Somewhere in an alternate universe, a prideful bobcat named David is looking forward to displaying in his den the stuffed carcass of a once-bloodthirsty human.
“I was out getting lunch when I smelled the foul stench of an interloping human,” David said during a telephone conversation with The Daily Maul. “Then I saw the monster, dressed like a tree and wheezing into a stupid hand-held appliance that he seemed to believe would bring a turkey into his crosshairs. Well, I wasn’t about to let that happen.”
The “monster,” who’s since been identified as 44-year-old Kentucky knuckle-dragger Bud Griffith, never saw David approach.
“I pounced on the bastard’s shoulder and clawed out his wide, surprised eyes — which had been set disturbingly close together as a result of unchecked multigenerational inbreeding,” David said. “Then I waited rather impatiently as he discharged his lead-filled phallus in a desperate attempt to put down his unseen assailant. And when he went to reload, I opened his jugular and watched the mouth-breather bleed out.”
A Neanderthal-management official who arrived on the scene shortly thereafter told David that Griffith’s nasty remains would have to be checked for signs of reverse-zoonotic diseases typically found in the human drooling class.
“If such a disease is present, we’ll incinerate the remains,” the Neanderthal-management official said. “If no disease is found, David will be permitted to take possession of the carcass and do with it what he chooses.”
David told The Daily Maul that his plans would be to “stuff Griffith’s lifeless corpse and add it to my growing trophy collection.”
“It’ll make a terrific conversation piece,” David said. “I’ll never tire of telling visitors how I turned a savage into a statue.”