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Tag Archives: crocodile

Crocodile Attacks Surfer in Costa Rica, Environment Minister Should Do Nothing

The following letter was sent to René Castro, Costa Rica’s environment and energy minister. Hi René, I understand that you’re contemplating what to do about a crocodile who on Sunday inflicted a few superficial wounds on a Spanish surfer. If you’re a rational person, you’ll do absolutely nothing. In case you haven’t been briefed on […]

Police Murder Four Crocodiles After One Allegedly Kills Idiotic Partygoer

More than once, I’ve been asked how I can possibly say that a human life is no more precious than that of another species. Today, in memory of four crocodiles who were brutally slain for being crocodiles, I’m able to offer a fresh example. Authorities (and I use that word with ample contempt) in Australia’s […]

Crocodile Kills 9-Year-Old in Australia’s Northern Territory

Australia’s Top End does not have a problem with crocodiles. It has a problem with greedy and vengeful humans. ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) reported on Monday that “Northern Territory Police have suspended their search for a 9-year-old boy taken by a saltwater crocodile near the eastern tip of Arnhem Land. Police say the attack […]

Suicide by Crocodile Draws Attention to Holocaust in Thailand

Ordinarily, headlines promising details of a suicide by crocodile would thrill me to no end. And it was with great anticipation and enthusiasm that I read a recent news report about a Thai woman who apparently ended it all in just that manner. According to the International Business Times, “Tiphawan Prakarn, 36, never returned from […]

NRLC Victory: Crocodile Bites Man’s Testicles

The drooling class is up in arms after a crocodile performed a nonconsensual vasectomy on an Zimbabwean farmer. “Monsters and demons have escaped from our nightmares and are threatening our very existence,” said a creepy religious freak whose name I didn’t get. The creepy religious freak made his paranoid comments in response to a report […]

Crocodile — or Shark — Attack in Northern Australia Leaves Scuba Diver Dead

As is so often the case, my celebration of a successful animal-on-human attack has been muted, as bloodthirsty, vengeful “authorities” hunt down the alleged, offending beast. “A Cairns barge captain has been killed in an apparent crocodile attack in waters off the Cape York peninsula,” according to an Australian Associated Press report in The Sydney […]

Seeking Interns to Videotape Decapitations

Have you always wanted to watch a saltwater crocodile tear the head off a dim-witted tourist? Can you hold a video camera steady? If you answered “yes” to these two questions, apply now for an internship at The Daily Maul. While interns are not offered salaries, they are fed massive servings of delicious schadenfreude. The […]

To Save or to Sleep: Neighbors Choose Shut-Eye

Thanks a lot, assholes. I’m being torn limb from fucking limb and you’re just too tired to save my ass. That’s certainly what Edwin Lucero must have been thinking last week as he was being dismembered by a crocodile. From the Journal Online (Philippines): “Residents in the area said they heard noise coming from the […]

One Man’s Horror is Another Man’s Schadenfreude

Filmmaker Ben Stookesberry and photographer Chris Korbulic failed to capture video footage or still images of Hendrik Coetzee’s last moments on Earth when, according to The Associated Press, a “crocodile snatched him from his kayak while he led an American expedition from the source of the White Nile into the heart of Congo.” The Associated […]

Have You Lost Your Head?

A “demon crocodile” decapitated 60-year-old Mohomed Buhari in Sri Lanka’s Eastern Province last week. According to Sri Lanka’s slanderous Daily News — I use the word slanderous to point out the Daily News’ ridiculous description of the crocodile — Mr. Buhari “was attacked and killed by a demon crocodile while he was fishing in the […]