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Suicidal Turkeys Decimate Human Population

Photo by Lupin

WASHINGTON, D.C., IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — In the aftermath of what an unsophisticated few have described as an “apocalyptic terrorist attack” that reduced America’s human population to 75,000,000, survivors are refreshingly accepting of what will surely be known henceforth as the Great Thanksgiving Comeuppance.

Granted, the vast majority of those who are still with us – vegans, vegetarians, and the tryptophan intolerant – were not targeted by the nearly 50 million suicidal turkeys who somehow managed to weaponize and martyr themselves on Thanksgiving Day. Still, so relatively few accidental survivors can be counted that they represent an insignificant minority in this newly compassionate America.

Exactly how some 50 million turkeys managed to kill 75 percent of the nation’s human population remains a mystery, albeit one that doesn’t seem to matter much at this point.

“There will be no retaliation,” a surviving Pentagon official and longtime vegan told The Daily Maul. “We had it coming. … This is was long-overdue payback for a centuries-long holocaust that we perpetrated.

America’s surviving and decidedly circumspect turkey population is hardly celebrating.

“This wasn’t about revenge,” a spokesturkey for Species for the Permanent Institution of Coexistence on Earth said. “This was an act of self-defense.”

The SPICE spokesturkey said there is no reason for the non-targeted, surviving population of Homo sapiens to be concerned about the carcasses of 225,000,000 dead humans, or about their accidentally surviving counterparts.

“As we speak,” he gobbled, “the accidental survivors are being herded into concentration camps, formerly known to most of mankind as slaughterhouses, where they’re compliantly processing the dead humans, whose remains — buffet dishes, now — are being shipped by boxcar to factory farms that have been converted to all-inclusive resorts for the newly liberated nonhuman species.”


  1. Karen Stevenson wrote:

    Awesome! And, they shall take their rightful place as the national bird as Benjamin Franklin had intended (Eagles are awesome, too)

    Monday, December 3, 2012 at 12:56 pm | Permalink
  2. David Brensilver wrote:


    So many species are more awesome than ours.


    Tuesday, December 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm | Permalink
  3. Dan Flowers wrote:

    Turkeys are amazing birds! Their ranges of vocalizations and complexity of language is truly impressive, as is their eyesight and hearing. I have spent hundreds of hours talking to them… Have you? Oh I guess not. You appreciate from afar without any interaction with the animals you claim to love… Poser.

    Monday, December 17, 2012 at 9:25 am | Permalink

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