An opportunistic hypocrite in Utah has been diagnosed with a Senselessly Hyperbolic Inhumanity Tumor. While not uncommon, experts now believe that this type of cancer is contagious and are urging neuro-oncologists to perform lobotomies on patients suffering from SHIT on the brain.
Leading researchers suspect that the SHIT on Utah state Rep. John Mathis’ brain is inoperable.
“As much as I’d like to open the guy’s skull and get in there with an ice-cream scoop, doing so wouldn’t help the bastard,” said Dr. Monty Gelstein, a prominent albeit controversial figure in the medical community.
Rep. Mathis’ symptoms were described in a February 15 Deseret News report whose lede read: “Veterinarian and part-time farmer Rep. John Mathis, R-Vernal, wants to put a stop to what he called ‘animal-rights terrorists’ who take videos or photos on farmers’ property without permission to create propaganda aimed at destroying the agriculture industry.”
According to the Deseret News report, “Mathis’ bill, HB 187, would make ‘agricultural operation interference’ a crime, a class A misdemeanor on the first offense, a third-degree felony on the second. … Mathis directed his criticism at a movement that’s recently gained national attention, which would require that egg-laying hens have more room to move about in their cages. It’s farmers, not animal rights activists, who know best what their animals need to be healthy and happy, Mathis said.”
“A blind physician could spot this dude’s tumor,” Dr. Gelstein said. “What veterinarian do you know who goes out of his way to protect those who profit from the exploitation, torture, and slaughter of animals? SHIT on the brain is really the only explanation.”
On his 2012 Conflict of Interest & Financial Disclosure form, Rep. Mathis listed “farmland” under “real property in which you hold an ownership or other financial interest that you believe may constitute a conflict of interest.”
“Describing a tumor as inoperable is a matter of semantics,” Dr. Gelstein said. “If my colleagues would stop thinking about the patient for a minute and start thinking about what we can learn from the SHIT on this guy’s brain, they’d be going at his head like plumbers from Roto-Rooter.”