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Tag Archives: bear

Pious Drunk in Alaska Endangers Bear’s Life

On its face, a news report out of Alaska about a man’s tussle with a black bear seems to have a happy ending, inasmuch as both survived the encounter. The truth of the matter is that the bear is alive, fortunately, in large part because the human in question made it painfully (if you’ll pardon […]

Alaska Man Mauled by Bear, Troopers Kill First Suspect They See

Law-enforcement officials in Delta Junction, Alaska, have executed a bear they hope was responsible for a local man’s death. Citing information provided by the Alaska State Troopers, the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner has reported that “a Fairbanks man was killed by a bear Thursday evening at George Lake” and that “troopers who responded to the scene […]

Swiss Officials Kill Country’s Lone Bear in Brutal Preemptive Strike

Swiss officials last month assassinated a brown bear who they determined posed a threat to the country’s human population. The preemptive strike was carried out on Tuesday, February 19, after the 2-year-old creature – insensitively identified by authorities as “M13” – had the audacity to stretch his legs after a period of hibernation and look […]

Hunter Loses Leg After Shooting Himself, Black Bear Dies

The good news is: A California savage has one fewer legs than he did before going bear hunting earlier this month. The bad news is: A black bear was executed for being a black bear. A December 28 post on Outdoor Life’s “Newshound” blog explains that “the man was bear hunting with friends when the […]

Denali Bear Attack Leaves Backpacker Dead

A grizzly bear was executed last month in Denali National Park and Preserve after killing an irresponsible backpacker who got too close and hung around too long. “The hiker had photographed the bear for more than eight minutes and appeared to have come within 50 yards of the animal before he was attacked” on Friday, […]

Adapt Florida “Stand Your Ground” Law for Animal Rights

In his March 26 column “Repeal the ‘Stand Your Ground’ law,” The Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson wrote, “The ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws in Florida and other states should all be repealed. At best, they are redundant. At worst, as in the Trayvon Martin killing, they are nothing but a license to kill.” Perhaps instead of […]

Bear-Attack Victim Shot, Killed by Friend

Last week, I challenged claims that Ty Bell “has a soft spot” for wildlife and “true hunter ethic.” Bell, for those unfamiliar with the bloodthirsty mouth-breather, was heroized by hunting apologists for killing a grizzly bear in an effort to save his hunting buddy’s superfluous life. In railing against this heroizing — and against the […]

Grizzly Bear Attacks, Kills Hunter

I was reading Marcus Aurelius Armitage’s treatise on isolation, If China Were a Chicken, I’d Be Reading Sophocles at Wrigley Field, when the red phone rang. It was my friend Monty Gelstein calling from his psychiatrist’s office, where he was waiting for an administration of electroshock therapy. “They’re making a martyr of him,” Monty was […]

Open Letter to America’s Hunting Apologists

Dear bloodthirsty cretins, You are hereby banned from a) claiming that you were “attacked” by the animal you were hunting, and b) claiming that your murder of that animal was an act of “self-defense.” Allow me to present, as an example of what henceforth will be treated with due ridicule, this lede from a story […]

“What to Do About the Bear”? Do Nothing

I’m crossing my fingers that officials in Alaska have read the National Outdoor Leadership School’s mission and values statements. I’d like nothing more than to learn that a brown bear cub isn’t about to become an orphan just because his mother protected him from a handful of teenagers on Saturday. What makes me nervous is […]