NORFOLK, ENGLAND, TOMORROW — Law-enforcement officials in Norfolk, England, are searching for a man they suspect had something to do with an “unfathomable” Boxing Day hunting accident at the queen’s estate in Sandringham that claimed the lives of all the royals who participated in an annual pheasant slaughter. Police on the scene also believe that the editor of an irreverently provocative animal-rights blog called The Daily Maul was somehow involved in the incident.
“At first glance, it looks like they turned their rifles on one another,” one constable said. “But no one here believes that’s how it happened.”
“We don’t think it’s a coincidence,” a detective explained, “that on this day last year The Daily Maul ran a commentary telling Prince William, ‘It’s time to put an end to your family’s barbaric traditions. The next-best thing, of course, would be for you and your bloodthirsty kin to gun one another down in a hunting accident of royal proportions.’”
Monty Gelstein, a mentally unstable animal-rights activist and a good friend of The Daily Maul’s editor, David Brensilver, is suspected of orchestrating the bloodbath.
A semi-trustworthy local drunk named Malcolm Stisp told detectives that Gelstein bought him several glasses of whiskey at a nearby pub on Christmas night.
“He kept saying, ‘Brensilver’s right. The only thing that’s going to stop this madness is a hunting accident of royal proportions,’” Stisp said. “He seemed particularly incensed that Prince William would ‘prance around the world speaking out against the killing of certain species while personally slaughtering others.’”
Stisp said that Gelstein kept mentioning a December 17 Daily Mail story that chronicles the royal family’s murderous legacy and features photos from the “trophy room” at Sandringham House.
Gelstein was “downright frightening,” Stisp told detectives, explaining that “he kept making reference to a ‘very special .22 caliber circle jerk.’”
And then Gelstein was gone, Stisp said.
Reached by telephone in the United States, Brensilver said he hasn’t “the faintest idea what Boxing Day is” and “had absolutely nothing to do with the royal savages’ deaths.”
“I’ve been home the past few days, eating vegan Chinese food,” he said. “I haven’t heard from Monty since November.