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Tag Archives: Texas

Meet “Kid Schadenfreude,” a 4-Year-Old Animal-Attack Connoisseur

Yesterday, I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. It came up in conversation that her 4-year-old son is a budding connoisseur of successful animal-on-human attacks. Naturally, I proposed that my friend, whom we’ll call “Lady Gogo,” read my latest blog post to her son and record his reaction. My most […]

Texas Bow-Fisherman Lands Giant Alligator Gar, Loses Head

I just happened to be sharpening the blade of my favorite guillotine when the red phone rang. “I need Don Parnell’s mailing address. I have a present for him.” It was my friend Monty Gelstein, speaking with the voice of a man who’d just found a fix for his schadenfreude jones. That’s a strange coincidence, […]

Monday Maul: Animal-Rights Activist Suspected in Cockfight Massacre

SOMEWHERE IN HIDALGO, COUNTY, TEXAS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State and federal law-enforcement officers have launched a nationwide manhunt for an animal-rights activist they suspect helped organize a Hidalgo, County, Texas, cockfight that ended in the brutal slaughter of more than 200 spectators. Police dispatchers late last night received numerous telephone calls from cockfight-goers […]

Endangered Species Bred for Trophy Hunting

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS, IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — State and federal law-enforcement officials have urged hunters to stay away from exotic-animal ranches in Texas, after an “animal-rights manifesto” began circulating on the Internet earlier this week. A nationwide manhunt in under way for the document’s author, an animal-rights activist named Monty Gelstein. “Mr. Gelstein presents […]

4-Year-Old in Texas Attacked by Pet Mountain Lion

It is my opinion that a West Odessa, Texas, family, whose “pet” mountain lion mauled a child, should be euthanized, after which their heads should be examined for evidence of humanity and sent to me for shrinking. A KWES (Texas) report tells us: “Authorities say a 4-year-old child wandered too close to a mountain lion […]