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Tag Archives: Marcus Aurelius Armitage

Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force Forming

The Daily Maul is looking for a few fully evolved psychological ninjas to join a Hunter Suicide Encouragement Task Force, a group that will be dedicated to convincing bloodlust-full members of the drooling class to take their own worthless lives. Monty Gelstein, a wealthy philanthropist and tireless animal-rights advocate who will chair the HSETF, promised that “getting […]

Hunters Say Controversial Study Linking Hunting to Cretinism is Bogus

A controversial new study linking hunting to cretinism has at least one hunting-industry lobbying group up in arms. In a paper published on Wednesday, Marcus Aurelius Armitage, director of research at the Center for Fewer Humans, wrote: “While not every human afflicted with cretinism is a hunter, we can say with near-absolute certainty that every […]

Researchers Treat Cop Allegedly Involved in Boulder, Colorado, Elk Shooting

BOULDER, COLORADO, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE – Researchers at The Center for Fewer Humans have perfected a surgical procedure that they say redirects the prejudices of violently inclined humans. Marcus Aurelius Armitage, the center’s research director, said he was inspired to try the experimental procedure after reading about a Boulder police officer who was allegedly […]

Clone Haast’s Eagle to “Manage” Hunter Population

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE NEW LONDON COUNTY, CT – December 21, 2012 Contact: Monty Gelstein (860) 823-7410 Scientists: Clone Haast’s Eagle to “Manage” Hunter Population The Center for Fewer Humans has announced that it will attempt to clone the long-extinct Haast’s eagle, a species whose fearsome reputation has been on many scientific minds since a […]

Hunters Shooting at Same Deer Results in Dead Hunter

A researcher at the Center for Fewer Humans believes that the karmic balance is directly influenced by coronal mass ejections. In The Effects of Solar Phenomena on the Karmic Balance, Marcus Aurelius Armitage wrote that the recent death of a deer hunter in Maine provided “incontrovertible evidence that CMEs have a disproportionate, adverse impact on […]