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Police Murder Four Crocodiles After One Allegedly Kills Idiotic Partygoer

Photo by Lepidlizard

Photo by Lepidlizard

More than once, I’ve been asked how I can possibly say that a human life is no more precious than that of another species. Today, in memory of four crocodiles who were brutally slain for being crocodiles, I’m able to offer a fresh example.

Authorities (and I use that word with ample contempt) in Australia’s Northern Territory slaughtered the creatures after one of them allegedly killed an idiotic and likely drunk partygoer.

According to the BBC News, a 26-year-old dingbat named Sean Cole was celebrating a friend’s birthday when he and another worthless half-wit decided to swim across the Mary River.

Citing information provided by the Associated Press, the BBC News report quoted police Sgt. Geoff Bahnert as saying, “The Mary River is known worldwide to have the greatest saturation of adult saltwater crocodiles in the world. You don’t swim in the Mary River.”

Not surprisingly, vengeful law-enforcement officials executed the four crocodiles for having the audacity to make the Mary River home. One of those creatures, the BBC News report explains, might have killed Mr. Cole.

In my opinion, the crocodile who vanquished Mr. Cole did the world a favor. And it’s too bad that he or she didn’t rid us of the other foolish partygoer.

What Mr. Cole and his knuckle-headed swimming buddy did, by daring to swim across the Mary River, was provide clear evidence of how little their human subspecies has evolved in comparison to the saltwater crocodile.

The four creatures who were murdered by local law-enforcement officials would potentially have lived as long as Mr. Cole was previously expected to, had he not lacked basic survival instincts. The only real threat to the crocodiles was Homo sapiens. Somewhat ironically, the most dangerous threat Mr. Cole faced was himself.

It’s crossed my mind that Mr. Cole committed suicide. If that’s the case, the bastard should have done the responsible thing and left a note — on one of the signs that warns jackasses like him to stay out of the Mary River — indicating that whichever crocodile did him in was doing us all a favor.

Even if Mr. Cole was just an imbecile who couldn’t get out of his own way, local authorities should have taken a moment to recognize that by entering the Mary River, Mr. Cole endangered lives other than his own. When they were called to the scene, local police should have done nothing but point to the “swim at your own risk” signs and let the deceased partygoer be an example to other reckless assholes among us.

And instead of senselessly killing four crocodiles who were doing nothing more than going about their daily, crocodilian business, law-enforcement officials should have located the surviving swimmer and fed him to the area’s crocodiles.

While they can’t undo the injustice they’ve done, the thuggish, local police could at least send me Mr. Cole’s shredded carcass, out of which I’d like to make a wallet and dress shoes.

One Comment

  1. Rory Cresswell wrote:

    This would be a bit like me walking across a busy highway, getting smeared across a car bonnet, and the police executing 4 random motorists in retaliation.

    Monday, August 26, 2013 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

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