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Vegans Should Refuse to Perform Heimlich Maneuver on Choking Meat-Eaters

U.S. Marine Corps Photo by Amanda M. Woodhead

U.S. Marine Corps Photo by Amanda M. Woodhead

I was working on my forthcoming Sonata No. 1 for Didgeridoo, Zither, and Theremin when the red phone rang. It was my good friend Monty Gelstein, calling from what sounded like a median strip somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike. It turned out that he was outside a restaurant in a Dallas suburb, where he’d been eavesdropping on an ugly gathering of cattle ranchers  something he does often to keep his finger on the pulse of the drooling class.

“I need you to draft a piece of legislation that I can disseminate to vegans who serve in various state legislatures,” he told me.

“Are we starting a vegan version of ALEC?” I asked him, sincerely interested in the possibility.

“I don’t know who the fuck that is or what you want me to do to him,” he said. “Right now, I’m smoking a joint in the parking lot, giving myself a time-out, as it were, to prevent myself from choking one of the scumbags inside.”

One of them?” I asked, knowing that if he could get away with it, Monty would lock the monstrous holocaust perpetrators inside the restaurant and burn the place to the ground.

“So I’m sitting at the bar and I hear this scumbag say to the bartender, ‘Make it so rare that it can see my familiar face,'” Monty explained, telling me that he actually tried to kill the guy using the kind of hands-free choking technique that Darth Vader employed in the Star Wars movies. “When that didn’t work, I told the asshole that if he were to start choking on animal flesh, I’d passive-aggressively decline to perform the Heimlich maneuver. And that got me thinking about a piece of legislation that would be like a cross between a free-speech bill and the opposite of a duty-to-rescue law.”

“How much have you smoked, dude?” I asked, confused by Monty’s rather quick turn in a rational direction.

“Never mind that, David,” he spat. “I know you can imagine yourself telling some vile, meat-eating lowlife, ‘Sure, pal, I know the Heimlich maneuver. But I sure as hell ain’t going to waste it on your unevolved ass.'”

“I certainly can,” I acknowledged.

“Right,” he said. “And you’re — we’re — not alone, which is why we need laws that explicitly protect the rights of vegans to exercise our worldviews by consciously objecting to nonvegan behavior, even if doing so adversely affects the well-being of nonvegans.”

“I’ll start drafting something this week,” I said, hanging up the phone.

Intrigued by his idea, I rolled and lit a joint of my own and settled into my favorite armchair to imagine myself whispering into a choking meat-eater’s ear, “Moo, motherfucker. Moo.”


  1. Dan Flowers wrote:

    Oh how I love a succulent piece of rare animal meat, tender and rich… Had some venison tenderloin last night, marinated in red wine, worchestershire, sea salt,garlic powder and black pepper. I wrapped it is bacon to keep it from drying on the grill and cooked it fast on high heat so the bacon would crisp up before the delicate venison could cook too deeply – just a warm red center… Ambrosia! Better than the eating experience was remembering the hunt with my 10 year old daughter who actually shot it. She spent 22 days in the woods enjoying nature before she got her chance to take her place as an apex predator. When she made her shot, killed cleanly and walked up to her animal she was so proud of herself. You should see that kind of pride of your child’s face…Oh I forgot. You don’t believe in humans procreating. Too bad. I guess you will just have to live your all-consuming life raving like a lunatic at others with the sure knowledge that when you die you will leave nothing behind. In the meantime, why don’t you come follow me and my family around so you can whisper in our ear if we choke on a nice juicy morsel of meat.

    Tuesday, May 27, 2014 at 6:20 pm | Permalink
  2. Mack wrote:

    Bruh vegan is not anticreation. Actually quite the opposite. Since you enjoy. stereotypical views of those that aren’t inline with your ignorant outlook. I figured I would inform you that by the same token you have the vibe of a deep country kentuckian that enjoys repetitively traumatizing your child with such conviction that you have brain washed her into believing its fun. You most likely hold to the beliefs that the occasional fornication with your sister or cousin(or both) is more than just a fun way to stop screwing your pigs and cattle its your belief that its the best way to guarantee your bloodline is pure. Since you continue to believe the way the human race sustained its self during the stone age is the only way to survive in these hard times I encourage you to follow another old world tradition of the Spartans involving jumping off a cliff by those that are weak and foolish.but it doesn’t really matter what you do because you don’t realize the down side of murdering animals to take the nutrients that they acquires from maintaining a plant based diet. Heart disease, cancer, and stroke are all the result of consuming dead animal carcass. In the end lack of compassion and inability to see the problem will be the downfall of our speciea

    Thursday, August 24, 2017 at 5:25 pm | Permalink

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