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Tag Archives: Monty Gelstein

Hunter Population Numbers One Fewer

Once in a while, in addition to giving us reason to celebrate, news of a fatal hunting incident can provide a decent grammar lesson. First, the news. According to the Associated Press, an inebriated dimwit in Florida, while taking a break from killing fish, checked to see if his handgun was loaded by putting the thing to his largely empty noggin and […]

For Royal Savages, Boxing Day Shoot Goes Wrong

NORFOLK, ENGLAND, TOMORROW — Law-enforcement officials in Norfolk, England, are searching for a man they suspect had something to do with an “unfathomable” Boxing Day hunting accident at the queen’s estate in Sandringham that claimed the lives of all the royals who participated in an annual pheasant slaughter. Police on the scene also believe that the editor of […]

Hunter Mowed Down in Inspiring Accident

I was screaming into a pillow when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like the inside of a lawn mower. “What is that goddamned racket?” I shouted, tortured enough by the noise in my head. “It’s my new combine,” Monty explained. “I’m taking it for a spin.” […]

How Can Hunter Live With Himself After Shooting, Killing Brother?

I was working on a novella called Baptism by Piranha when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling to update me on his search for a way to partially light the darkness. “There was a fatal hunting accident in northeastern Utah over the weekend, and all I can think about are the bastards who live to […]

Monty Gelstein’s Haiku No. 8

            A collection of Monty Gelstein’s haiku can be found here.

Vegans Should Refuse to Perform Heimlich Maneuver on Choking Meat-Eaters

I was working on my forthcoming Sonata No. 1 for Didgeridoo, Zither, and Theremin when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like a median strip somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike. It turned out that he was outside a restaurant in a Dallas suburb, where he’d been […]

The Relative Humorlessness of Veganism: A Nonjudgmental Lament

I was fretting over an essay I’m working on called “The Relative Humorlessness of Veganism: A Nonjudgmental Lament” when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling, quite coincidentally and unwittingly, to provide a case study. It was also an opportunity for me to amuse myself. “So, I’m at this mostly […]

A Bull Rider is Being Gored, Stomped On: “What Would You Do?”

I was reading about an enterprising hippie who became wildly successful by opening a vegan bakery adjacent to a Boulder, Colorado, pot dispensary when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling to get my input on his pitch to be cast on a ridiculous ABC television show called What Would You […]

Wolves Disembowel Trapper Caught in His Own Trap: A Daydream

Over the weekend, I was alerted to a news story about an Idaho trapper who was injured in an ATV accident. According to the Times-News (Twin Falls, Idaho), “Russ Boley … was out checking traps in the South Hills” when the vehicle tipped over. The Times-News report indicates that Boley “was listed in stable condition Monday afternoon,” […]

On Hunting, God, and a Loathsome Place Where Both are Worshipped

“… let us remind those who celebrate after visiting death on other species that we have gathered here today with no blood on our hands …”  I spoke those words back in March, to congregants at my Washington, D.C.-based church, Karmic Balance Ministries. And soon, I’ll be able to deliver that message to righteous residents […]