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Tag Archives: turkey

Rich Square, North Carolina, Where Heroes are Monsters

“Saving lives through slaughter,” the slogan I attached in 2013 to the Holley Fire Department, in Orleans County, New York, will also work for the fire department in Rich Square, North Carolina. On Saturday, April 9, Neanderthals from that company will host a fundraising event in which participating savages kill turkeys for the chance to win $500. Last […]

Thus Spoke an “Excommunicated” Vegan — A Thanksgiving Lament

In December 2002, Vegan Society chair George D. Rodger asked the organization’s founder, Donald Watson, “What do you find most difficult about being vegan?” to which Watson replied, “Well, I suppose it is the social aspect. Excommunicating myself from that part of life where people meet to eat.” That exchange can be found in a […]

Whole Foods Should Tell Consumers How Much Turkeys Enjoy Being “Humanely” Slaughtered

I was recently made aware of an insulting marketing campaign designed to make consumers feel really good about buying “humanely” raised turkeys. The propaganda was presented in an e-mail whose subject line reads: “Get to know your turkey at Whole Foods Market.” That sounds like something Dahmer might’ve said, I thought, replacing the word “turkey,” […]

Taxidermy Planned After Turkey Hunter is Attacked by Bobcat

Somewhere in an alternate universe, a prideful bobcat named David is looking forward to displaying in his den the stuffed carcass of a once-bloodthirsty human. “I was out getting lunch when I smelled the foul stench of an interloping human,” David said during a telephone conversation with The Daily Maul. “Then I saw the monster, […]

Suicidal Turkeys Decimate Human Population

WASHINGTON, D.C., IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE — In the aftermath of what an unsophisticated few have described as an “apocalyptic terrorist attack” that reduced America’s human population to 75,000,000, survivors are refreshingly accepting of what will surely be known henceforth as the Great Thanksgiving Comeuppance. Granted, the vast majority of those who are still with us […]

Coyote Attacks Turkey Hunter in Maine

The good news is that a coyote attacked a turkey hunter in Maine and got away with it. The bad news is that the hunter survived. “The wild canine sprang while the Maine Guide was hunkered down in the brush, using a mouth-call to lure a turkey into the open while hunting on private property […]

“Savage of Centerville” May Not Have Acted Alone

A source tells me that the wild turkey who attacked a mail delivery truck on Cape Cod last week may not have acted alone. A senior official from Birds United for Regular Delivery, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “Never believe in coincidences.” “I assume you’re familiar with the Dive Bomber of Bayview,” he said, […]