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Tag Archives: lions

Monsters at Copenhagen Zoo Inspire Plan for Human Zoo

I’m looking into the possibility of opening a human zoo in Copenhagen. The legalities of the thing will no doubt present some challenges, but I think I’ve found a way to make it work — and to make some real money. To be fair, my good friend Monty Gelstein is the one who suggested calling […]

Humans Used as Prey to Protest Lions Being Bred for Canned Hunting

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE June 7, 2013 Contact: David Brensilver maul@thedailymaul.com Gelstein Promises PR “Nightmare” for Breeders, Hunt Organizers Wealthy philanthropist and impassioned animal-rights advocate Monty Gelstein is proud to acknowledge that scientists on his payroll are raising test-tube babies to be used as prey for wild animals. The hitherto secret project has been in development […]

Kansas Art Project Won’t Include Chicken Slaughter

I recently sent a grant proposal to the Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts that I hope will result in funding for an interactive art project I’m calling Karma: Adding to the Balance. My plan is to invite a big-game hunter to an undisclosed location where he’ll be fatally mauled and eaten by a […]

Missionary Position: Miracle Saved Paul from Lions

It’s easy to believe in divine intervention after surviving a lion attack. When your life hangs in the balance, though, it’s not enough to believe in magic. Just ask Paul Oakey, who “is recovering in a Guatemalan hospital after being mauled by two lions Monday at a zoo,” according to the Deseret News — a […]

Here’s to You, Mrs. Evershed

Dear Mrs. Evershed, I’m writing to express my appreciation for your request that the lions who killed your husband be spared execution. I must admit, after reading The Sun’s (London) lede — “A holidaymaker was ripped apart by a pride of wild lions as he took an outdoor shower at a game reserve.” — I […]

Lions Executed for Their Public Service

Three prisoners who should have been released for their good behavior were executed yesterday at a detention facility near Port Elizabeth, South Africa. No sooner had three lions done the world a favor by slaughtering an imbecilic drunk named Jan-Friederick Bredenhand than they faced a firing squad. From The Sun (London): “A drunk barman at […]