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Tag Archives: alligator

Alligator Executed After Encounter with Florida Woman

Animals almost always lose. It’s the maddening reality that motivated me to launch this blog in the first place. The latest example of humankind’s arrogant expectation that other species play by our absurd rules involves a Florida woman who nearly lost one of her hands to an alligator when she reached into the water to retrieve a […]

Meet “Kid Schadenfreude,” a 4-Year-Old Animal-Attack Connoisseur

Yesterday, I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. It came up in conversation that her 4-year-old son is a budding connoisseur of successful animal-on-human attacks. Naturally, I proposed that my friend, whom we’ll call “Lady Gogo,” read my latest blog post to her son and record his reaction. My most […]

Alligator 1, Reckless Dude 0

I have an idea for a short comedic film about a guy being killed by an alligator. As the film begins, we meet a reckless young man who’s preparing to go for a swim in a Texas bayou. Scoffing at posted and verbal warnings that alligators had recently been spotted in the area, he disrobes and dives in. […]

Use Eminent Domain to Take South Carolina Hunting Grounds

A sadistic lawmaker in South Carolina is doing all he can to make sure that his mouth-breathing constituents can kill anytime they feel the urge. Naturally, the bastard doesn’t have the stones to describe his bloodlust-full legislative efforts in that honest a way. Instead, he’s suggesting that property owners in his state have hitherto been […]

Man Who Lost Hand to Alligator Should Send Me His Other Hand WZVN News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral I’m hoping to convince a one-handed Florida ne’er–do–well to chop off his right hand and send it to me so I can skin it and use the flesh for a new wallet. The potential donor I’m referring to is Wallace Weatherholt, about whom I wrote in June […]

Monday Maul: Alligator Bites Off Florida Woman’s Arm

LAKE COUNTY, FLORIDA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – An unrepentant alligator named David says he was “standing his ground” when he bit off a Leesburg woman’s arm. Eighty-four-year-old Carol Hough was attacked on September 26 in a canal in the Cypress Creek Mobile Home Park where she lives. Trigger-happy wildlife authorities immediately executed another suspect, […]

Florida Man Arrested After Alligator Bites Off His Hand

Let’s give authorities in Collier County, Florida, a hand for filing charges against a guy with (deservedly) only one. I’m talking, of course, about Wallace Weatherholt, who lost a hand to an alligator back in June. Mr. Weatherholt, an airboat captain working for the Everglades City, Florida-based Captain Doug’s Everglades Tours, was “essentially baiting the […]

Monday Maul: The Row Over Olsen Twins’ Fur Backpacks

NEW YORK, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — Iconic crocodilian fashion designer al-Liga t’Or’s latest, one-of-a-kind luxury accessory has raised the ire of a human-rights organization that opposes what’s come to be known as “runway retribution.” “The coexistence movement will not achieve its goals as long as designers like al-Liga t’Or continue to punish their human […]

Alligator Bites Off Florida Airboat Captain’s Hand

Since he lost one of his hands to an alligator on Tuesday, Wallace Weatherholt’s friends, family, and coworkers have indicated that they plan to raise money to help support the Everglades tour guide’s recovery. I’m encouraging people, including Mr. Weatherholt, to donate funds to wildlife-protection organizations in memory of the alligator who was executed for […]

Fighting a One-Armed Man

Mr. Wiencek, I’m writing to let you know that I’ll be suing you on behalf of American alligators — and in memory of the creature who was executed for tearing your arm off in October 2009. Are you really surprised that I’d work to put your old, wrinkled ass (minus your right arm) in the […]