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Tag Archives: hunters

Selling Caskets to Hunters, A Dream Job

For the past 24 hours or so, I’ve been enjoying a beautiful daydream in which I’m a clairvoyant casket salesman pushing a new product on a soon-to-be deceased Ted Nugent. The daydream was inspired by an story titled “More Hunters Opting for Hunting-themed ‘Camo Caskets,’” which explains that “one of the designs on the market is a hunting-themed, camouflage-lined […]

What a Surprise: Hunters Don’t Like Being Shot At

After gunning down a few ducks last month in Wisconsin, a couple of gutless savages had the audacity to complain about a few shotgun blasts being fired in their direction. According to the Duluth, Minn.-based ABC affiliate WDIO, “within minutes of shooting two mallards, the hunters became the hunted.” Van Hawkinson, who fired the protest […]

Dead Hunters Museum Theater Planned for Chicago

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Chicago – April 1, 2013 Contact: Monty Gelstein Dead Hunters Museum Theater Planned for Chicago Chicago’s burgeoning Logan Square neighborhood is expected to become something of a mecca for those involved in the anti-hunting movement, when the nation’s first cultural organization dedicated to celebrating the deaths of so-called “sportsmen” opens its […]

Animal-Rights Advocate Invites Hunters to Unique Golf Tournament

BOCA RATON, FLORIDA, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – A controversy is brewing over a mysterious landowner’s plan to host a golf tournament that could prove deadly for participants. Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and animal-rights advocate, has turned a sprawling piece of inland property into a foreboding 666-hole course whose water hazards cover more area […]

Hunters Shooting at Same Deer Results in Dead Hunter

A researcher at the Center for Fewer Humans believes that the karmic balance is directly influenced by coronal mass ejections. In The Effects of Solar Phenomena on the Karmic Balance, Marcus Aurelius Armitage wrote that the recent death of a deer hunter in Maine provided “incontrovertible evidence that CMEs have a disproportionate, adverse impact on […]

Monday Maul: Gorillas Outsmart Hunters, Destroy Traps

“… They worked on the patient, sifting handfuls of fine Triassic sand into the crankcase, cutting up the wiring, the fuel lines, the hydraulic hoses to fore and aft attachments, dumping Karo into the fuel tanks. …” — Edward Abbey, The Monkey Wrench Gang Just last night, a friend returned my copy of Edward Abbey’s […]

Endangered Species Bred for Trophy Hunting

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State and federal law-enforcement officials have urged hunters to stay away from exotic-animal ranches in Texas, after an “animal-rights manifesto” began circulating on the Internet earlier this week. A nationwide manhunt in under way for the document’s author, an animal-rights activist named Monty Gelstein. “Mr. Gelstein presents […]

Murder Made Easy: Disabled Hunting in Montana

Yesterday, my friend Liddy directed my attention to an Associated Press report with this lede: “Montana wildlife regulators suspect more and more people are faking disabilities to take advantage of privileges granted to disabled hunters, so they want to remove one of those perks in hopes of curbing abuse.” Naturally, I reacted by suggesting in […]

Hunting Advocate Targets Animal-Rights Activists

Yesterday, I came across an inane commentary headlined “Animal rights activists are negative people but deserve compassion.” The piece was published on the New Jersey Newsroom website by a hunting fanatic named Anthony P. Mauro, Sr., founder and chairman of the New Jersey Outdoor Alliance, a “Political Action Committee … organized to elect outdoor-minded political […]

Arm Robot Deer to Return Fire from Hunters

I just read an Associated Press report whose headline, “Wildlife officials use robo-deer to catch poachers,” has inspired me to direct this correspondence to wildlife officials throughout the United States. Dear wildlife officials, That I must point out the deficiencies of your better-enforcement-through-remote-control-decoys program should embarrass you to no end. Have you no imagination? Imagine […]