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Tag Archives: hunter

Hunter Being Killed by Elephant Was Not a Tragedy

On Wednesday, an individual named Graydon posted a response to a commentary I published here nearly three years ago headlined “Hunter Killed by Buffalo in Zimbabwe.” “Hunters who obey the laws, who are the vast, vast majority, are in fact helping more animals than they kill,” Graydon wrote. That, of course, is a nonsensical, self-serving rationalization […]

Hunter Mowed Down in Inspiring Accident

I was screaming into a pillow when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like the inside of a lawn mower. “What is that goddamned racket?” I shouted, tortured enough by the noise in my head. “It’s my new combine,” Monty explained. “I’m taking it for a spin.” […]

Hunter Falls to His Death; Oh, How I Wish He’d Been Pushed

If a hunter falls off the side of a mountain, does anybody hear him scream on the way down? It’s certainly a sound that would be music to my ears. And if I aim my ears to the west and listen very, very carefully, I can almost hear the echo of a vicious bastard named […]

Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force Forming

The Daily Maul is looking for a few fully evolved psychological ninjas to join a Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force, a group that will be dedicated to convincing bloodlust-full members of the drooling class to take their own worthless lives. Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and tireless animal-rights advocate who will chair the HSETF, promised that “getting […]

Giant Anteaters Fatally Maul Hunters in Brazil

Imagine my delight upon reading the headline “Two Hunters Attacked and Killed by Giant Anteaters in Brazil.” Anteaters? Who knew? But hell, I’ll take it. And I hope the hunters suffered. In two equally satisfying incidents — one in 2012, the other two years earlier — anteaters used their claws to fatally stab Brazilian savages. […]

Losing Hunter: Saying Goodbye to a Beloved Pet

We’d been saying goodbye to Hunter for eight months, since we learned that she had kidney disease. What had begun in August 2012 with the treatment of what appeared to be a urinary-tract infection had turned quickly into the urgent management of and an intensive crash course in glomerulonephritis, the merciless cause of Hunter’s diminished […]

Rabbit Hunter Dies in “Hare-Trigger Incident”

“I’m hopped-up after reading this wonderful Sky News story about one rabbit hunter fatally shooting another.” I posted that comment on Facebook last month and am thrilled to report today that the deceased actually shot himself. According to a report in the Daily Mail (London), the “rabbit hunter died after being shot in the head […]

Hunting Accidents Prove Hunters are “Remarkably Stupid”

“Does this dress make me look like a moose?” That’s the question 68-year-old Newfoundlander Joan Primer should have asked before attending a family get-together in November 2011. To be fair, Primer had no reason to believe that she’d be “shot in the shoulder while enjoying a ‘boil-up’ with her family,” to quote from a June […]

Mistaken for Hog, Hunter Shot; Hog Insulted by Mistaken-Identity Claim

In a recent interview with The Daily Maul, an angry hog from South Carolina complained bitterly about his species being indirectly blamed for the death of a hunter in that state. According to a recent WHNS-TV (Greenville) news report, “Greenwood County deputies said a man in a deer stand shot and killed a fellow hunter, […]

Taxidermy Planned After Turkey Hunter is Attacked by Bobcat

Somewhere in an alternate universe, a prideful bobcat named David is looking forward to displaying in his den the stuffed carcass of a once-bloodthirsty human. “I was out getting lunch when I smelled the foul stench of an interloping human,” David said during a telephone conversation with The Daily Maul. “Then I saw the monster, […]