A source tells me that the wild turkey who attacked a mail delivery truck on Cape Cod last week may not have acted alone. A senior official from Birds United for Regular Delivery, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “Never believe in coincidences.”
“I assume you’re familiar with the Dive Bomber of Bayview,” he said, referring to the Swainson’s hawk whose attacks last year on a mail carrier in a Calgary, Alberta neighborhood forced Canada Post to suspend delivery to area residents. “Well, I can tell you this: That mail carrier would not have been targeted if she didn’t move so goddamned atypically. She’d have been left alone if she delivered mail like a regular human and not some spastic freak.”
While the postal worker in Centerville, Massachusetts never got out of his vehicle, mail delivery in that town last week was “far from regular,” the BURD official said.
“As the Cape Cod Times pointed out, this guy ‘was substituting for the regular mail carrier,'” the official said. “He was a fucking substitute.”
BURD expects more from mail carriers.
“We hear you humans complaining constantly about your mail service,” the official said. “But that’s all you do. Complain. Well, we at BURD applaud the Savage of Centerville, just as we applauded the Dive Bomber of Bayview.”
Asked whether BURD was responsible for the attacks, the official hinted at a conspiracy.
“I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Burder, Inc.,” he said, referring to what many have speculated is BURD’s violent enforcement arm.