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Selling Caskets to Hunters, A Dream Job

Screenshot (click to watch)

Screenshot (click to watch)

For the past 24 hours or so, I’ve been enjoying a beautiful daydream in which I’m a clairvoyant casket salesman pushing a new product on a soon-to-be deceased Ted Nugent.

The daydream was inspired by an OutdoorHub.com story titled “More Hunters Opting for Hunting-themed ‘Camo Caskets,’” which explains that “one of the designs on the market is a hunting-themed, camouflage-lined casket.”

One company that’s producing burial boxes for the drooling class is an outfit called ’Til We Meet Again, whose name is as ridiculous as some of the products it sells. In a video advertisement for a “hunter casket,” a voice-over encourages potential future customers to “be remembered as you lived.”

Naturally, I think all hunters should be remembered as the worthless, bloodlust-full psychopaths that they are. Their ugly carcasses should be left to be snacked on by scavengers, burned with other types of trash, or stuffed and mounted in the Dead Hunters Museum Theater.

But I digress.

In the above-mentioned ’Til We Meet Again video advertisement, a shotgun-wielding knuckle-dragger standing in front of a “hunter casket” and identified on screen as “Steve” says, “I’m a hunter, and when it’s my time, this is how I want to go.”

Believe me, Steve, I can’t wait till it’s your time. In fact, I sincerely hope that demand for these burial boxes greatly outpaces supply.

I should be honest here and admit that in addition to inspiring my most enjoyable daydream, the OutdoorHub.com story has given me an idea for a business venture that would involve designing caskets for hunting-accident- and animal-attack aficionados like myself. The caskets I would market and sell through The Daily Maul, as part of a product line called the “Eternal Schadenfreude” series, would be wrapped in and lined on the inside with photographs of hunters who were fatally mauled by their would-be murder victims or who died as the result of shooting themselves or being gunned down by one of their fellow savages. The casket wraps and linings would reflect the design of the wallpaper with which I hope to soon decorate my office.

(Note to self: Get into the specialty wallpaper business.)

But let’s get back to my beautiful daydream, which finds me on the phone with Mr. Nugent, letting him know that he’ll soon suffer a glorious death after accidentally blowing one of his own legs off and then being disemboweled by angry and opportunistic hogs.

“What’s it going to take for me to get you into one of these?” I ask him, gleefully.

5 Comments

  1. Larry blake wrote:

    Don’t forget to drop a few worms in the casket. Wouldn’t be right for a hunter to be all camouflaged-up with nothing to hunt.

    Friday, January 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:

    Larry,

    The caskets should be equipped with cameras, so people above ground can watch coffin flies feast on dead hunters’ rotting carcasses.

    David

    Friday, January 9, 2015 at 4:13 pm | Permalink
  3. Clara Marzolf wrote:

    You are so cruel to human beings. So what if people hunt? People are allowed to do as they please. I cannot believe you feel this way towards humans. I love animals as well, but I do not think the correct thing to do to solve the problem is to attack people and wish for them to die. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard in my life. How can you truly love anything if you want to see people suffer and die like you say you do. I think people who wish death on anyone should “be left to be snacked on by scavengers, burned with other types of trash, or stuffed and mounted in the Dead Hunters Museum Theater.” You are so one sided it is sickening. I can barely stomach the fact that you would wish that on people. You sir are the psychopath.

    Monday, February 2, 2015 at 8:59 pm | Permalink
  4. Matt Sanders wrote:

    This post proves you are a chicken shit. Ted Nugent would not only kick your chicken shit ass, but also win any war of words between you. I am not a hunter and I do not prefer Ted Nugent. I find that you are a piece of shit and look forward to the news report that you swerved to miss a squirrel and plummeted over a cliff to be slowly eaten by the wildlife there. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

    Tuesday, February 3, 2015 at 4:19 pm | Permalink
  5. Larry Blake wrote:

    Yeah, Clara. So what if people hunt, so what if people turn the forests and wooded places into butcher shops for animals. Have you ever seen a deer walking around the woods with an arrow stuck up its ass? “People are allowed to do as they please” and people like David and I are allowed to hate stupid, sick assholes who enjoy killing.

    Saturday, February 14, 2015 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

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