these murderous thugs of their savagery, perhaps we should try appealing to their unchecked greed by electing to the South Carolina General Assembly evolved legislators who are willing, in the interests of all their constituents, to take the privately owned killing fields by eminent domain.

At least in that scenario Campsen and his Neanderthal ilk would be forced to admit that the dominion they believe they’re entitled to hold over other species can’t be bought for fair-market value or any other price.

Holley Fire Department’s “Squirrel Slam” Makes Monsters of Heroes

Photo by Jeff Kubina

Photo by Jeff Kubina

HOLLEY, NEW YORK, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – What began with firefighters in cities around the world labeling their counterparts in Holley, New York, “monsters” has led to the improbable reinvention of a once shamed and bloodstained village.

“Firefighters are supposed to be heroes,” one disgusted Seattle-based fireman told The Daily Maul in an e-mail. “We’re the men and women neighborhood kids look up to. We’re the compassionate civil servants who help get cats out of trees and pull dogs from freezing waterways. We’re the kindhearted folks who rescue animal companions from burning homes. We don’t turn into savages when we’re off duty.”

Controversy has surrounded the Holley Fire Department since its personnel started promoting an annual fundraising event called “Squirrel Slam,” an unconscionable squirrel-slaughtering competition whose prizes included cash and guns.

The Holley Fire Department, which is located in Orleans County, New York, expanded this year’s contest to include murderous 14-year-olds and those even younger.

“Encouraging savagery among younger generations is totally unacceptable,” an area parent named Lou Hobogden said. “And rewarding such barbarism with more killing tools is absolutely insane.”

In addition to cash prizes ranging from $50 to $200, the fire department gave away rifles to the contest’s most successful murderers. Squirrel-slaughter participants paid $10 each for the chance to kill for cash and guns.

Local public-school history teacher Moe Nosrung expressed concern about “cultivating bloodlust among the area’s students.”

“If today they’re murdering squirrels, tomorrow they’ll be killing other species and one another,” Nosrung said. “And they’ll be doing so with weapons we gave them.”

It was local high-school student Kip Tollings who made Holley an all-but unlivable place, and a village in which doing business was all-but impossible, for members of what he calls the “drooling class.”

In protest of this year’s “Squirrel Slam,” Tollings organized a simultaneous event in which animal advocates left acorns and wrote, in red chalk, “SS” (an abbreviation for “squirrel slaughterer”) on the doorsteps of Holley Fire Department personnel and “Squirrel Slam” participants.

“When I was in elementary school,” Tollings said, “a local fireman talked to my class about his job. It was like having a real-life superhero tell us that we could someday be just like him. And I wanted to, for a while – until I got older and thought about the fire department raising blood money to save and improve lives.”

In advance of his protest event, Tollings created a Facebook group called “Acorns for the SS,” whose membership soon included like-minded people from all over the world. An “Acorns for the SS” event page registered hundreds of committed attendees in just a few days, and those who couldn’t make the trip to Holley sent Tollings an estimated three million acorns. Among those who joined Tollings’ Facebook group were thousands of firefighters – some from as far away as New Zealand.

International media attention soon triggered a tipping point, and the otherwise unknown Village of Holley quickly became the epicenter of a global movement called “Occupy the Drooling Class,” which is dedicated – according to its Twitter profile – to creating “a vegan majority whose collective voice rails against those who seek spiritual and financial reward through the exploitation, torture, and murder of other species.”

“Historians, I believe, will someday refer to what’s going on here as the ‘Holley Enlightenment,’” Nosrung said. “The history of Holley will certainly not be kind to the drooling class.”

A spokesperson for the Orleans County Chamber of Commerce told The Daily Maul that “the movement, which is being driven by young people, has changed the culture of Holley. We’ve become the first all-vegan village in the United States. Holley no longer has a drooling class.”

The village’s schools, restaurants, businesses, and even its fire department, have all gone vegan, as have the town’s residents. And while members of the drooling class have relocated to more bloodlust-full communities, Holley’s population is expected to grow exponentially.

“Holley is going to become something of a vegan mecca,” the Orleans County Chamber of Commerce spokesperson said, proudly. “We expect to enjoy a booming economy that will be the envy of towns and cities everywhere.”

Tollings, who was recently elected mayor of Holley and serves as a volunteer firefighter, said he can’t imagine living anywhere else.

Nor can anyone else whose worldview was forever changed as a result of what Nosrung dubbed the “Holley Enlightenment.”

Support and participate in Friends of Animals’ efforts to stop “Squirrel Slam,” and urge local and state officials to do the same. Holley Fire Department personnel can be reached by telephone at (585) 638-6884. Holley’s mayor, John W. Kenney Jr., can be reached by telephone at (585) 638-6367 and by e-mail at mayor@villageofholley.org. The Orleans County Chamber of Commerce can be reached by telephone at (585) 589-7727. And New York Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo can be reached by telephone at (518) 474-8390.

Tiger Mauls Trainer During Circus Performance in Mexico

Photo by Koshy Koshy

Photo by Koshy Koshy

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – The owner of a Mexican circus has been sentenced by the International Criminal Court to a lifetime of entertaining tigers in the wild.

After his sentencing, circus operator Valente Malon was stuffed into a filthy cage and sent to India, where he’ll live out his miserable days doing tricks for that country’s Bengal tiger population.

ICC judges sentenced Malon’s employees, including (in absentia) a deceased animal “trainer” named Alexander Crispin, to the same punishment.

Prosecutor David Brensilver, who heads up the ICC’s recently established animal-rights division, brought charges against the circus operator and his employees after they killed one of their most popular feline slaves in front of an audience of insensitive mouth-breathers.

“The tiger was beaten to death for being a tiger,” Brensilver argued during the trial.

The ICC prosecutor railed against the Daily Mail (London), among other media outlets, for “perpetuating the small-minded worldview of the drooling class.”

“Shame on the knuckle-dragging editors who betrayed their malignant cretinism by attaching to their shoddy coverage the insultingly biased headline ‘Bengal tiger savages his American trainer to death in front of horrified audience watching circus performance in Mexico,'” an impassioned Brensilver said.

While the Daily Mail reported that “it is presumed that the Bengal tiger was killed by one of the companions of the trainer during the struggle to try to save the trainer’s life,” Sky News (London) told its readers that “the tiger has been locked inside a cage in the circus while authorities decide whether it should be destroyed.”

Attorneys representing the defendants during the trial at The Hague tried unsuccessfully to use that discrepancy to their clients’ advantage.

“What’s the difference?” Brensilver asked the court, rhetorically.

The ICC judges who presided over the trial agreed with the prosecutor’s argument that “the tiger’s noncompliance was an act of panicked desperation. The creature’s life was taken a long time ago.”

To no avail, the defense admitted into evidence a report from The Daily Telegraph (London), which pointed out that “the attorney general’s office for environmental protection (in Sonora, Mexico) said it had conducted an inspection of the circus following the accident. The office said the circus has valid permits to keep and display 11 Bengal tigers and other exotic animals.”

“I’m sure Auschwitz had ‘valid permits,’” Brensilver scoffed, as the ICC judges nodded their heads in unison.

The surviving creatures were liberated from Malon’s Mexican concentration camp and will live out their days in well-protected sanctuaries funded by Malon’s court-appropriated lifetime earnings.

Brensilver announced at a post-trial press conference that he plans to lead a global effort “to establish a habitat-appropriate, noncontiguous, independent state for the world’s nonhuman species.”

Rhino Gores Tourist in South Africa as Holocaust Escalates

Photo by Ryan Harvey

Photo by Ryan Harvey

A rhinoceros lost his temper and got physical with a tourist in South Africa’s Gauteng Province last month in an effort to remind us that our species doesn’t get to make all the rules.

Citing the South African newspaper Beeld, The Daily Telegraph (London) reported on January 15 that “a South African woman on safari was seriously injured when a rhinoceros gored her in the back moments after a game park owner allegedly suggested she stand closer to the animal for a photo.”

The photograph shows the woman, Chantal Beyer, and her husband, Sven Fouche, standing a few paces from two white rhinos just before one of the creatures signaled that he’d had enough of the interloping humans.

According to The Daily Telegraph’s report, “game park owner Alex Richter had reportedly told a group of visitors it was safe to get out of the safari vehicle to take photos, and he even used food to coax the rhinos closer. … The game park owner reportedly suggested Mrs Beyer ‘stand just a little bit closer’ to the massive bull rhino, moments before it attacked.”

The forced photo op captured not the tourists’ appreciation for another species but their desire to document and share that appreciation with other humans.

And while Beyer survived the encounter, none of us can promise that the rhino who injured her will survive 2013.

South Africa’s Department of Environmental Affairs recently reported that poachers murdered 668 rhinos in 2012, an increase from 448 in 2011 and 333 in 2010.

As I pointed out in a January 3, 2012, commentary, “those were the rhinos who were illegally murdered. … Some ‘legal’ hunts fall into the category of ‘population management,’ which is, of course, a euphemism for sanctioned slaughters. … At issue, unfortunately, is who gets to kill rhinos and who gets to decide.”

If we don’t decide to end this ever-escalating holocaust by addressing the sadistic human behavior that fuels it, a magnificent species might one day exist only in photographs like the one of Beyer and her husband.

Such photographs remind us that the life spans of the nonhuman species therein could very well be determined by ours. It is as if the offending beast who lost his temper and got physical with Beyer was saying, “Leave us the hell alone. We may not have much time left.”

Animal-Rights Advocate Invites Hunters to Unique Golf Tournament

Photo by Bernard Gagnon

Photo by Bernard Gagnon

BOCA RATON, FLORIDA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – A controversy is brewing over a mysterious landowner’s plan to host a golf tournament that could prove deadly for participants.

Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and animal-rights advocate, has turned a sprawling piece of inland property into a foreboding 666-hole course whose water hazards cover more area than its greens and fairways.

For the course’s grand opening, Gelstein has invited *11 of the state’s most bloodlust-full trophy hunters to compete for a $1 million winner-take-all **purse.

“I spent a good amount of time in this area when I was a kid,” Gelstein said during a recent telephone interview. “And I got to know a particularly charming alligator named Algernon. I can remember, like it was yesterday, overhearing conversations among some of the more despicable human residents about inviting hunters to ‘harvest’ what the locals called ‘nuisance alligators’ – especially those who dared to inhabit golf course water hazards.”

Gelstein’s property will serve as a wildlife sanctuary when it’s not being used for the golf tournament.

“The place is absolutely teeming with remarkable nonhuman species,” Gelstein said, proudly. “In addition to a massive alligator population, the acreage is home to an incredible number of water moccasins – who’ll almost certainly make their presence known during the tournament – and birds aplenty.”

Gelstein is thrilled to be providing wildlife with a wonderful and safe habitat, and to be punishing the state’s sizable hunting population – “the drooling class,” as he calls it.

“Hunters, we all know, can’t read, as a result of their underdeveloped brains and the fact that it’s difficult to hold a piece of writing when one’s knuckles are dragging on the ground,” Gelstein said. “So, more than the alligators and water moccasins, it’s the fine print on the registration form that’s going to kill the cretinous bastards.”

The registration form directs competitors to gather at a pre-tournament cocktail party, where they’ll enjoy complimentary ***drinks before teeing off.

In the document’s fine print, the tournament’s rules are clarified thus:

* The first player to tee off will have done so ceremoniously, after which he’ll be escorted from the course and skinned alive. Mr. Gelstein is calling this “the cut.”

** $1 million (U.S.) will be placed in a wallet made from the sacrificed golfer’s flesh and donated to an animal-rights advocacy organization of Mr. Gelstein’s choosing.

*** Participating golfers will be served 19th century absinthe (from Mr. Gelstein’s extensive private reserve) laced with liquefied cocaine.

Despite the fact that no participating golfer is expected to survive, Gelstein does not anticipate running into any legal hassles.

“The registration form,” he explained, “doubles as a waiver.”

A DVD of the tournament will be sent to The Daily Maul subscribers, along with a commemorative, bloodstained tournament golf ball.